Things will never be the same again...

This blog post isn’t really about running, well i guess it sort of is. But I haven’t done any running really since London. Other than getting half way around Bewl Marathon and deciding that I’d had enough, which in turn led me to realise that I wouldn’t be doing the run the wall this year. So since mid May I’ve stopped running. I tried to do parkrun a couple of weeks ago, but my own physical self, mental self and an off-hand comment by one of the volunteers meant I stopped my Garmin and slunk myself back to the car to head home. 

But actually since then things have started to take a turn for the better. I used to say (to anyone who would listen) that I was proud of the fact that I knew myself inside and out. No secrets in my life due to years and years of counselling, therapy and self-introspection. Except turns out I was wrong. Despite having had depression on and off all my life, thinking that I understood what it meant for me and priding myself on still working and not really letting it get in the way of my life. The last two years that hasn’t been the case. I began to struggle at work. I began to struggle to see people. And finally in February of this year I totally stopped being able to function. My GP told me I wasn’t safe to work and turns out I wasn’t really safe for much, not even keeping my self safe. I’ve not been back to work since. But I’ve used this time wisely. Finding myself a therapist I trust completely and who gets me (don’t underestimate this!) - being failed by NHS Mental Health services, drugged up to the eye-balls and in the end paying for the diagnosis and treatment I need myself and being helped by work. I’m one of the lucky ones. Several people aren’t so lucky. If I wasn’t one of the lucky ones I think I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I think I would be dead. As believe me I came close even with all of this. 

What I’ve learned is that actually I had hidden demons that have been so influencing my life that I had no idea. Trauma comes in many forms and it’s impact and effects can be hard to recognise, but piecing the puzzle together is all part of recovery. Simple steps turn out to have great power. It’s a slow process, but only once I’ve been through this will I be able to then start working on the depression. As the latter relies on a degree of self-compassion I’m incapable of believing or accepting currently. 

I will never be the same person again. Which is a good thing. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Eating disorder and all. I need to start being able to see that emotions and feelings are not dirty words (which is why the safety of talking about it in a blog post is all part of my recovery). I need to accept that everything is not, actually, my fault. And I’ve started to understand that for me, running is actually a part of the problem. This for some will be heresy, but actually I want to name it. Say it loud and clear. Many many people post about the positive benefits of running, for them that’s amazing and wonderful. That running helps them keep their mental health balanced and well. I thought the same. Until I realised it didn’t. 

Running started for me as a hobby, something fun, that I looked forward to and did with friends, helping me to feel really good. It continued this way until a couple of years ago. When suddenly as my other coping mechanisms began to fail. So too did running. In fact it made things worse. The pressure I felt. The fear of failure. The mental exhaustion from taking part in ultras, that didn’t make me feel better. They just made me feel worse and like a failure. Even the social side became unbearable as I pretended that all was okay and kept going out with others, all the while eating myself up inside and then comfort eating for real afterwards. Medication helped contribute to an ever growing weight as did this comfort eating and an inability to say no to food. The spiral downwards was quicker and faster than I imagined and running felt at the heart of lots of it. 

We hear all the time “It’s okay not to be okay” or “the power of positive thinking”, “No excuses”, kick out the negativity in your life...I hate all these expressions. For some of us, none of these things are true. For me this isn’t about mental health. We ALL have mental health. It’s inescapable, what most of us do is manage to keep this well. We may have dips or drops but actually 4 out of 5 are okay with their mental health. The rest of us, well we aren’t. And actually that makes us ill. Mental illness is NOT a dirty word. We all get ill. Colds. Upset stomachs. Flu. Broken legs. These things are not okay. We take tablets or see a Dr to help us and they take time to heal. Mental illness is no different. I don’t want it to be okay not be okay. I want it to be okay to say “help me!” I want it to be okay to say “I’m struggling” and actually i want this hideous, dark swirling mess of pain to go away. Even for a few hours. I want to feel okay! 

And no power of positive thinking will help that. At least not for me. Treatment. Exploring why some of these feelings are here, that will help me. Drugs - not so much. And believe me I’ve got plenty of excuses and even more reasons why I’m not well. At times hearing the world say they only want positive people in their lives helps drive you to believe there is no place for you in this world. So you’re better off out of it. 

It felt so hard to say that running was a part of the problem. Until London. How I got round that marathon I will never know. Driven by something I guess that I can’t explain and don’t understand. But it was hell at times. When you’ve been feeling like you just want to die, 26.2 miles isn’t the best thing to try. After I told close friends and my counsellor that I wasn’t doing the wall anymore every single one of them said “thank god”. No one wanted to be the person who stopped me doing it. But as my counsellor said “you’d have run out all your mental reserves and then what...”  the pressure came off and I the fact I didn’t feel like going for a run didn’t matter. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’ll run. I’ve still got a few races this year and I believe I want to do them. Running is actually good for me. But stepping away has made such a difference. I’m strava free. No desire to check on everyone else’s runs and although my Garmin does still auto-upload to my account I have no notifications so only look if I want to look. I’m starting to believe that those achievements like Race to the Tower were achievements. And I’m convinced that Jeffing will help me keep the ability to run races and parkruns even if I can’t win my battle with my weight. 

