My time

Here we are then, in two weeks I’ll be in Fuerteventura. In fact at this time I should have completed the first leg of the Half Marathon Des Sables, probably about 20 miles. (They don’t tell you exact distances until you get out there). I’ll be cooking my dinner on the little stove I’ve carried with me, a fine dehydrated mac n’ cheese and preparing to settle into my bivouac in my ultra light sleeping bag. Ready to get up and face the longest stage - roughly 40 miles over the volcanos and sand. 

I won’t go back and remind everyone what’s led me to this point. Or will I? You may not know I entered the race a year ago now. It was going to be the end highlight of a year of great achievements for me. My dream race The Wall, 69 miles in the summer. Another crack at the London Marathon, with the hope that maybe I could even get a PB (first time I’ve admitted that!). A few more ultras thrown in and then the Half MDS followed by my favourite Royal Parks. All raising money for Breast Cancer Now - who I’ve fundraised for now for nearly 2 years, raising nearly £5000! 

(https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise)

But most of that hasn’t happened. There have been 7 DNS (Did not Start) and 1 DNF (Did not Finish) so far this year. I ran in London. I certainly didn’t get a Personal Best. The Wall was one of the DNS. But I have 3 races left this year - Half MDS, Royal Parks Half and the Pilgrims Challenge in November a 3 day ultra back to back 30 milers. 

Throughout all of this I’ve been off sick from work for 5 months with depression and PTSD. Returned to work. Been on anti-depressants, taken myself off anti-depressants. Put on over 2 stone in weight (cause of said anti-depressants I’m now not on!). Some days I’ve been able to run. Some days I’ve not been able to get out of bed. All the time watching my dreams for the year come and go. Part of the pain. But knowing the Half MDS was still on the horizon. Achievable if I could just get myself there. 

(Sow Ay https://sow-ay.tumblr.com/)

And here I am. Two weeks out. Ready to go. It can no longer be the way I imagined it. My weight, although going down, is still probably a lot more than the average competitor. My fitness is returning but not fast enough to make a huge difference. I am strong in my legs because they know they’ve done far more than this (Race to the Tower a case in point). But am I strong enough in my mind? Can I really do this? 

Yes I bloody can! I’m on a long road to recovery but the Half MDS has become part of that. It is achievable. It’s achievable for anyone. Not just me. I confess I have moments of crisis, mainly as I really wanted to do well. But define well. Is well completing it in a time that is respectable? Or is well just completing it? Knowing that only 2 months ago you couldn’t imagine getting through the day and now you’re going to run 120km with everything you need in a 6kg bag on your back? Everyone says it’s enough to just complete it. I know in my heart of hearts I don’t believe that. But right now, right here - that’s all I have. I know myself. I know I will always feel that disappointment that this year fell away from me. But only in my running. In my life this year should be the year that makes me. The year I finally confront the demons inside my soul and say “enough”. Perhaps the year I am able to complete the Half MDS and realise this was enough. That looking at others race times, achievements and feeling I’m not good enough is just that nasty parrot on my shoulder. It’s not the truth. It’s not my truth. Nor is it your truth. We are good enough. 

Which led me out to the beautiful Kentish Greensand Way on Sunday for a 21 mile kit test. Technically it was a run but my pace is probably the average persons walk, I was basing it on trying to get each 5k under the hour. Which I achieved. I stopped and took photos. I stopped for chats. I texted Jules playing i-spy as we both went out on our runs with photos....I went 21 miles in pretty much the time it took me to run the London marathon this year 6 hrs 30 minutes. And that’s good enough. It has to be. It will be. It can be. 

Which means off I go. I now declare I am officially tapering. I’ll do some parkruns and a few more kit checks but with less than 13 days to go I declare myself ready. This is my time to achieve something. Not the something I planned. But something for me. Something I can hold on to and say - you know in a year of proper shit I did that. I crawled out of the darkness and went up a volcano! Deep down I may not believe it’s a great achievement, but one day I will and I know you’ll all tell me it is anyway so I’ll believe you. I promise. With that I want to thank my amazing cheer squad, those I know in person and those that virtually slap me most days through Twitter. You know who you are. You know that i probably wouldn’t even be here without you. And you know that I’ll think of you when I’m re-hydrating my chicken tikka masala and then the next day trying to find somewhere for a shit as I run!!