Holding out for a Hero

It's over. Two marathons in two weeks. Fundraising. Training. Job done. End of blog. 
But it's never that simple is it - my blog isn't about race reviews, or trying to entice you into running. Instead I'm trying to give you an insight into how someone who was 18 stone, inactive and had no thoughts of running has reached 7 Marathons. But also what that means emotionally, how it fits into the context of life. And I like to make you laugh (now and then).
It seems fitting I've started writing this whilst Mind Over Marathon is on BBC1 - the inspirational stories of 10 people with mental health issues training for the London Marathon. I live my life knowing what you see in someone isn't always what's going on underneath. You can't tell where someone has been and what's got them there. My personal experience is just that - personal and there's a reason I make sure I smile around every race I do. One day that may too make it into a blog.
Running has changed my life, it gives me a renewed purpose. Freedom. Space to breath. Oh and to eat cake. I love connecting with people through running. Everyone with different goals but respecting those goals and knowing they're all as valid. It also helps you deal with the unexpected. Things never quite go to plan. Paris was super hot, beautiful - well organised, full of fun and one to enjoy. I felt strong and enjoyed every moment from the early stages running with Liz to the later parts dodging walkers and taking selfies.

London though I had a goal. I wanted to help Danny achieve his PB. We would all run together and celebrate in the moment at the end. There was never a moment in my life I imagined standing at the start of the London marathon with a large group of friends. Taking selfies. Laughing. Feeling like it's a regular Sunday run. The sun was shining and it was already feeling like a special day. Somehow in running I've discovered I'm really good at pacing. So that was my role. Keep us at a steady pace. Not going off too fast and finish strong. Oh and have a bloody good laugh whilst we did it.


Well plans sometimes change. And perfect pacing is great until injury strikes and you need to re-evaluate. It would turn into one of those days. The why's and wherefores don't matter. But needless to say Danny is an ultimate hero as nothing would stop him reaching that finish and I just wanted to do it with him. My mind was cast back to Beachy when I struggled so much and Jules stuck with me. Today that's what I wanted to do for Danny! So we ran from physio to physio. Friends to friends supporting. Laughing. Cheering. Waving. A slightly unfortunate run-in with a portaloo in one tunnel (a few drinks may get you that story!) The occasional swear word and at the end a few tears. It was my favourite run ever. It was everything that running is for me. And it was everything that running has given me.

Everyone who runs a marathon is a hero. They aren't easy. Although I've run 7 I'm still amazed it's something I do, something I can do, something I enjoy to do. You have to dig into places that come from years of discovering what your resolve is built on. I've been lucky to date - I've got through fairly unscathed but I've learned to admire and respect those who have to dig just that little bit more as things don't go to plan. So congratulations to everyone that crossed the finish on Sunday - be it London or somewhere else. Let's see what we can do next!


Thank you to everyone that sponsored me for these two runs. I was running for New Family Social - a small charity for whom I'm their only runner. But many LGBT families who foster or adopt will all benefit from your generosity.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

This time it's personal!

Just over three weeks until Paris marathon - under French law you need a medical certificate to run in races. So off I toddled to my GP having paid my £20 I needed a brief exam and his signature and stamp. I was far from worried as this would be my 6th marathon and look I'm not 18 stone any more but the fittest I've ever been in my life! My doctor agreed as my blood pressure was normal, my resting heart rate was low (he said a sign I'm fit). One last check of my lungs and listening to my heart - ended with him saying "oh you have a slight murmur?", "yes that's right, since I was a baby, it's on my records". 

I was born with a heart condition, I remember being tested and treated. Trips to doctors and hospitals, tiredness, being able to sit out of games at school. Ultrasounds when I was a teenager and endless ECGs, blood tests and generally being told it was as regular a murmur you can get and there was little to worry about. Well until 30 years later and I needed a medical certificate signing! As it was my GP signed my certificate but insisted I have some tests just to check nothing had changed. Personally I felt a little that this wasn't necessary but anything to ensure I could not only run Paris but not have to worry about running at all! 

