Deflated or defeated?

That's it I've entered the wilderness. Lost in a no mans land where I know deep down the crucial part of my marathon training doesn't have to start until the new year - and the weather is cold, my motivation is low, my extra weight isn't shifting.....blah blah blah. 

Blimey why would you read this blog? I'm not sure I want to write it. It was all I could do tonight not to dive in Tesco pick up a doesn't Krispy Kremes and bring them home to eat the lot. I'm an all or nothing dieter! No wonder I was once 18 stone. My mood dictates my food. 

I feel a fraud. I've tricked you all in to believing I'm a runner. Hell apparently some of you have been inspired to take it up. STOP now before it goes too far! Before one day you wake up and don't want to run. Before even then easy runs become hard. Before you start to doubt your doubts. It was so much easier when all I had going on was my inability to open a SIS gel packet! 

Right now I could give it all up. Seriously I could. But am I just deflated or am I defeated? I suspect the fact I've just purchased two "spare" pair of my running shoes means my woeful mood is temporary and I'm not giving up running. But I'm hating each step. I'm hating that I hate it. I'm avoiding Twitter. I haven't been on UKRunChat or Run Mummy Run for ages. These should be places you get support. But they sometimes feel like only places happy runners go. 

This could still be a post race slump. I had two good runs last week a sub 28 5k and a sub 60 10k. They felt hard. And I don't feel like I do that enough. Like I'm improving. Does it really matter? I didn't used to care or compete over times. But maybe the running community sucks you in to caring too much. Perhaps that's one of its flaws. We're all at heart wanting to feel like we're winners. And when we can't. When we don't. We then just feel like failures. 

Life is busy at the moment. Lots of change. And I'm prone to times when I can be too hard on myself. But running was meant to be my release and it's starting to feel like my albatross. There will be a way out and a sunny side. I'm still working through the plan and I have a half marathon in just over a week. The addition of a new medal may help. And who knows perhaps Father Christmas will bring me a shiny new mo-jo all wrapped up in pretty paper and a ribbon? 

Half way there!

That's it I did it. I ran Royal Parks Half Marathon in 2 hours 8 minutes and 6 seconds. Not bad for my first go at 13.1 miles. I am now an official half marathon runner. Despite completely missing the Royal Albert Hall at mile 12 (even though photos prove it was right in front of me) I had a blast. 

That doesn't mean it was easy - it wasn't - I had to dig deep (thanks Dolly!!) at many points during the race. Mile 9-12 especially, there were new random pains, sore feet, crowded paths but all the time I focused on the job at hand. I remembered all the things my training taught me, I had motivation from all the support I've received (real and virtual), there were people shouting my name and there were amazing crowds. And there was Keeley. At miles 1, 6 and 9 - just as we'd planned. And wow what a difference that made. As it makes every day when I see Keeley - just as we planned.

Without doubt it was an amazing life affirming experience full of new friends, old friends and great tales to tell. 

But what next? I now know I can run 13.1 miles in a good time. My legs at the end told me I'm a long way off doubling that distance. The race also taught me that training is everything. I had rehearsed every inch of Royal Parks - and it paid off.  Now how to take that forward to my double marathon experience next April? 

The answer? Sit on the sofa for a while. It's been 25 days since my first half marathon. I've run 7 times. Once upon a time that ratio would have been pretty impressive. Now I feel fairly blurgh about the whole thing. I've rejoined weight watchers (having put on a stone in the last 7 months) and I'm doing my best to build up motivation - having rather rashly entered Ashford Half in just 3 weeks time. I'm sure all will be well. And after all I've written my double marathon training plan - I can build up slowly, there's loads of time. It'll be great. I'm Little Miss Positive aren't i? 

Aren't i? Perhaps I need to remember miles 9-12 and dig deep just a little bit more once again. Sometimes for no reason at all things aren't easy. And if they were - well I guess they wouldn't be worth having (isn't that a fridge magnet somewhere?) - my other blog - Wise-Words is the serious blog but actually this is about my marathon experience and face it, it's not all going to be laughs. Running is hard. It's hard to keep motivated. It's hard to get out there day after day, especially if work is long and draining.  It's hard to bounce back from disappointments, missed times, poor runs, unexplained crapness. And then it's hard to stop that creeping into your head. Bringing up all those negative thoughts you felt you had under control. 

But I'm Little Miss Positive. And I've got 5 months, 5 days, 10 hours, 54 minutes and 20 seconds  to find my mojo. I've got a shiny new plan. And I've got you. Yes YOU - goodness you didn't think you could just read this blog and give nothing back surely? Cause 26.2 miles x 2 in 14 days is a long way. And the journey to get there is even further - mentally and physically and I'm going to need more than just Keeley at miles 1, 6 and 9. So come on dust off those Pom-Poms real and virtual. This is where the hard work really begins! 