Whether I ever go back to running in a group or with friends, that I’m not sure. Other than perhaps a parkrun now and then and the races I’ve managed hardly any of my runs this year have been group runs. Those that were all happened in the ‘let’s pretend’ phase of the year. Hard to believe that I don’t take selfies either. And I don’t know if I will. I have changed. I can’t go back to who I was before. And I don’t want to. Battle scars make us, apparently. They don’t define us and our lives can change like the weather. “Always in motion is the future”, which means I can’t say anything for sure. But it’s no bad thing that things will never be the same again....

Thanks as always to the AMAZING @sow_ay for his illustrations - see more at https://sow-ay.tumblr.com/

Over the Line

After a year of DNS I finally started a race and finished it - thankfully it was the race that mattered London. I’d love to say great things about the build up and the race. It was London and whatever others say I believe it is one of the greatest races in the calendar and the world (more on that later) - this made it a special day even if not the best day. 

Thanks to Jeff Galloway I was able to start and finish and I learned some valuable lessons linked to Jeffing - 

1.  Start your run/walk cycle from the moment you step across the start line. It may feel weird walking so soon in a race but it matters and makes all the difference to later on. 

2. It’s easy to run too fast in the running parts. At points I was at my regular marathon pace. I realised too late this was too fast for me even with walk breaks. 

3. There are lots of us Jeffing - it was great to be at the back of the pack with a group of mostly women all doing a run/walk. Shame we didin’t all start at the same time so we were in synch! 

4. Stopping to talk to friends watching really messes with the cycle! 

5. Don’t shift to a shorter or longer run until at least 20 miles. In a marathon this is when the race really starts and it’s no difference Jeffing. 

6. Even with limited training by Jeffing you can start, finish and make the most of race day. I’m never going back to just running! 

The miles ticked by and i was enjoying Jeffing a lot - using the walk breaks to soak in the atmosphere, chat to people around me (including running in to Sarah who I went to primary school with!) and thinking how great it was to be in London once again. Yes, the London marathon is a busy race - there are over 40000 runners and that can make navigating tricky. I made sure no one was behind me when I moved into a walk break and that I was always to the side. For me it’s the crowds of runners and spectators that make this race, plus I love the route - through parts of where I used to live, around Tower Hill and a spectacular finish. 

But at mile 19 i began to wonder if I’d made a terrible mistake trying to complete a marathon. Not because I felt out of shape physically (which I am) but mentally i was tired, sad and faced with the reality of my depression. I’ve never felt so vulnerable on a run before. I’m not great at sharing my emotions, opening up to others but I knew at mile 19 if I saw someone I knew it was all going to fall apart. I just kept run/walking knowing I was ticking off the miles and that i could survive, like I keep surviving. I just wondered who would be the poor soul who encountered me first. It was James. At Tower Hill with all the Harriers - a welcome hug, a few tears and then some more hugs without tears and it was on to finish. Thank you to James and to all those that helped me get through the full 26.2. 

Crossing the finish i was proud of what I’d achieved. It didn’t feel like other races and London 2019 won’t be my favourite race to remember. But I’ve raised over £3000 for Breast Cancer Now (My Fundraising Page) when it was hard to imagine I would ever start and finish a race again. And I knew it was a step towards my goal of The Wall. 

Running gives me many things, it provides space from the world, endorphins to help me feel better, escape and friendship. I’m still running alone but I know there are people out there who are there when I need them. It’s hard. Running London was one of the hardest races I’ve ever completed. I haven’t shared many photos, well any photos as looking at them I see someone out of shape, struggling with the weight of things they can’t comprehend - but maybe one day I’ll see what others tell me they see! 

Here Comes Jeff....

London is now 24 days away. The Wall is 71 days away. Training plans have been and gone. Planned times. Expectations all out of the window. But I’m still here, thinking about running in the future. Planning on getting through. Which is what matters. The only thing that matters, is getting through each day. 

Which is where Jeff has come into his own. Run Mummy Run is full of Jeffers. The selfies have a few too. I understood the concept, a run/walk strategy. But hadn’t really thought that much about it. Visiting the website I found some nuggets and decided to download the Kindle version of Jeff Galloway’s marathon book. It’s changed everything. 

I’ve read it twice already and I was particularly buoyed by him saying if you pick the book up 3 weeks before a marathon having only run up to 18 miles you’ll be fine. Mainly cause it’s 4 weeks and I’ve not even run 18 miles yet. But today I ran 15. 1 minute run, 1 minute walk. Fuelling as I went on a trail bar, a bag of nuts and one shot blok. It turned out to be the best run I’ve had in ages. Who cares about the time? Why do we all care about time. “I’m slow. I’m fast. Urgh that was awful.” If that’s your bag then fine. But I don’t need to hear about it, as what am I meant to say? Your fast is my slow. My slow is your fast. None of us (well other than maybe Charlotte) are going to win anything. 