It's funny to be confronted with the real possibility someone may tell you that you shouldn't be running. Of course no one can tell you that you can't run - it could only ever be advisory - but still it would be strong advice and hard to ignore. That said I was pretty clear I would ignore it. Absolutely. What would I do with out running? Get fat again? Take up something else - god I hate swimming! It just doesn't bear thinking about. Besides I've got 21 miles to run before I even think about these tests! 

What a great run it was - a typical Sunday Selfie Runner speed of chat, goat stops, tea stops and cake. I don't mind how long it take me I just enjoy the journey. So over 5 hours of leisurely stop start running. Oh and 36 photos uploaded to Strava - whoops i got over excited !

The good news is I've had my ECG and nope it wasn't normal. But it was normal for me and showed no sign of any major problems so my GP is happy with it. One more scan just to check me out but all seems fine. No one is going to stop me gradually getting slower and slower! Well okay not quite - but no one is going to stop me running. Even better I'm in good condition - as I said as fit as I've ever been. From being a "sickly" child I'm a fit, marathon running adult. I may not ever get any faster. Maybe I'll remember to be careful (it's why I always run with a chest based HRM) and also fill my race bib out on the back! 

It's been an unexpected chance to reflect on where I've come from, where I'm going and how amazing it is I run marathons for fun! Paris and London in two weeks is a challenge I'm excited about - but one I know I can make (after all not my first double marathon challenge) and one I know I'll enjoy. What's not to love about London? Even better I'm running for a charity I care about and am their only runner! Yes that brings pressure as I want to raise as much money as I can but also I know they're happy with whatever I make them and the publicity. 

So just three weeks and I'll have completed marathon number six. It is likely to be my one and only French race as who knows what a future Doctor will decide over my murmur. Which means I'll make the most of it. Soak in every moment. Perhaps take a few selfies? It's the only way I know how to run nowadays but perhaps more than ever this marathon now represents what running has become for me. How much it's changed my life. How much it brings to my life. This time it's very much personal!

Thank you :
A huge thank you to everyone who bought tickets in my raffle and most of all to those who donated prizes. They were all very personal to me - things I love on my runs like Buttercups Goat Sanctuary, Little Fant Farm and things I love running with like Flipbelts, egloves, Energy Snacks and Scimitar shirts. The running community which has meant so much to me Run Mummy Run and UKRunChat and all those wonderful things to do post run - foam roller, drink wine, eat Freddos or Krispy Kremes! And of course peanut butter..... 

Your Pace or Mine?

Get a grip Jo! Seriously what are you doing - it's just a run round the block. Stop having a breakdown. I mean what could it be - shoes, end of day tiredness, fact haven't eaten since lunch, the giant hill you just tried to run up? Or are you genuinely now no longer able to run? 

I mean come on you've got two marathons in 10 weeks time and this time last year you were bashing out times. Clearly you've let yourself go....and look that bloody running group you created is FULL of people who are doing amazing things. Running fast, far and having loads more fun than you. They're confident and happy in their running world when all you want to do is sit in the corner and rock, cry or worse. 

But you have been here before. You've written loads of blogs on the subject and know you can do this. Right? I mean just because you can't run further than 5k without walking doesn't matter. Right? After all who is judging you? Who is here right now telling you this is a disaster? Is anyone waiting to study your Strava time and see if you're trending faster? Nobody. Not one person you know. Oh wait - yes that's you! You are judging yourself. Against everyone and anyone and most especially against yourself....stop it. 

I mean this isn't why you started running is it? This isn't what got you down to SRC, becoming an avid parkrunner and seeking out all those online communities - UKrunchat, Run Mummy Run, BOSH? You wanted to get fit and have fun. You didn't even know what a race was - but you've done loads. And this year is about the longer goal - Paris, London, Dorchester, Beachy with a smile on your face. Every weekend you put a shirt on that says "running at the speed of chat" - it was a badge of pride once. Not something to feel guilty about. 