All change...

Well, this blog was going to be titled "I still believe in me" - referencing the Kids from Fame song. After a tough few weeks in my non-running life I was going to talk about my last long training run on my own, before Royal Parks. After weeks of long runs with friends, feeling good - all running together across the North Downs. Stopping for selfies, flower picking, recovery disguised as chatting - all making the fact I had run over 13 miles for the first time much easier. 


So on Sunday as I returned to my favourite solo route along the river, just the cows and walkers for company I felt great. I had my old running play list running through my head (a fabulous mix of 80s movie music) - no longer on headphones but ringing in my ears just the same. Wow, just how far have I come! New shoes already have 40k in them, no more gel mishaps and last week of my first ever training plan nearly complete. 

Everything is in place for Royal Parks Half Marathon. My first ever race over 13.1 miles. Feeling good. Feeling great. Who knew it would get even better? 

You see back in April I did something a little rash - without telling anyone (not even my partner) I entered the 2015 London Marathon ballot. The chances of being successful are so slim I figured may as well see what happens. With Brighton Marathon just two weeks before if a miracle should happen I'll just defer London and know that in 2016 I'll have a place. Well a miracle has happened. First time in the ballot. First time lucky. Two weeks after Brighton I'm supposed to run in London. 

Supposed to - oh go on, you know me by now. I'm SO going to run in London. After all reaching the 26 April and watching everyone set off without me - no chance. Besides with Brighton safely in the bag the pressure is off, I can enjoy myself. Think of it as a long run with friends, feeling good, stopping for selfies,  picking flowers even? Why not, what have I got to lose? 

On this crazy journey of mine - everything suddenly seems possible!



If you've read my blog and fancy offering support to my chosen Royal Parks charity Amnesty International please use the link at the top of the page or text JOFW99 £2 to 70070. 

A moment of inspiration

Just a short blog - mainly because 140 characters in a Tweet isn't enough to say how I feel.

6 weeks to go until my first half marathon, the plan is still going well - with a few adjustments here and there. This weekend I'm going to attempt my longest run ever, I'm terrified but I'll be running with my friend Colin so know it will be okay. 

Tonight was my favourite start to the weekend, the 10k SRC run at Sweatshop Maidstone. I do it nearly every Friday, it's a run with friends along a route I'm familiar with. The 10k distance no longer holds any fear. But you never know when a bad run will sneak up on you. 

2k I found myself at the back of the group, with the lovely back marshals for company. That was fine, I didn't feel like a speedy run and I know them well. I was a little worried I'd slow them down but no one at SRC ever makes you feel that way so it soon passed. But at 4k I realised this wasn't going to be the easy run I'd hoped. My legs felt tired, my mind felt tired and worse my shins started to hurt. 

I'm an expert in sore shins so I knew it was nothing I couldn't run through, but running with sore shins still isn't fun and if you're tired it just makes it worse. But what makes it even worse is knowing that at 7k you'll hit the dreaded SRC Boxley Hill. Sometimes we run down Boxley, but not tonight. Tonight it was about making that long, slow climb feeling tired and with sore shins. I was prepared that for the first time at a Sweatshop run I may need to walk. 

As I started up Boxley I wasn't feeling confident, there was a gap now between me and the back marshals so I was on my own.  But then a moment of magic happened. I started thinking about all my running friends I'd interacted with this week and all those that have helped get me to where I am.  In particular the strong women I've found myself surrounded with through Run Mummy Run and UKRunchat - Shelley, Shona, Dolly, Fiona and the men who've run alongside me or offered me advice - Matt, Glyn, Colin.  I thought about all those who have sponsored me so far for my half and why I'm running for Amnesty International. 

I started to feel inspired, I drew on that inspiration - on the images of friends (some I've only ever met online), on the confidence invested in my by others and I began to feel strong. The pain in my legs subsided and I focused on just running. I remembered it doesn't matter how far you run, how fast you run but just the fact you run. 

And then I realised who my biggest inspiration was - myself. The person I'd now become, the 7 stone lighter, long distance running me. It was a magical moment and no it didn't stop my shins from hurting at the end but it did get me up Boxley Hill. 

I love it when a plan comes together...

Woohoo I'm back! Where have you been I hear you cry? Well I had my hiatus, I then had my holiday and now I have my mojo. 

What have I learnt since the last time I blogged? 

First don't do a trail race and select to start it at 12 noon. Blimey that was tough at Bedgebury! 