I’m getting older by the second. I’m overweight, unhappy and desperate to keep myself running as it’s the only time I feel free from all that weighs me down. And Jeff gets that. Running is about fun. About finishing. But actually if you want to go for a time, well you can do that too. But just don’t forget the core of why we run. So watching Sheila complete Barcelona marathon in a PB and knowing she had Jeffed it swung me to find out more. 

Don’t tell me I’m not really running, or that I shouldn’t be out there if I’m taking 7 hours. As actually 7 hours for 26.2 miles is perfect pace for my 69 miles. Never mind the 120km I’ve got in September. And I just want to feel alive. Free. So that when I stop running I can feel alive. Free. Maybe enough so I can get up in the morning. Go to work. Feel like everything will be okay. And if Jeff helps with that, woohoo. 

We all need a bit of Jeff in our lives, to remember why we do things and what’s important. When I created the Selfies Facebook Group I deliberately used the photo with the phrase “we race together not to beat each other, but to be together” - our shirts say ‘running at the speed of chat’ because we run together and that’s what matters. 

At the moment I run alone. There is no chat. I can’t face being with people, watching them run into the distance. Wait for me. Run off again. Or for me to have to fill the silence when I’m terrified of how I can do that. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t mind any of that. But my circumstances are not normal. So i run alone, to keep myself safe and away from things that may become too much. 

But I’ll finish London, in 6 hours, 7 hours, even if they take all the stands away and I don’t get a medal. I will cross the line in the Mall and finish. And then I’ll dust myself off and get ready for the Wall. Because I’ve spent my life building walls around me, to keep myself safe from judgement and pain. So now I want to run along one and be proud of what I’ve achieved. But most of all have up to 26 hours of silencing the demons in my head. 

Running for Breast Cancer Now

Each step as it comes

I’ve been running. Although to be fair, I suspect a lot of you wouldn’t call what I’m doing running. But it works for me. A new ‘training’ plan, stripped back to just 3 runs a week. Feels like it gives me a chance to line up at London with a solid chance of finishing. But even more so, it will lead me on to June and completing the challenge I’ve always wanted since I started running The Wall - 69 miles. In fact I’ve worked out such a slow pacing schedule I know I can complete that come what may. 

And that’s the point isn’t it. I’m not going to win. Shit, I mostly come last lately. But I finish. I’m in no hurry to get to the end and maybe that makes me not a runner. But I’ve got enough going on without worrying about that too. I’m out there, I’m moving and yes my running pace is currently that of an average walker (trust me, all my fitness app tell me I’ve been for a VERY long walk not a run lately) but it’s me, moving. 

Why are we all in such a hurry anyway? I hit those times a couple of years ago that I’m sure many runners would die for. I don’t expect to hit them again. It’s not the game I’m into. If I’m going to spend £50 or more entering a race or event I may as well get my money’s worth! And if I’m going to train for those races knowing that, then what’s my hurry. Why am I so keen to reach the end, when actually I’d quite like to enjoy the journey. I’m still moving. I’m still doing the distance and I am not walking! 

I’ve given up anything that goes against this ethos - my runs still post to Strava but I’ve turned off notifications, I don’t open the app, add photos, give my jaunts pithy titles. Yes I collect the data from my garmin and actually I still take photos on a run. (No selfies currently) but I don’t want to put myself in the target of those that may not get what I’m doing. 3 hours for a 10 mile run....is probably less speed of chat and more speed of in-depth conversation. But at the moment I’m doing nearly all my running alone. So it isn’t hurting anyone. Race day, I’m sure there’ll be people who won’t understand. But I’ve discovered quite a little crowd of us at the back. We have a lot of fun. We look around, we take it in and we put our hearts out there. I’m not saying others don’t do all that too. But I promise you when the crowds have all gone and they’re packing up the finish - it’s a lonely place to be so we may as well get what we can before that point! 

My new therapist asked me last week “why on earth are you running so far?” - what was I trying to prove? It was a fair question. Some of my races have been very long, but actually not as long as they could be. And this year, I’ve got my longest ever. I didn’t think I was trying to prove anything. Other than that I’m alive. Maybe it is a weird test of endurance, to say - “hey, look I’ve got through life so this shit ain’t ever going to beat me!” But I don’t know, really. I do know I like running far. I hate 5k. I’ve talked about this before. It sucks. Slow, fast, walking. Blah. I’ve discovered I warm up at the 8 mile mark. And cause I don’t care how long it’s taking me, well I can just keep going. Every race I’ve got now has a cut-off that allows for this, those that don’t. Well I may not start. They’ve been my DNS this year so far. Tight times. I’m in no place to push a pace and I don't’ know if I ever will be again. 