It's brilliant that we're all different and if your goals are different - if seeking PBs isn't as important as just surviving a run then that's okay. It doesn't make you worse than anyone. It shouldn't make you feel bad. Stop feeling bad! I mean Yoda has a lot to answer for. "Do or do not. There is no try." Well come on that was said to Luke as he didn't believe in himself. But you do. You know what's important. It's okay to try and keep trying. Sometimes you won't make it. But sometimes you will. After all what message do you want beginners to get - what message are we giving to all those new parkrunners or community members - get out and run. No matter what. No matter how fast. How "slow". How far or how short. Enjoy it and if you want to shoot further then do it. But it doesn't have to be everything. All of the time. Only if you want it to be. And never, ever ever feel bad if that's not for you! 

Okay. It's all downhill from here so you can get home. You can do this. You can't post a pithy Strava title that hides the pain that you've been through on this run. You can take a selfie. Smile and think that 10k you've got in a week will be okay. If you walk. So what? Smile. Laugh. Get round. Then get round the next. And the next. And the next. Apparently this will still get you to the finish in Paris and London. Cause in the end you're a happy little jogger - not a professional runner so the smile at the beginning, middle and end is all that really matters! 

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

Sometimes it's about more than running

Recently Susie Chan blogged about how it's okay to be okay. Coming from someone who is so very exceptional at what she does it was a relief to know everyone struggles sometimes. And actually we all have doubts. When so much of running and the running community is about time, distance, pace and most of all being the very best albeit your own personal best it was refreshing to be reminded that doesn't always matter. So many of my blogs talk about this issue. So many times I face a crisis of confidence in my running, reminiscent of the crisis I face every day in life to believe in myself. To believe the words others say to me. To be kind to myself. It's very easy to give out praise to others. To support achievements big and small. To help others realise even their smallest goals are important. It's hard to do that for myself.

There are times I think this doesn't really matter, but I've learned that 26.2 miles is pretty unforgiving. My first marathon taught me the slightest chink in your mental armour can cause a complete implosion. Entering Berlin it was clear I wasn't in the best of places, but I managed to have the best of times. Everything they say about Berlin is true - it's fast, it's flat and the atmosphere is amazing. There was a time when I was running early on with Fran that I thought I could put all my bad training behind me and go for that PB.
Perhaps you'll think I failed by making a conscious decision at that point to stick with my plan - not to overdo it. To take my time. Enjoy each moment. Take my selfies and what time I achieved didn't matter. I'll never know if I could have sustained my early pace just because I didn't try. But I didn't fail. I achieved everything I set out to do.

It was hard. Really hard. I've never sent texts whilst running before but I was communicating with Keeley and Jules. I knew if I could get 10k to go I'd be fine. But it was hard work. Marathons are - anyone who tells you they aren't look at very suspiciously. Crossing the finish at Berlin was the most emotional finish I'd had. Relief. Joy. Pride. Such a special place and a special feeling. 

But I can't just rest there. It wasn't enough to achieve in Berlin as back in January I'd entered Beachy Head marathon. One of those "must do" races everyone talks about. Running with Jules, focusing on eating sausage rolls and maximising enjoyment. I wasn't worried at all - this was going to be fun. I never thought about how hard it would be. The weeks between Berlin and Beachy weren't ideal - stress, comfort eating, fears and tears. Putting on more weight i realised I'd be running at a weight I've never run at before, certainly not marathon distance. But that's okay I can do that. My head was starting to clear and mentally I was feeling good for Beachy. Big crowd of us. Keeley coming to support. Sausage rolls. Did I mention they have sausage rolls on route?  

Beachy Head Marathon is everything everyone says it is - brutal, beautiful, great atmosphere, wonderful people, hills that go on forever. Running toward the back, taking our time we had a blast. I met some of the most amazing people I've yet met on a race. Members of the 100 marathon club including Lorraine doing her 137th marathon and she has cancer. A man running his 5th marathon in 5 days for his sons charity. So many people doing BH as their first marathon - including our new friend Jules (another!) who ran with us. Jonathan, Tracey, Ana, Boshers, marshals, Traviss and Rachel - legends amongst us and all sharing the same experience - the steps, the fog, the hills, the wall to climb over - oh and the sausage rolls, hot cross buns and soup at checkpoint 4! 

