Lockdown Lowdown

Well, this finds us all in a strange place doesn’t it? Lockdown. The world overwhelmed with a virus that we don’t fully understand, other than it spreads quickly, it kills many and it has resulted in a change to our reality that we probably still don’t fully comprehend. We can try and jump into a new reality or we can stop for a moment and allow ourselves to catch up. I know for one that I need to catch up. My mind is exploding and the reality I had found myself in has been replaced, not necessarily with something worse but with something so different if I don’t stop for a moment, well who knows?

Up to 2 weeks ago things were pretty normal. Back working, in something I was very much enjoying. Running again - including managing a half marathon in under 3 hours with no training. Even involved in parkrun again each weekend. 

And now? Now we’re allowed out for one piece of exercise a day - running, walking or on your bike. No more. At the moment allowed to go for as long as we need, although asked to be sensible and stay close to home. If we abuse it or if things get worse this will be taken away. It’s great people are now exercising regularly. We feel if we don’t take it we’ve somehow missed out and it’s a way of keeping us sane. If we used to swim, or spin then this is all we have. I never used to exercise every day, other than my walk to the station and home again. I had just started to run again regularly but now I’m using my once a day to go out with Keeley, my wife. We’ve all become attached to our one exercise a day, quite rightly as it’s all we have and if you think you’re going to lose something you hold on to what you’ve got. 

And in that is how we keep ourselves together. We need to hold on to what we’ve got. Our humanity. Our compassion. Our kindness. Before all this happened I’d finished reading Rising Strong by Brene Brown. Her focus on vulnerability, shame and daring greatly is just what we need right now. We are face down in the arena and this is where we need to pick ourselves up and face where we are, without falling into traps of nostalgia for a past that’s gone but also through the fundamental belief that everyone around us is doing the best they can. We are far from perfect. Each of us. We may not like everyone around us. How could we? Why should we? But we can believe that even those we think are arseholes are just doing the best they can, with the set of circumstances they’ve been given. 

I’ve made mistakes this week. I’ve been judgemental. Misunderstood. Angry. Sad. Falling into the rabbit warren of social media - like White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland “I’m late, I’m late” - late to understanding what matters, what’s important and what we need to hold on to. But I’m here now. I’m settling into to a new routine, making sure I give myself time and do what I need within the boundaries we’ve been set. And I know people think those boundaries don’t go far enough and I think likely they’ll get tighter, but we cannot judge others for following the new rules. We need to look at ourselves and our own behaviour. Trust others to look at theirs. Mud slinging. Personal politics. This isn’t the time for that. 

We can get through this, today on our walk we stood 2 metres way from Sally and had a lovely chat. We talked about trauma, the need to reflect, feel, and not close down or just move on - this is about processing. If we do that and support those around us through they’re own steps we can get through. If we judge and question and spend the next 6 weeks on social media, well we will get through but we’ll go insane.

 In the same way I’ve given up strava and comparing myself to people when I run, this is a time to stick to our own swim-lane. We can support the other swimmers in the pool, cheer when they finish and offer them encouragement but we don’t need to compare. We just need to be. That’s what will get us through, let’s just be....

Here Comes Jeff....

London is now 24 days away. The Wall is 71 days away. Training plans have been and gone. Planned times. Expectations all out of the window. But I’m still here, thinking about running in the future. Planning on getting through. Which is what matters. The only thing that matters, is getting through each day. 

Which is where Jeff has come into his own. Run Mummy Run is full of Jeffers. The selfies have a few too. I understood the concept, a run/walk strategy. But hadn’t really thought that much about it. Visiting the website I found some nuggets and decided to download the Kindle version of Jeff Galloway’s marathon book. It’s changed everything. 