Everyone has been kind since my last blog post. I can’t say things have got better. But I am running. Jules spotted actually I’ve gone over 80 miles now this year and maybe by the end of the week I’ll hit 100. I’m sticking to the plan. And I’m being me. A plodder. A walk/runner. A jogger. Whatever. Kick me out of your race cause I’m too slow, that’s fine. But I’ll be found up on the North Downs or the Greensand way pootling along. Cause I can. And cause right now, it’s all I’ve got! 

If you’ve read this and relate and fancy helping me hit my targets, Breast Cancer Now would be really grateful. 

My fundraising page

Time to slow down....

I recently passed my 4 year runaversary. That's 4 years since I started running outside - a terrified 3k around Mote Park at 6.30am so no one would see me! Around 2 stone heavier than I am now but having lost 4 stone since I'd started dieting. What a running journey it's been. I've lost count of the half marathons I've run but I know I'm on 7 marathons and will reach 10 by the end of the year. No question I love to run! It keeps me sane. Keeps me thinner and has led me to people who are now some of my best friends and certainly my favourite people to run with!


Over the past 4 years I've also gathered some personal bests I'm quite proud of. You may not think I'm all that speedy but I've managed to hit some pretty good times. It's rare I've gone out to get a PB - but it has felt good when they've come - thing with trying to beat a time is you really have to start quick. You can't decide part way through (although once on a race Stefhan did manage this!!) as usually by then it's too late. Certainly my 5k parkrun PB I wanted. So too my half marathon - I was determined to come under 2 hours! And Brighton Marathon - well that was all about burying demons. Most of my PBs came when I was training for said marathon. Oh and nearly all are flat flat routes! So here they are - all my personal bests:

5k - 26:00 Maidstone parkrun
5 miles - 44:55 Kent Christmas Cracker
10k - 54:58 Abington
1/2 Marathon - 1:58:36 Headcorn
Marathon - 4:48:24 Brighton

Why am I sharing this now? Well it seems ages since I came close to a PB. All of those times are over a year old. Lately I just don't have it in me to bust a gut for a PB. But actually that's okay. I'm not exactly built for speed. Heck I'm not sure I'm built for running. They were fun to get but my focus and goal has changed. I've discovered that if i slow down I can keep going. For marathons my magic 7m/km keeps me comfortable with room to change if I need to. In London with Danny we ran at 8m/km due to injury and actually that was great too. At the end I felt I could have run on.

So I don't want to chase times any more. What I want is to chase distance. To see just what this body can do and have a new challenge. An ultra challenge. Why not - my favourite run of all time is still my birthday 28 miles last year. This means if I never beat those times again. It's okay. After all I haven't run under 30 minutes at parkrun since, well since I can't remember. Instead I'm going to continue to slow down, take it easy, carry on doing what I do best and see just how far it takes me....

Holding out for a Hero

It's over. Two marathons in two weeks. Fundraising. Training. Job done. End of blog. 
But it's never that simple is it - my blog isn't about race reviews, or trying to entice you into running. Instead I'm trying to give you an insight into how someone who was 18 stone, inactive and had no thoughts of running has reached 7 Marathons. But also what that means emotionally, how it fits into the context of life. And I like to make you laugh (now and then).
It seems fitting I've started writing this whilst Mind Over Marathon is on BBC1 - the inspirational stories of 10 people with mental health issues training for the London Marathon. I live my life knowing what you see in someone isn't always what's going on underneath. You can't tell where someone has been and what's got them there. My personal experience is just that - personal and there's a reason I make sure I smile around every race I do. One day that may too make it into a blog.
Running has changed my life, it gives me a renewed purpose. Freedom. Space to breath. Oh and to eat cake. I love connecting with people through running. Everyone with different goals but respecting those goals and knowing they're all as valid. It also helps you deal with the unexpected. Things never quite go to plan. Paris was super hot, beautiful - well organised, full of fun and one to enjoy. I felt strong and enjoyed every moment from the early stages running with Liz to the later parts dodging walkers and taking selfies.

London though I had a goal. I wanted to help Danny achieve his PB. We would all run together and celebrate in the moment at the end. There was never a moment in my life I imagined standing at the start of the London marathon with a large group of friends. Taking selfies. Laughing. Feeling like it's a regular Sunday run. The sun was shining and it was already feeling like a special day. Somehow in running I've discovered I'm really good at pacing. So that was my role. Keep us at a steady pace. Not going off too fast and finish strong. Oh and have a bloody good laugh whilst we did it.