Then you reach that last 10k - it stretches out in front of you in a way I've never seen 10k before. It didn't look possible, the infamous Seven Sisters, but a simply stunning vista with crystal calm sea. We were still laughing as we started the relentless up and downs of this final stretch. I had 4 hours until the cut off and pointed out I could crawl it in that time - but the chink was there. I may have been joking but as the downhills were becoming more painful than the uphills I knew there was some truth in it. My Jules was still at my side. Some brief exchange about leaving each other but I knew she'd never go. We started and would finish this one together. Thank God as i knew i couldn't do it without her. Each step got harder and harder. I thought I would cry. I've never cried mid run before - if you can call what I was doing running. Reaching Birling Gap felt an eternity - but they had cake. And we were still taking selfies and having fun. I just wasn't sure what kind of fun it was. Finally when a marshal told us the truth - two more uphills then it would be all downhill to the finish I dug in, panic in my heart as to how long this would take me.  But finally stretching out for the downhill and running for the finish. Yes I was actually running! 

Those 6 miles are like nothing I've ever felt before. It was like a microcosm of the challenges life throws at you. Trying to hang on. Using everyone around you for support. Uphill, downhill, laughing, crying, frustration and delirious joy at meeting a coastguard with a mars bar! But I kept going. I wonder if Beachy had been two weeks ago would I have done? We'll never know. But I do know that the way I felt at the end of Beachy swept all other finishes into history. Beachy Head is such an emotional place anyway. A place where people come face to face with demons, challenges, fighting battles that sometimes they win and sadly many times they don't. That day I won my own battle - and once again was reminded that yes it was just a race, but sometimes it's about more than running! 

When everything goes wrong

Sometimes life really doesn't go to plan and right now my life is full of high stress, difficult times and just holding it together is a job in itself. In amongst all this the pounds have crept back on and comfort food is never far away. Continuing to run has been hard - priorities change. Busy schedules and feelings that something had to give mean this isn't about losing mojo it's more about fitting everything in. Potentially this would be okay but what does it mean when you've got a marathon coming up and what do you do to try and get things under control? 

Start by taking the marathon plan off the fridge, say that you're focussing on running for enjoyment? Try to keep running with friends at weekends but don't worry if you miss mid-week sessions or intensity changes? Buy new clothes that fit slightly better and tell yourself it's okay - you're still far ahead of where you've been in the past? Watch others achieve great success and try not to feel sad that it reminds you of how different things are for you? Spend 4 hours running a half marathon because it has wine at all the drinks stops? 

Which of these works? Well I've tried them all and I'm still not sure yet! Some of them have made me feel great (Bacchus for example) and others not so much (like buying new clothes). All the time I keep entering races - I've got 3 marathons already next year. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter. The speed I run at, whether I ever manage a PB again, the weight creeping back on. People ask how you are and you say fine. People see me walking on runs and helpfully call out "come on put the effort in". I smile and wave back. People ask what my plan is for Berlin and I say "oh to have fun" - all the time thinking it's just to survive! 

Running has always been a part of my mental health plan and now my mental health is suffering none of it's going to plan. Maybe that's ironic or maybe it's just Alanis Morissette's definition of ironic. But it's still not helpful. Instead I'm going to once again dig deep into my reserves. Find the strength not just to get around in Berlin but get around in life. I'm going to try and find new goals which are more about staying focused on what's important and what's not. My realistic target for Berlin is 5 - 5.30hrs and I need to try and own that without the twinge of disappointment I currently feel. 

I saw a quote the other day about "stop comparing yourself to strangers on the Internet". It made me smile but also its true. Strava is a great thing but it's also my worst enemy at times. I need to be me. Which is frankly, something I've never been good at. I'm great at being things for other people and not so good at being them for myself. Berlin or Beachy a few weeks later, or even running as Chester the Squirrels bodyguard, are not things I should fall apart over. Especially when my life is currently full of things that really are. 