I’ve read it twice already and I was particularly buoyed by him saying if you pick the book up 3 weeks before a marathon having only run up to 18 miles you’ll be fine. Mainly cause it’s 4 weeks and I’ve not even run 18 miles yet. But today I ran 15. 1 minute run, 1 minute walk. Fuelling as I went on a trail bar, a bag of nuts and one shot blok. It turned out to be the best run I’ve had in ages. Who cares about the time? Why do we all care about time. “I’m slow. I’m fast. Urgh that was awful.” If that’s your bag then fine. But I don’t need to hear about it, as what am I meant to say? Your fast is my slow. My slow is your fast. None of us (well other than maybe Charlotte) are going to win anything. 

I’m getting older by the second. I’m overweight, unhappy and desperate to keep myself running as it’s the only time I feel free from all that weighs me down. And Jeff gets that. Running is about fun. About finishing. But actually if you want to go for a time, well you can do that too. But just don’t forget the core of why we run. So watching Sheila complete Barcelona marathon in a PB and knowing she had Jeffed it swung me to find out more. 

Don’t tell me I’m not really running, or that I shouldn’t be out there if I’m taking 7 hours. As actually 7 hours for 26.2 miles is perfect pace for my 69 miles. Never mind the 120km I’ve got in September. And I just want to feel alive. Free. So that when I stop running I can feel alive. Free. Maybe enough so I can get up in the morning. Go to work. Feel like everything will be okay. And if Jeff helps with that, woohoo. 

We all need a bit of Jeff in our lives, to remember why we do things and what’s important. When I created the Selfies Facebook Group I deliberately used the photo with the phrase “we race together not to beat each other, but to be together” - our shirts say ‘running at the speed of chat’ because we run together and that’s what matters. 

At the moment I run alone. There is no chat. I can’t face being with people, watching them run into the distance. Wait for me. Run off again. Or for me to have to fill the silence when I’m terrified of how I can do that. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t mind any of that. But my circumstances are not normal. So i run alone, to keep myself safe and away from things that may become too much. 

But I’ll finish London, in 6 hours, 7 hours, even if they take all the stands away and I don’t get a medal. I will cross the line in the Mall and finish. And then I’ll dust myself off and get ready for the Wall. Because I’ve spent my life building walls around me, to keep myself safe from judgement and pain. So now I want to run along one and be proud of what I’ve achieved. But most of all have up to 26 hours of silencing the demons in my head. 

Running for Breast Cancer Now

Cracked....not broken

Wow, only 3 blog posts last year and clearly my race to the tower not only impacted my running but my ability to share my inane words with you as nothing since June?!

As any of you will know from social media, I’m still alive and I didn’t stop running totally after RTTT.  I had Salisbury Marathon in August (which nearly did kill me) and then Loch Ness in September.  I gave myself 4 weeks after the disaster of Salisbury to get fit for Loch Ness. It totally worked, don’t believe anyone who says you can’t marathon train in 4 weeks! Went from a 7hr 17 marathon to 5 hr 41....and then followed that up with a glorious Royal Parks Half in 2hr 40. 

Since then, meh - the odd parkrun, the occasional selfie run - nothing further than 10 miles and a DNS for the end of year 10 miler race. Also a change in plans - with so little running the thought of doing the Pilgrims Challenge at the start of Feb was too much pressure. Back to back 32 miles is not the kind of 4 week training plan I think would work. Instead I’m now in the Druids Challenge for November. 

All my races this year are to raise money for Breast Cancer Now, back in July last year I applied to them for a London Marathon Place as I knew - even if I got in the ballot I wanted to raise funds for them. My eldest sister has completed her fight against breast cancer and won, it’s been a really hard fought few years for her and the family. If I can do something, anything to make that easier for others then why not.  People have been so generous in their donations and I can’t thank you all enough. 

 

Jo’s Fundraising

What does 2019 hold then....I’m not normally one for posting about races but why not hey?

Lenham Cross Marathon is in Feb, apparently more than a marathon and along some of our favourite North Downs routes, lots of steps and great practice for what’s to come! 

My usual Ashford 10k in Feb too, just because and a new one for me Dartford Half with my friend Akua. 