Well plans sometimes change. And perfect pacing is great until injury strikes and you need to re-evaluate. It would turn into one of those days. The why's and wherefores don't matter. But needless to say Danny is an ultimate hero as nothing would stop him reaching that finish and I just wanted to do it with him. My mind was cast back to Beachy when I struggled so much and Jules stuck with me. Today that's what I wanted to do for Danny! So we ran from physio to physio. Friends to friends supporting. Laughing. Cheering. Waving. A slightly unfortunate run-in with a portaloo in one tunnel (a few drinks may get you that story!) The occasional swear word and at the end a few tears. It was my favourite run ever. It was everything that running is for me. And it was everything that running has given me.

Everyone who runs a marathon is a hero. They aren't easy. Although I've run 7 I'm still amazed it's something I do, something I can do, something I enjoy to do. You have to dig into places that come from years of discovering what your resolve is built on. I've been lucky to date - I've got through fairly unscathed but I've learned to admire and respect those who have to dig just that little bit more as things don't go to plan. So congratulations to everyone that crossed the finish on Sunday - be it London or somewhere else. Let's see what we can do next!


Thank you to everyone that sponsored me for these two runs. I was running for New Family Social - a small charity for whom I'm their only runner. But many LGBT families who foster or adopt will all benefit from your generosity.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

This time it's personal!

Just over three weeks until Paris marathon - under French law you need a medical certificate to run in races. So off I toddled to my GP having paid my £20 I needed a brief exam and his signature and stamp. I was far from worried as this would be my 6th marathon and look I'm not 18 stone any more but the fittest I've ever been in my life! My doctor agreed as my blood pressure was normal, my resting heart rate was low (he said a sign I'm fit). One last check of my lungs and listening to my heart - ended with him saying "oh you have a slight murmur?", "yes that's right, since I was a baby, it's on my records". 

I was born with a heart condition, I remember being tested and treated. Trips to doctors and hospitals, tiredness, being able to sit out of games at school. Ultrasounds when I was a teenager and endless ECGs, blood tests and generally being told it was as regular a murmur you can get and there was little to worry about. Well until 30 years later and I needed a medical certificate signing! As it was my GP signed my certificate but insisted I have some tests just to check nothing had changed. Personally I felt a little that this wasn't necessary but anything to ensure I could not only run Paris but not have to worry about running at all! 

It's funny to be confronted with the real possibility someone may tell you that you shouldn't be running. Of course no one can tell you that you can't run - it could only ever be advisory - but still it would be strong advice and hard to ignore. That said I was pretty clear I would ignore it. Absolutely. What would I do with out running? Get fat again? Take up something else - god I hate swimming! It just doesn't bear thinking about. Besides I've got 21 miles to run before I even think about these tests! 

What a great run it was - a typical Sunday Selfie Runner speed of chat, goat stops, tea stops and cake. I don't mind how long it take me I just enjoy the journey. So over 5 hours of leisurely stop start running. Oh and 36 photos uploaded to Strava - whoops i got over excited !

The good news is I've had my ECG and nope it wasn't normal. But it was normal for me and showed no sign of any major problems so my GP is happy with it. One more scan just to check me out but all seems fine. No one is going to stop me gradually getting slower and slower! Well okay not quite - but no one is going to stop me running. Even better I'm in good condition - as I said as fit as I've ever been. From being a "sickly" child I'm a fit, marathon running adult. I may not ever get any faster. Maybe I'll remember to be careful (it's why I always run with a chest based HRM) and also fill my race bib out on the back! 

It's been an unexpected chance to reflect on where I've come from, where I'm going and how amazing it is I run marathons for fun! Paris and London in two weeks is a challenge I'm excited about - but one I know I can make (after all not my first double marathon challenge) and one I know I'll enjoy. What's not to love about London? Even better I'm running for a charity I care about and am their only runner! Yes that brings pressure as I want to raise as much money as I can but also I know they're happy with whatever I make them and the publicity. 

So just three weeks and I'll have completed marathon number six. It is likely to be my one and only French race as who knows what a future Doctor will decide over my murmur. Which means I'll make the most of it. Soak in every moment. Perhaps take a few selfies? It's the only way I know how to run nowadays but perhaps more than ever this marathon now represents what running has become for me. How much it's changed my life. How much it brings to my life. This time it's very much personal!

Thank you :
A huge thank you to everyone who bought tickets in my raffle and most of all to those who donated prizes. They were all very personal to me - things I love on my runs like Buttercups Goat Sanctuary, Little Fant Farm and things I love running with like Flipbelts, egloves, Energy Snacks and Scimitar shirts. The running community which has meant so much to me Run Mummy Run and UKRunChat and all those wonderful things to do post run - foam roller, drink wine, eat Freddos or Krispy Kremes! And of course peanut butter..... 

Your Pace or Mine?

Get a grip Jo! Seriously what are you doing - it's just a run round the block. Stop having a breakdown. I mean what could it be - shoes, end of day tiredness, fact haven't eaten since lunch, the giant hill you just tried to run up? Or are you genuinely now no longer able to run? 