Seems I'm learning running is all about perspective and right now, at this point, I need to find some! 

 

Rising to the challenge!

Whoops - seems I've let a bit of time go past since my last post. But funnily enough I'm still hanging out with Dames! Last weekend I completed my 100th parkrun and was lucky enough for Kelly Holmes to join the 400 runners at Maidstone. Taking selfies, high fiving runners and generally being the inspiration she is to everyone. It was amazing. Thank you to Kelly for helping make my 100th run even more special. The parkrun movement has given me so much. Not least a growing group of friends and the opportunity to give something back to the Maidstone community I live in. Whether it's running or volunteering I couldn't imagine Saturday mornings without parkrun - what's wonderful is to see my family and non-running friends get involved too. At Maidstone we are fortunate to have the full support of all Councils in holding our event, they've recognised the amazing breadth of community involvement in parkrun - young and old, helping people achieve goals small and large and, like for me, providing an opportunity to give back.

Of course we could run without the trappings of parkrun. We could turn up and run as a group of friends. But by running under the parkrun banner we join a global collective. A movement that says "you're welcome here" - no judgement, no pressure but look if you run with us we'll time you AND give you incentive to turn up each week. Including a free t shirt if you hit a milestone. Reaching 100 runs meant so much to me - as Adam said on Twitter one hundred times of not forgetting my barcode! 

My 100th parkrun came just 6 weeks after completing Brighton marathon. Sadly I think I've missed the inspiration to go into much detail about what happened in Brighton. Suffice to say I achieved all my goals but was nearly scuppered by a hideous cold. The weekend was once again wonderful and those demons from last year buried. I ran with a smile and a song - using the Nolans to help me get through the dead zone by the power station. (Don't even ask - but seems I know all the words to I'm in the Mood for Dancing).  Stopping for a selfie (to the bemusement of St Johns Ambulance) and knowing I was NEVER coming back there! At least not for a long long time. Seems singing really works for me as my last 10k I felt strong and began to overtake people. Picking them off and picking up pace. With a cry of Um Bongo at mile 23 I dug in for home and smashed my PB finishing in 4:48:24. Even better Megan was there to hand me my medal and I was able to enjoy the beach and a post run champagne without the same pain and fear of another marathon due in two weeks! 

My Berlin plan appeared on the fridge as soon as I could draft it. Trying to head off that post marathon slump. But it still came. For what felt like forever I ran only 5ks and they felt like miles and miles. Our first long runs even with the joy of our new found hamper stop were tough and painful. Why can you run a marathon but then feel like you're starting again from scratch? Perhaps the challenge of Berlin wasn't enough? Perhaps I needed to think about why I run and what it gives me? 

So I hatched a secret plan for my birthday. How to enjoy it even though I was going to be on my own. How to take my mind off lots of life's stresses that are constantly swirling around. After a gentle 14 mile run by myself I knew I could design a birthday route which would take in all I wanted. A route from home - up to the North Downs Way, a stop for lunch and then the Greensand Way before turning for home. Perfect. When I woke up on my birthday to find the weather forecasters were right and we had torrential rain, high winds and generally the worst running weather I'd ever seen - I was truly distraught. My plans were ruined. It was hard to do anything other than sit crying, feeling very sorry for myself. Not even wanting to open cards or presents. On my own and now with nothing to do. Possibly worst birthday ever coming up. But the forecasters weren't totally right. As at 10am the rain broke, the mist lifted and I took the decision to run. By 10.30 I was on my way and by 11am I'd reached Ed's Hill and it was time to climb up to the Downs. I had a new running pack on and I had lots of supplies, including pork pies and mini-scotch eggs for my half way lunch. Halfway wouldn't come until 14 miles. Yep my secret route was a planned 28 miles. Only Keeley and a last minute confession to Jules knew my plan and they both tracked my progress and sent messages of support throughout. 