Second, cool as it is to run around Brands Hatch race track it's a pig of a course. Not one bit of it is flat. 

Third, running on holiday is actually really good fun and makes you feel much less guilty about all the food and drink your consuming.

Four, EVERYONE must read Running Like a Girl by Alexandra Heminsley - I don't really do reading anymore, I have a very low boredom threshold and books get started and never finished. I never find the time to pick them up. Even on holiday there is always something else I could be doing. Not this book. started and finished within two days. Made me laugh and cry. But most of all inspired me. Which takes me back to point three. 

Seriously, run on holiday. Most of my runs were fairly short, it was too hot to go far. But on the last day of my holiday, the clouds came over, the pool felt chilly so I thought go for a run. No worrying about time, or distance. I just ran, over one hill, on down to that beach. Stopped for some photos, did aeroplane arms, ran along by the seafront. I felt alive, happy and liberated. 

Arriving home I was inspired and motivated. With 14 weeks until my October Half Marathon at Royal Parks I knew I needed a plan. So out came the running books, the magazines and the internet and after a few days I had designed myself a 12 week training plan. In a moment of panic I realised the worst thing would be to get to the start line and have got it wrong. So thanks to the wonder of Twitter and the magnificent @MattversusMatt I got some hints and tips to refine it and make sure I wasn't get things wrong. 

And now I'm following my plan. And yes I'm following the plan - in fact I love the plan. It is all about the plan. I may get a T-shirt saying "I have a plan". What's even better is the plan is working. I can feel myself getting stronger. I didn't know that running up hills or doing some fartlek would make such a difference, but it does. I'm starting to feel like a runner. 

and pause...

Although I said my blog would be all about the ups and downs, of course I hoped (and believed) it would all be up, up up! Especially once I hit the medal trail, started running longer distances - this blog was going to take me and you all the way to Brighton 2015 without a hiccup. 

No hiccup - just one giant, long, slow BURP!

May was all going so well, ran nearly 12 miles, took part in Larkfield 10k and smashed my personal best and then - well I stopped. I've had to stop before in my short running career - nasty shin splints (I am now a shin splint expert, ask me sometime for my exercise regime) meant I couldn't run for about 3 weeks. 

Something about injury enforced breaks feels easier than what I've just gone through. I've not been injured (although I did have a bad cold for a week) - it's just been life. That chaotic, topsy turvy, uncontrollable, sometimes great, sometimes crap, always fluid and unavoidable thing we all deal with day after day.

I'm not about to go in to detail about my life for the last month, but because of various factors (one being a week that included being on 6 planes across 4 countries) I have achieved 3 runs in 4 weeks. And 2 of those were just last week! 

My running buddy Glyn has said to me today "routine is the key" - of course he's right, but what do you do when you can't fit a routine in? How do you cope with crisis, the unexpected and downright inconvenient? I've learnt that I don't cope well. And when I don't cope well I also eat. 

So of course combined with not running I've been slowly slipping back down a slope of eating chocolate, cake, sweets, fatty foods, ANY FOOD and as this month hasn't been all doom and gloom so too the odd alcoholic drink or two or four or ten! 

Tomorrow is another day and I am now back running - I've done 2 runs this week, and will have my first Friday Sweatshop in a month and most exciting this Saturday have my first ever trail race a 10k through Bedgebury Pinetum. Another medal surely will make me feel better and inspire me to get back to my routine?

I guess I have to review why I stopped running, why I slipped back in to such easy eating habits (lets face it the healthy eating is the hard stuff). I'm not really very good at self-reflection or even self-learning.  But I need to find a way of recognising the signs when life may get in the way, get some strategies for fitting in small runs, baby targets and the odd salad now and then. 

I could just hope this never happens again, yet somehow I think it will after all life is full of burps and farts and runny poo!

Let the training commence!

I wanted to blog last weekend but life got in the way, which means I've had two weeks of mixed fortunes but ultimately ending on a high. 

Week One
Monday 28 April Sweatshop Community Run turned out to be a crucial day in my preparation for Brighton Marathon 2015. First I met a running legend - Wendy Sly who won silver in the women's 3000 meters in LA 1984. It was the race made famous by Zola Budd and Mary Decker. Wendy was lovely and shared running stories as well as letting a bunch of sweaty, post 5k runners manhandle her medal. 

But it was who she was with that made the biggest impact that night - I met my first running coach (in the flesh, there are loads of you on Twitter) from RunFit a local outfit that provide advice, courses and general good stuff to runners across Kent and elsewhere. I was chatting about my running and that I had entered Brighton (did I mention yet I'm running a marathon?!) and he said quite simply "start training now". Clearly I looked slightly bemused and he explained that most people leave it till the usual 18 week plan but that actually if I just start increasing my miles from now to 12/15 in my long run then it will make all the difference. He went on to say that then all I'd need to do is work on my speed (ha ha how I laughed at that) but his words stuck in my mind. Don't leave it too late, it will be harder in winter and post-Christmas so get the miles going now. 