I mean come on you've got two marathons in 10 weeks time and this time last year you were bashing out times. Clearly you've let yourself go....and look that bloody running group you created is FULL of people who are doing amazing things. Running fast, far and having loads more fun than you. They're confident and happy in their running world when all you want to do is sit in the corner and rock, cry or worse. 

But you have been here before. You've written loads of blogs on the subject and know you can do this. Right? I mean just because you can't run further than 5k without walking doesn't matter. Right? After all who is judging you? Who is here right now telling you this is a disaster? Is anyone waiting to study your Strava time and see if you're trending faster? Nobody. Not one person you know. Oh wait - yes that's you! You are judging yourself. Against everyone and anyone and most especially against yourself....stop it. 

I mean this isn't why you started running is it? This isn't what got you down to SRC, becoming an avid parkrunner and seeking out all those online communities - UKrunchat, Run Mummy Run, BOSH? You wanted to get fit and have fun. You didn't even know what a race was - but you've done loads. And this year is about the longer goal - Paris, London, Dorchester, Beachy with a smile on your face. Every weekend you put a shirt on that says "running at the speed of chat" - it was a badge of pride once. Not something to feel guilty about. 

It's brilliant that we're all different and if your goals are different - if seeking PBs isn't as important as just surviving a run then that's okay. It doesn't make you worse than anyone. It shouldn't make you feel bad. Stop feeling bad! I mean Yoda has a lot to answer for. "Do or do not. There is no try." Well come on that was said to Luke as he didn't believe in himself. But you do. You know what's important. It's okay to try and keep trying. Sometimes you won't make it. But sometimes you will. After all what message do you want beginners to get - what message are we giving to all those new parkrunners or community members - get out and run. No matter what. No matter how fast. How "slow". How far or how short. Enjoy it and if you want to shoot further then do it. But it doesn't have to be everything. All of the time. Only if you want it to be. And never, ever ever feel bad if that's not for you! 

Okay. It's all downhill from here so you can get home. You can do this. You can't post a pithy Strava title that hides the pain that you've been through on this run. You can take a selfie. Smile and think that 10k you've got in a week will be okay. If you walk. So what? Smile. Laugh. Get round. Then get round the next. And the next. And the next. Apparently this will still get you to the finish in Paris and London. Cause in the end you're a happy little jogger - not a professional runner so the smile at the beginning, middle and end is all that really matters! 

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

A right Royal year!

First things first - there was no sub-2 at Royal Parks. Nor was there a personal best. I did beat last years time and completed it in a very pleasing 2:04:16. My second fastest half marathon time in what was my 10th half since I ran my first at Royal Parks last year.

These statistics though (once again) don't sum up what happened today. Royal Parks is an epic event. Running through closed central London streets and through 3 of London's Royal Parks (Hyde, St James and Green) with 16000 other runners. In some places crowds several deep and noise that makes your heart pound and your step quicken.

Last year I arrived to meet with people who were mostly virtual strangers. Now so many of those people have become real friends and here we were a year on. Plus I was bringing with me a giant band of Sunday Selfies as well as the very brave Serena who would run her first ever half marathon! Old friends mixed with new friends and we took selfies. Laughed, cried and at the end celebrated with a few drinks in the pub!

Everyone takes something different from a race. Sometimes it's the time and getting that PB or personal time goal. Sometimes it's just mastering a distance. For me today it was about friendship. Most importantly laying to rest the ghost of Jules and I starting races together and never quite finishing them that way. Often the challenge becomes too great for one of us so we wave farewell to the other (often not far from the end). But today as the sun shone and the paths in the park twisted and turned us with masses of people making it hard to find a pace and rhythm we were certain of one thing. No one was leaving anyone!! So much so that we spent the final 3 miles telling each other "you aren't leaving!!"

So that special moment as we crossed the line hand in hand and with the exact same time was very special indeed. Then to watch Danny and Jim of the Selfies finish. Catch up with friends all over the park and gather to cheer runners home and see Serena storm in without stopping once in her first 13.1 miles just made the day complete.

To be honest I think unlikely I'll run Royal Parks again. The congestion and winding paths make it a brutal race. The spectacle I think is worth experiencing but twice is probably enough for me. I still dream of reaching the mythic sub 2 hour mark. Though today felt hard enough to reach 2:04 so not sure how realistic that is?

But one year on from my first ever half I will feel proud that today I finished my 10th. I've also run two marathons. Two 20 milers. Two 10 milers and several other races of varying shorter distances in this same year. What's more amazing is that I now have friends from all around the UK who share this crazy love of running - as well as putting up with all those bloody selfies! Why do I run? Why has this last two years seen my life become about early mornings, pounding streets and trails and pushing my body and mind to its limits? Well I think the bigger question is why not?

The London Experience

Yes I know it was ages ago and why haven't I written about it before - well things have been busy. London was euphoric (I'll get to that in a minute) but since then, well once I could start walking again, life has kind of taken over. Turns out there is a lot to do when you aren't running, thinking about running, marking off runs on the training plan, talking about running, oh and did I mention running…..