It was wonderful! Simply beautiful trails, with mud and puddles and fallen trees. I fuelled well. Stopped for a picnic. Got lost a couple of times. But kept going. Mile after mile. Step after step. Over styles. Up stairs. Along overgrown paths. Eventually some rain fell but only as I passed the magic 26.2 miles. I had run marathon distance. So every step from now was something new and took me into ultra territory. I ended on 45.5km - over 28 miles. What a birthday - and I could still walk. Plenty of lessons too (for next time!) and the added bonus of a massive confidence boost. Yes I have a plan for Berlin but now I also know I can run and run. 

Oh and I can also run with a squirrel tale! Did I forget to mention at my 100th run I used my bushy Royal Parks tale - as yep I'm doing the Royal Parks Half in October again but this time as the bodyguard for Chester the Team Squirrel mascot. The good news is that Chester is James and my other bodyguard buddy is Ben. If you're going look out for us both or if you're in Team Squirrel maybe we'll see you at a practice run? Plenty more blogs to share on this I'm sure! 

http://m.virginmoneygiving.com/mt/uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=ChesterTheSquirrel&un_jtt_redirect

You can't run forever

Less than four weeks to go until Brighton and training hasn't been going brilliantly. I've missed a couple of long runs and I just hope they don't turn out to be crucial. Think I've kept the intensity high enough that I should be okay. And that missing fear factor makes such a difference. I'll line up for Brighton knowing I'll have a great time even if I don't need to run a great time!

Although I haven't been doing all my runs I have been getting my mental approach right by mixing with Olympians! First on international women's day some time spent with Amy Williams and Mhairi Spence who shared their stories of heroics and hard work. Then with my best running buddy Jules we went along to Dame Kelly Holmes Running Hub breakfast. If you don't know Kelly is training hard for the London Marathon and is raising money for 5 charities (http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/KellysHeros) Now I've no doubt that she will smash London but to hear this legend share stories of long runs and training that we can all relate to and to find myself discussing nutrition and long run fuel with Kelly was surreal and wonderful. Plus I got to catch up with some UKrunchat pals - it was a perfect morning! 

But I was left with a lasting legacy as Dame Kelly talked about her experience of depression and self-harm and how this affected her and makes her determined to speak out and raise money now. During the drive home I found myself opening up to Jules about my own experiences and how some of that has shaped my running and my desire to ensure I enjoy Brighton. I'm always aware you never truly know someones background unless they share it with you. I take this with me to never judge or second guess someones motives but I'm not so good at sharing my story. But as Jules and I have run side by side for many hundreds of miles now it felt totally right. Plus that drive which Dame Kelly is showing for her charities can help me drive my way around Brighton without falling apart as I did last time. It can then drive me on to Berlin to a possible PB and further to Beachy and beyond for new challenges.  Thanks to Jules for listening and whoever you are don't be afraid to open up. Someone will always listen and you don't have to run 26.2 miles with them to make it okay xx

My life has been a rollercoaster at times but I'm lucky and I'm alive. And now I'm fit and healthy and

able to run and it seems inspire others to run too. On Sunday the Selfie Sunday Runners of Maidstone hit the streets of Maidstone for the Heart of Kent Hospice Run Day - 5k, 10k or a half marathon but all together in our love of running. Our love of selfies and our love of cheering the very last person over that finish line -  especially when they battled hard for it (Megan!).  Running at the speed of chat became a joke between Jules and I but now we wear it with pride as a badge, actually a shirt, of honour.  

The next four weeks will tick by and soon Brighton will be here. I will run that sea front with the biggest smile this year - no matter what happens. Whatever challenge you've faced to get to that start line make sure you enjoy your moment. A friend said to me before Brighton last year "remember that moment in Brighton years ago - now look at you. You're amazing - marathon or no marathon" - this year that's going to drive me round. We're all amazing. We're all special. We can all beat the demons and when we can't? We can run - surrounded by friends and snapping selfies. After all - what other kind of running is there? 

So good luck Dame Kelly Holmes - you'll be amazing at London and I'll think of you when I'm at mile 26 in Brighton as you've helped me already know I'll get to that finish line with a smile!