Then come the biggies, after a few smallies - Kent Spring Half, because it’s a wonderful race (you can win a place in my raffle still!). Folkestone 10 is looking likely, again an old favourite which I missed last year due to drunken behaviour with Nat and Emma.

The London Marathon - obviously as I’m running for BCN! But it’s still very much a training run for me as is Bewl Ultra in May - 3 times around Bewl Water, which I hope i beat the cut off for. 

This should all set me up very nicely for my dream race, finally I’m running The Wall. 69 miles with 27 hours to do it. Whilst Keeley drives around in the car with an inflatable mattress....Carlisle to Newcastle along the rough route of Hadrian’s Wall. As a child I always said I’d walk the Great Wall of China and practice by doing Hadrian’s Wall, so this is a first step on that goal. 

But you see, that didn’t feel enough for me this year. So I was a little rash and signed up for Salisbury 54321 Ultra. After all I’ve now done all their other distances. But again this is still a training/recovery run. As in September I’ll be flying off to Fuerteventura with my sister (she deserves to celebrate too) to take part in the Half MDS. 120km over 4 days. Carrying all the kit you need. I’m sure it will be fine....

Oh but wait, no I’m not resting there. Royal Parks Half (again as part of Team Now) and then for me and the wife, well we’re going to walk Beachy Head Marathon. Her first go at that distance. My 3rd Beachy. Then of course I’ve got my newly rescheduled Druids Challenge 84 miles over 3 days. Then I think a lie down as it will be nearly Christmas again!!

 

I always knew this year would be my big year of running, I’m starting it overweight (heavier than I’ve been in 6 years and I’ve never been this heavy and running). I’m still a little on the fragile side mentally. But with so much to keep me busy this year and all this support around me I know I’m not broken. Just cracked a little and ready to take on these challenges, raise as much money as I can for Breast Cancer Now. And hopefully keep you all up to date with my adventures....that’s if you want me to! 

Jo’s Fundraising 

From acorns grow....

....a couch to 50 miles plan? 

Safe to say I’ve fallen out of running, I knew it was happening but it still felt a surprise just how much I haven’t felt like running. Those who know me will know how much I hate the term running mojo, especially as this has nothing to do with mojo. I haven’t lost my mojo. I’m not sure I even had any mojo to start. But I have stopped enjoying running, or feeling motivated to run. That said I haven’t let it worry me. I’ve had enough to worry about. 

It’s amazing how people who are apparently “inspirations” to others can fail to inspire themselves. Even doing the simplest of things like a parkrun has been beyond me. Unless I was safely protected by the blue and white of the Run Director vest. Running sucks has become my new mantra. I even bought my wife a medal hanger for Christmas with those words emblazoned across it. But running doesn’t suck does it? I wouldn’t have run 9 marathons, an ultra and hundreds of training runs if it sucks? I mean that would be a complete waste of all our times and you reading this blog....wouldn’t it?

So I let the running slip without worrying. In December I had my first ever DNS - which was sad as it was the anniversary of my first ever race, just 5 miles but I decided to help at Park Wood junior parkrun instead (after the advice of quite a few others!)

 

Then I had my second, when I knew there was just no way I could run 10 miles on New Years Eve....not least because I was on the second weekend of a triple whammy of RD at Maidstone parkrun and supporting my wife be ED at juniors! 

But I knew we had a new year just around the corner and more than that, I had already started making plans for this new year. My 10th marathon is to be a foreign affair - travelling to Cyprus for the Limassol marathon. My second ultra is to be in June, where I shall attempt to Race to the Tower without stopping - just 50 miles (see above reference to a couch to 50 mile plan!) and then an adventure to Scotland with my running buddy Jules, for the Loch Ness Marathon in September. These things will require me to run....so I gather! 

