Deflated or defeated?

That's it I've entered the wilderness. Lost in a no mans land where I know deep down the crucial part of my marathon training doesn't have to start until the new year - and the weather is cold, my motivation is low, my extra weight isn't shifting.....blah blah blah. 

Blimey why would you read this blog? I'm not sure I want to write it. It was all I could do tonight not to dive in Tesco pick up a doesn't Krispy Kremes and bring them home to eat the lot. I'm an all or nothing dieter! No wonder I was once 18 stone. My mood dictates my food. 

I feel a fraud. I've tricked you all in to believing I'm a runner. Hell apparently some of you have been inspired to take it up. STOP now before it goes too far! Before one day you wake up and don't want to run. Before even then easy runs become hard. Before you start to doubt your doubts. It was so much easier when all I had going on was my inability to open a SIS gel packet! 

Right now I could give it all up. Seriously I could. But am I just deflated or am I defeated? I suspect the fact I've just purchased two "spare" pair of my running shoes means my woeful mood is temporary and I'm not giving up running. But I'm hating each step. I'm hating that I hate it. I'm avoiding Twitter. I haven't been on UKRunChat or Run Mummy Run for ages. These should be places you get support. But they sometimes feel like only places happy runners go. 

This could still be a post race slump. I had two good runs last week a sub 28 5k and a sub 60 10k. They felt hard. And I don't feel like I do that enough. Like I'm improving. Does it really matter? I didn't used to care or compete over times. But maybe the running community sucks you in to caring too much. Perhaps that's one of its flaws. We're all at heart wanting to feel like we're winners. And when we can't. When we don't. We then just feel like failures. 

Life is busy at the moment. Lots of change. And I'm prone to times when I can be too hard on myself. But running was meant to be my release and it's starting to feel like my albatross. There will be a way out and a sunny side. I'm still working through the plan and I have a half marathon in just over a week. The addition of a new medal may help. And who knows perhaps Father Christmas will bring me a shiny new mo-jo all wrapped up in pretty paper and a ribbon? 

Half way there!

That's it I did it. I ran Royal Parks Half Marathon in 2 hours 8 minutes and 6 seconds. Not bad for my first go at 13.1 miles. I am now an official half marathon runner. Despite completely missing the Royal Albert Hall at mile 12 (even though photos prove it was right in front of me) I had a blast. 

That doesn't mean it was easy - it wasn't - I had to dig deep (thanks Dolly!!) at many points during the race. Mile 9-12 especially, there were new random pains, sore feet, crowded paths but all the time I focused on the job at hand. I remembered all the things my training taught me, I had motivation from all the support I've received (real and virtual), there were people shouting my name and there were amazing crowds. And there was Keeley. At miles 1, 6 and 9 - just as we'd planned. And wow what a difference that made. As it makes every day when I see Keeley - just as we planned.

Without doubt it was an amazing life affirming experience full of new friends, old friends and great tales to tell. 

But what next? I now know I can run 13.1 miles in a good time. My legs at the end told me I'm a long way off doubling that distance. The race also taught me that training is everything. I had rehearsed every inch of Royal Parks - and it paid off.  Now how to take that forward to my double marathon experience next April? 

The answer? Sit on the sofa for a while. It's been 25 days since my first half marathon. I've run 7 times. Once upon a time that ratio would have been pretty impressive. Now I feel fairly blurgh about the whole thing. I've rejoined weight watchers (having put on a stone in the last 7 months) and I'm doing my best to build up motivation - having rather rashly entered Ashford Half in just 3 weeks time. I'm sure all will be well. And after all I've written my double marathon training plan - I can build up slowly, there's loads of time. It'll be great. I'm Little Miss Positive aren't i? 

Aren't i? Perhaps I need to remember miles 9-12 and dig deep just a little bit more once again. Sometimes for no reason at all things aren't easy. And if they were - well I guess they wouldn't be worth having (isn't that a fridge magnet somewhere?) - my other blog - Wise-Words is the serious blog but actually this is about my marathon experience and face it, it's not all going to be laughs. Running is hard. It's hard to keep motivated. It's hard to get out there day after day, especially if work is long and draining.  It's hard to bounce back from disappointments, missed times, poor runs, unexplained crapness. And then it's hard to stop that creeping into your head. Bringing up all those negative thoughts you felt you had under control. 

But I'm Little Miss Positive. And I've got 5 months, 5 days, 10 hours, 54 minutes and 20 seconds  to find my mojo. I've got a shiny new plan. And I've got you. Yes YOU - goodness you didn't think you could just read this blog and give nothing back surely? Cause 26.2 miles x 2 in 14 days is a long way. And the journey to get there is even further - mentally and physically and I'm going to need more than just Keeley at miles 1, 6 and 9. So come on dust off those Pom-Poms real and virtual. This is where the hard work really begins!