What's gone wrong

Re-reading my last blog post is great. So true. I love running. I love the freedom. The stress release. The fitness and calorie burn. The friendship. But I've stopped running. Not completely but near enough. I ran just 50k in June and I've only run 4k so far in July. 4k. Yep that's all - even that run I pulled up and hobbled home. 

Injury? Yes slightly - I've been embarrassed to tell anyone (because of memories of others being taunted at school) that I've got a verruca on my foot. It's fine and being treated but sometimes it hurts and that has led me to change the way I hold my foot. Which in turn has led to a pain in my ankle and now my calf. I've managed to run until my last run when it hurt so much I pulled up. But to be fair I think this is partly an excuse I've been looking for not to run. 

Holiday running was good but no momentous cathartic moment like last year. Mojo? A term I hate almost as much as "bling" - well yes I guess it's gone. I will get it back. I will run for me. I've felt undue pressure from races, from running with friends, in groups, being 'slow' or failing to live up to all the things I've been. I've felt undue pressure from me. I guess I'm a bit depressed - life has dealt a raw deal lately. So I've put on part of the weight I fought so hard to lose. I've never run at this weight before (having lost most of my size before I started running). I've said I'm happy being slow but I think only in a large crowd or on my own. The expectation otherwise feels too great. 

So am I a hypocrite? All those things I've said and written about running for yourself. Not worrying about speed. Delight in running itself. They still stand. I still believe them. I just don't believe so much in me. I'm retreating - from myself, from the world, from running. 

But to help I've gone back to what I do best. I have a plan. Royal Parks Half is 12 weeks away and I so wanted to get a sub-2 hour time. It may be beyond me now (given I can't do 5k faster than 30 mins or a 10 much faster than 70!) but I'll use it to try and get motivation. To provide focus away from life's traumas and work stress. To run again. To find the me that fell in love with running. That lost weight. That felt free. That felt happy. Without doubt I'm happier when I run. The demons that have haunted my life are washed away with each stride and each selfie! 

Even starting to blog again. Perhaps the most brutally honest blog I've written should help! And Sunday I'll do my best to run 10k in Newham around the Olympic Park, with friends as part of a relay team. I won't be fast but I won't give up. I will smile and do my best. I'll start to remember why I run in the first place.  And I'll let you know how it goes.