So, last Sunday with Ian's words ringing in my ears I set about my long run along the tow path. I had a target in mind - I wanted to run 10 miles again (something I hadn't done since my first 10 mile race on Good Friday). I wasn't worried about time and I had my new water bottle belt to make sure I didn't let thirst get between me and the distance. I even had tissue, to either wipe the SIS gel from my face or use for any emergency stops. 

This time I didn't get the weather wrong and wore the right clothing, had my headphones as fancied music and was going without my Garmin as it was still at the UPS office having been thrown across the kitchen by my wife and sent away for repair. 

All that led to a pretty epic run - everything worked a treat, I even paused to do my first ever UKrunchat moment (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8I3JhlDvWMQ) and I didn't get thrown when my Nike+ app had a complete mental breakdown and stopped working. (The kind of thing that would have thrown me completely a few weeks ago). But more importantly I just kept running. The legs felt strong, I felt wonderful and although it wasn't fast I smashed out 11 miles in 1hr 48 minutes. Best thing was I felt like I could have run on and my Royal Parks Half in October holds little fear. What a way to end the week and start my road to Brighton....

Week Two
After such an epic week I had wonderful words of advice for my blog all prepared, I was a week away from my next race and it was a bank holiday weekend. Life was great. Running life was better. Then on Monday I felt absolutely awful, sick to my stomach - was it the long run or was it something else? Who knows, but it signalled the start to a week I'd rather forget. 

Long working hours, high stress, intense food and chocolate consumption and dare I say terrible PMT (sorry anyone who likes poo blogs but not period blogs!) So as soon as my high hit I was in a real running slump. I did get my Garmin back like a long lost friend but I didn't run all week, no SRC - nothing to give me my mojo back. Till Friday when I realised that the 9 May was exactly one year since I'd ventured outside to run for the very first time! 

I remember it so clearly, I'd run on the treadmill at the gym a few times and people had started to say "try outside it's so different". So at 6.06am I set off on my normal morning walk around the park with a plan to run in the middle. I had my old walking app going and when I got to the part of the park that is fairly flat off I set. I did a 2.18 mile route in 30:09. So in celebration on Friday I got up early for a change, put my running gear on and this time ran from my front door as I always do now. Same route with happy memories of my burning lungs, the struggle up the small hills, the fact I carried a water bottle back then. I did the 2.18 mile route in 19:28 with my fastest ever kilometre and mile at the beginning! Woohoo I was back!

And to today - the latest race in my desire to collect medals (if only someone had told me this happened I'd have started running years ago) - Larkfield 10k. Not the best prep as I had an unfortunate incident with a red-hot-straight-out-the-oven mini-sausage roll yesterday afternoon which has left me slightly scarred but I figured I'd set off and see how I felt. 

Fact is turns out I felt GREAT! Running without my Garmin for a couple of weeks has helped my pacing but with her back on my wrist and with the knowledge that if I stuck on Tim Carr's heals I'd set a good time (thanks Tim).  The fact at 5k I was still with him and had run it in 28 minutes and felt good I knew that beating my personal best of 56:06 was on. As the finish came in sight and I saw the clock ticking through 56:02, 03, I started to panic - set off my now obligatory sprint finish - crossed the line with a look of huge disappointment (won't be posting those photos) and then remembered GUN TIME! Finish time on my chip 55:48 - I'm in the 55s?!!!

Which all adds up to a few simple lessons:
Whether I like it or not I'm now officially training for a marathon. 
There are good weeks and bad weeks. 
The bad weeks really aren't that bad. 
I'm never going to be able to give up chocolate!

Oh and best news of all - seems my wife is picking up the running bug and knocking parkrun PBs off to boot! 

Things I've learnt this weekend...

London Marathon weekend is always a special one, I've watched the race a couple of times in person and pretty regularly on the TV. But I've never watched it before as a runner. And a runner surrounded by other runners. But that's not where my learning this weekend started, I need to go back to Friday night. 

Friday night is Sweatshop Running Community 10k night and this Friday it was my turn to bring cake. I'd stayed up late on Thursday frantically watching the oven hoping my peanut butter cookies would come out okay, but safely knowing the rocky road in the fridge would prevent a disaster if they didn't. As it was they all turned out well and I'm reliably informed tasted great. 