So I'm sure you've all been dying to know "how was London"?  Nope you haven't, or actually you already know as I didn't stop talking about it on Twitter, or Facebook or at parkrun or SRC? Well then best stop the blog here. But how was it really? I mean after the euphoria has died down and I've had a chance to reflect? It was bloody amazing! 

Everything about the London marathon is amazing. Yes, I know it isn't the only marathon and there are plenty of amazing marathons. And yes for some people it won't be for them. But for me, it certainly felt like a once in a lifetime experience. We arrived in London on the Saturday and as our hotel was in St James we were able to pop down and see the finish area being set up, the tingles started then. Sunday morning getting up and walking through the empty streets of London to Charing Cross, dressed in a  borrowed CSI suit, it started to hit home what was happening. Blimey I haven't seen London at that time since my 20s and heading home from clubbing.

I reached Blackheath and there were so many people. We walked through the damp, dreary weather up to the famous start. I had my first catastrophe of the day - desperate for the toilet I entered the start area and rushed to the loo (no queues yet), but I'd missed running into DigDeepDolly. It was gutting. We texted and felt bad omens falling. "Dammit" I decided "this can't be", so against the oncoming traffic I snuck out of the entrance and looked around to find her, I needed that pre-race hug! The good news is we totally found each other and I wasn't hopping up and down doing a wee-wee dance. Our catch up did have to be paused to allow Dolly to do her important volunteer job, which meant painting ladders on the face and legs of a man running with a giant ladder….

Saying goodbye I headed back into the start. I had about an hour to kill before the off. This allowed for multiple toilet trips (the queues though long went fast, no sign of the infamous women's urinals though) and bumping in to a few other people I knew. Soon I was gathering at the very back of the blue start, pen 9 and expecting to wait a good 20 - 30 minutes after the official start time to cross the start. We never heard the 10am start, but after 10 minutes we started to move and to be honest we didn't stop - I was over the start in about 15 minutes and who was at the start screaming at me as I officially started the London Marathon - Dolly! Yep all was going very well so far.

This was it I was running the London Marathon. I'm not going to give you a blow by blow account of the race. You don't need that. I had changed my mindset for London. This one I was going to enjoy. I had a new nutrition routine. SIS gels every 45 minutes and then Cliff Shot Bloks in between. I was going to take everything offered to me (I did - jelly babies, oranges, jelly beans). On my wrist I had written motivational messages - REMEMBER LYDD (how to dig deep), Run Strong, Um Bongo! The aim was to run with head up, looking around, smiling, a steady pace of 7minute / KM at least for the first 13 miles, then see how I felt. It started just as I planned. Well for 2 miles, as then I suddenly thought "I need a wee!". This never happens to me and I'd joined the toilet queue FOUR TIMES at the start! But I decided what the hell, if you gotta go….so I stopped at toilets that didn't seem to have much of a queue. It didn't take long but I knew now that timing was not what this marathon was going to be about.

So I ran, I smiled and I ran. It was great as the early part of the marathon is through parts of London I used to live in - it was wonderful to know where I was. As we approached the heart of Greenwich I heard the first person shouting "Jo, Jo, JO!" in a way that is unmistakably someone you know (don't forget I run with my name on my shirt so lots of people shout "Jo"). It was Nick - our fabulous ultra running North Downs guide! This was to be the first of many people I saw on route. In fact I saw nearly everyone that I knew would be out watching. It was unbelievable, but oh so welcome. Just round the corner from Nick was the Cutty Sark - and yep I decided I would stop for a selfie. It was going to be this kind of day. The crowd loved it and cheered, so you know what? I turned round and took a selfie with them too! And then I started to run….

There were points along the route that I knew would be important - the Cutty Sark, Tower Bridge where all my Maidstone Harrier friends were marshaling and the fact it's Tower Bridge, 14 miles where some of my family were going to be, 19 miles where Run Mummy Run would be, entering the Embankment and seeing Big Ben in front of you and the top of the Mall - the finish line and where Keeley and our friend Serena were going to be in the grandstands.

Oh didn't I mention? Keeley was to have a blast on marathon day too as we were so lucky to get two VIP tickets which gave her a grandstand seat at the finish.

Approaching Tower Bridge was a special moment, I wasn't alone in whipping out my camera but I was alone in the zig-zag route I took across the bridge running from friend to friend for hellos and high fives, oh and a selfie stop with Denise Lewis!

