Second blog of the year, that's already a plus! What a year it has been too. This 3rd Lockdown has been tough, maybe because it's winter, dark and cold. Maybe because we've now been here before and can't be sure is this really the final time we'll need to do this. Whatever it is the world has been feeling it. You can't move for podcasts or articles about how to survive, how to help yourself stay sane, how to all be a little bit kinder.
We can read the words, we can even advise other people but can we - can I - listen and take it on board? The jury is very much out on that one. I started the year with all good intentions. But we've learned the coronacoaster doesn't work that way. A few days or weeks of consistency should be celebrated, even a few hours of just feeling good. As at any moment it can all come crashing down and you won't even know why. Just because. Just because the world has gone to shit and as humans we aren't that great at dealing with shit on a sustained level.
My good intentions to be running deserted me in January and Feb. But then Royal Parks Half became a virtual race and I knew that I wanted to still compete, keeping my string of RPH races going and raising some money for Mind. Which meant i needed a plan. So at the end of Feb, after the snow had left us I started to run regularly again. For about 2 weeks. Then I stopped. Then I started. Then....see where I'm going with this? In the end ANY running is okay.
I thought it would be great to complete Royal Parks in under 3 hours. After all my PB is 1:58 so surely I can run a 3 hour half, well turns out maybe not so much. Also turns out that pressure isn't good for me. I can hear lots of you yelling "NO, we know that!" but you could have told me. I will try and do the best run I can on 11 April, but I've no idea what that will be. I have managed to train. I've done 3 10 milers in the last few weeks, including one the day after my first vaccine which nearly killed me as i had zero energy for a 10 mile run. I think I've got a flat route, as frankly I don't want to run up hills. And I'm just going to enjoy myself.
Life in general is tough. Did I mention that already? My mental health is struggling and however hard I try and cling to a routine it doesn't stick and I just feel bad. At the moment it's hanging on with your fingertips to what works and just hoping you'll get through. Yesterday I decided to do my 10 miler up on the North Downs, it's beautiful up there but also you can't run those steps and hills. No pressure. Just go there and enjoy. With the wind as it was it blew away the cobwebs and helped me get some perspective.
I've long known I've got all sorts of disordered eating and body dysmorphia but as I climbed the hills I remembered what this body has given me. What I've achieved. Holding on to an unreal image in my head of what I 'should' be in terms of weight instead of just accepting who I am. Where I am and what I can still do. Things that others would never dream of. I mean my races this year are 53 miles and 100km. Who am I kidding that I'm somehow less than....
At least that's this week. Trying to move to a position of acceptance. Of kindness and less criticism. Of running without pressure. In the now. As who knows with the rollercoaster we're all on when the ride will stop next.