But Friday didn't teach me I can cook - no, it reminded me of what I never expected to discover when I first went to SRC - a community. This Friday my usual running buddy was injured so I ran mostly on my own, it didn't matter and I still got to within 5 seconds of my 10k personal best. I was cheered as I finished and that wasn't just because they were all eating my offerings. The support you get from being part of something like SRC is amazing. We compare times, we talk about how it felt to run and we laugh - a lot. When I first went I thought I'd turn up run and go home. Now when I run 5k the runs are shorter in length than the time spent chatting at the end! 

The same is also true of parkrun - I resisted joining the parkrun movement for sometime. Saturday's were gym day. I had no time for this 5k run, thinking it was competitive, serious and super scary. As I'm learning I've got this running thing all wrong as it is none of those things. And yesterday was Maidstone Parkrun's 1st birthday and a fancy dress run. What made it super special was my wife decided to run as well and for the first time was happy for me to run with her. So I took a gentle run along the riverbank, tweeting and taking photos as I went dressed in a jesters hat (NOT an ice-cream hat....more of that in a future blog!). I didn't get a personal best (that stays at 27:03) - what I got was a reminder that running is about different experiences and what you want to make of it. One run can be about times, or distance or personal bests and this is important and fun but equally the runs about friendship, support and having a laugh can give as much in return. 

So today - Sunday 13 April 2014, London marathon day - but also a calendar year until the 9am start of Brighton Marathon 2015. I've got a 10 mile race on Good Friday and knew I needed one last longish run (for me!) to give me confidence. So as the BBC coverage started with that amazing music I was pulling on my running gear. Certainly something that has never happened before. I managed an 8 mile run along the river bank, felt good and am sure race day will be okay. Bit scared of that unknown 2 miles but I'm sure the fact I'm racing and a medal waits at the end will spur me on. 

As I was running today though I learnt some pretty important things - the first was when attempting to take a sports gel for the first time do not open it with your teeth. I have very weak hands (can't even get tampon wrappers off easily) and the bloody thing wouldn't open. So aha, use my teeth thought I? Quite glad no one was around to see said pack jet squirt into my eye and all down my face. Damn that stuff is sticky! But I learnt I can laugh and run pretty well!!

And I LOVED my run today - I know I've got a long way to go to be ready for my October Half, never mind Brighton in a year. But I feel ready. I feel strong. I feel fit. I've never felt fit. I used to feel fat, tired, unhappy. But today as I ran I thought how far I've come and how great running makes you feel. It hurts (a lot) but when it's going well it just feels great. And then I get to share that feeling with others who can relate and don't think you're crazy - be they SRC'rs, parkrunners or UKRunChat Tweeters! 

So as I watched the highlights of the London Marathon for the first time I realistically thought - "I could do that", then realised "I will do that!" - but best practise opening those gels a bit more first....

The day it all changed...

Well I think that's today and what a day it's been! Who knew that the 8 April 2014 would become one of those days I may never forget?

After all I've had some pretty big days in my life, the day I left for university, the day I graduated, the day I got my first "proper" job, the day I met my future wife and the date of our civil partnership, the day I got Cagney and Lacey my cats, the day I realised I needed to lose weight and the day I hit losing 7 stone. 

Oh and there is 9 May 2013 - the day I first ever ran outside (unless you count school), it was 6.08am as I was terrified someone may see me. I'd run on a treadmill but everyone had said "do it outside, it's so different and so much better". Was it? Not really. I was convinced I would die as the air burned into my lungs. But I didn't let that stop me and just a few days I later I had another big day, turning 40 and my wife gave me a fabulous Garmin watch so running outside now had a gadget to entice me. 

By September I had discovered the Sweatshop Running Community, joining my local Maidstone group and getting that all important Yellow Army t-shirt. And by November I was finally convinced that a parkrun instead of the Saturday morning trip to the gym would be a good thing. (I no longer have my gym membership - not needed!)

A big day in December as I ran my first race - 5 miles in the Kent Christmas Cracker, I've done a 10k now and am entered in to several more - including a terrifying Royal Parks Half in October. 

Then in December, or was it January, not sure but it doesn't really matter I came across UKrunchat on Twitter. A fabulous, crazy, supportive, funny, fast and friendly running community. 

And those are the pieces of the jigsaw which has brought me right up to today and finding myself entered into the Brighton Marathon on 12 April 2015.

It's beyond anything I ever imagined being able to do or even contemplate doing. What I've learnt through running is there really is no such thing as never. Barriers I put up have been knocked down, preconceptions I had have been overturned and now I'm going to train for and run a marathon. 

So things have changed for me - I can't go back and share the journey to here, but I can and will share with you the journey to come!