Kicking on I knew it wouldn't be long until my next boost - this marathon thing was going great. Oh and pace - I was spot on. Those 7minute Ks were knocking themselves out a scary regularity. But I wasn't fooled. I knew how great I felt at 13 miles in Brighton and how it all went wrong. Keep going, run strong and take all those jelly babies offered. I was also feeling good as I'd past 3 rhinos and at mile 10 the man running dressed as testicles, so there was no shame to come from today! I was even more surprised when I caught up with Ivonne, my friend running as a Pink Lady apple - i genuinely thought the apple would beat me! But it was hotter than it seemed for us runners and I've no idea how she survived in that apple outfit! (I discovered you can't beat using the showers along the race route to cool down, even on a seemingly cool day)

As I ran along 13 miles I was frantically looking for my sister and nephew and there it was again "Jo, JO, JOOOOOO!!!" This time from across the opposite side of the road, where runners were returning! Yep they'd managed (with the help of a crowd of strangers) to get my attention - it was fabulous, banners and waves and off I ran….now to get to mile 19 and RMR.   Its hard to remember exactly but I think it was on the way to mile 19 that the blue 5 hour pacers caught me. I had been pacing perfectly and I had thought at 13/14 miles I would think about upping my pace if i felt okay. Well I was feeling great and I knew I was still on for 5 hours. When the pacers went by I decided to try and stick with them, after all 5 hours. But blimey they were going a fair pace. Looking at my watch they were at 6:45 pace. It just felt fast. Faster than I wanted to go. So, I let them go. I settled back and thought you know what, you're enjoying this run. You can keep 7m/k going for sure so don't change it. Let them go. This isn't about the time. This is about the experience. So I waved them off in my mind and fixed that smile back on my face.

Now parts of London are hard, the route isn't always glamorous but the crowds never disappear. Other than for the odd under-pass and even then they try and give you music and support. Entering Canary Wharf must feel like such a different experience for those who ran the marathon in the early days, no dank Isle of Dogs now but massive crowds and shiny buildings. But my eyes were peeled for one thing only. I was not going to miss my friends Shelley and Shona and all the RMR gang - especially as for me it was at 19 miles and beyond where it really fell apart at Brighton. These guys were going to see me through! And OH YES - they did. I won't say anything about what it felt like to spot them, see them, hug them. I think the photos just say it all. xxxx

So now, into the dreaded post 20 mile phase, but wait what is this - a quiet residential area and who is standing on the street corner, unexpectedly calling my name - my sister and nephew! Fabulous.
Another photo stop and some big hugs and yep on I ran.  I was still seeing people I knew, Gerry, Ange and the girls; Ed, Glyn and Shona - but I used all the support around me. Running past a gay pub I waved and blew kisses - pointing to the New Family Social rainbow colours on my shirt. Deeply proud I was running for such an amazing LGBT charity and making so much money for them. It made all the difference.

Soon I was heading back down towards Tower Hill and once again I saw my Harrier friends - James, Teresa and Robyn and I stopped for some selfies (well why not). At this point I was still all smiles and
Teresa turned to me and politely said "if you don't mind me saying so, you seem much better than you did at this point in Brighton"  -  oh yes, this was no Brighton and when I passed the 23 mile marker, that moment in Brighton when my wheels fell right off and Jules forged ahead. Well, goodness knows what they thought around me but with a positive fist pump and this time joy in my heart I cried out "Um Bongo!"

Its around Tower Hill that London really comes into it's own as you start to move into the Embankment the crowds grow, the views of the Thames are amazing and Big Ben looms ahead of you. It was amazing. But it was still a marathon. It was still hard, the body is still crying "STOP!" but your mind is saying, "run and smile, run and smile". I learnt at this point something I didn't realise in Brighton. Although my name was still being called it was a lot less than in Brighton at this point. Why? Well the crowd can see who is struggling, in Brighton I needed every cheer, "come on" and "Go Jo". In London it was those around me at this point that needed it more. A clever stats thing has told me that over the last 7.2km in London I passed 744 runners, only 88 passed me. This marathon was not going to break me.

And then I was turning toward Birdcage Walk and the finish was approaching. I started to count down the time till I would see Keeley. We had thought long and hard about the fact I wouldn't see her until the end. But this way I knew I was going to see her. She would be part of my finish. And I was going to finish and finish strong. As you pass under the 385 yards to go sign it is hard not to be overwhelmed. But I was fixed on the first grandstand on the left as I entered the Mall and then there they were!! Oh what a different sight would have beheld her than at Brighton, no hugs this time but smiles and cheers and waves and then on I ran…..to the finish.

35 years ago the first London Marathon men's race was won by Dick Beardsley and Inge Simonsen and as they approached the line they held hands - so for this anniversary year we had been asked to finish hand in hand - if we wanted. As the line approached, I turned to the runner next to me and asked him "do you want to finish hand in hand?" - so we did, triumphantly crossing the line together and he kindly stopped for a selfie just as we finished too! And that was it. I had run the London marathon in 5 hours 4 minutes and 3 seconds.

And do you know what? It was perfect and I'll never run the London Marathon again so thank you to everyone who made it a day I'll never forget.

(If you fancy you can watch more on You Tube of The London Experience)