Which means I’ve had to run. I’ve had to start again. Your fitness isn’t lost completely but your VO2 max does drop after 2 weeks of not running. My last run was the Ashford 666 (a great race by the way as how many races do you have to climb a hill using a rope?) and it was tough, mainly as it fell amongst my extended period of not running. After I completed Beachy Head marathon I had only run 50km (including the 666) until the end of 2017. That used to be nearly my weekly amount!

I’m not stupid, I know I’m starting almost from scratch - which meant I’m being kind to myself, re evaluating my training plan. Starting with a 3k route which was the identical route to the first one I ever ran outside. That time it took me over 40 minutes to complete so I should be happy with the 26 minutes I managed on Thursday. Today I went further, I ran just over 5 miles. My lungs have been burning, my legs - actually not too bad. I’m run/walking and I know I’ll go out for another run, and another, and another. 

Yet it’s different, I don’t feel under pressure. I haven’t wanted to run alone or with people for months. But I did a few runs in that quiet period with the selfies and it wasn’t so bad. I’m pretty sure they’ll still be waiting for me when I get back! For this January I’m going to run alone. Then I’ll reach out for someone to run with. Or walk with. Or run/walk with. Or I won’t. I’ll take stock and see how I’m feeling, where I am. 

I’ve changed a lot in these past few months. Not just because I haven’t been running, but because I’ve been learning about what I need to live my life. To be freer, fuller - overthrowing the tyranny of the shoulds and being myself. It’s fun - you should try it! 

Time to be me....

It’s time to confess I’m a fraud - the person you all think you see, the things you think I do - they aren’t the reality of me, who I am, how I live. What I think and feel inside is very different to the person you see in hundreds and thousands of selfies. I’m not a big one for sharing the real me, the truth behind the facade, it’s taken years of practice to hide the real me, only letting out snippets and for a long time this has felt the best way to be. A safe place to hide. But lately i can’t hide it any more. Lately things haven’t gone so well. Lately I’ve felt a call to finally be me.

Since I was 12 years old I’ve experienced depression, not all the time and at varying degrees of severity. Sometimes it has taken me to the very edge of life itself and I’ve worked hard in many different ways to try and come through it. Find ways to cope with it. Find ways to live my life to the best it can be. Happiness is something we’re all taught to seek out at all costs. But recently I’ve begun to understand we can’t be happy all of the time. The phrase “it’s okay not be okay” has to be embraced. It doesn’t mean trying to force yourself out of that position. It means learning to live with all the emotions life throws at you.

(Illustration Sow Ay - see more https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/)
I’m starting my journey again. Learning new skills. New ways of being. It’s not easy and I’m not comfortable with it. But I’m trying. On the most recent downward spiral the first thing that fell away was running. I completed my first every ultra - Race to the Stones - 100km over two days with my running family Danny and Jules. We smashed it. Went through the pain. The agony. The mental challenges - but finished running, smiling and with a few tears. We made new friends on route and shared experiences that will stay with us forever. Without doubt the highlight of my running journey so far.

But afterwards I was tired. Physically and mentally. We put so much in, it isn’t surprising it took so much out. Stupidly I’d entered a marathon just 4 weeks later and as the day approached I knew I couldn’t do it. The pressure of that feeling, the painful realisation that actually everything wasn’t okay - combined with the pressures of life outside of running started to cause my carefully constructed world to unravel. Downgrading from the marathon to the half seemed a simple step, not as simple as going to my GP to ask for help. Not as simple as confessing to my wife and my best friend that I wasn’t coping anymore. But the two things collided and following the weekend of Salisbury Half Marathon I didn’t run a step for a month.

When I returned to running - a short 3km around Mote Park, I found my legs were rested and felt strong. My lungs didn’t feel quite the same and my mind was still playing tricks on me. Since then I’ve tried some longer runs with friends and without. I’ve managed a 5k run around Mote Park without stopping and this weekend I’m going to return to Maidstone parkrun for the first time as a runner in 2 months. When I can’t cope with life around me the first thing I do is withdraw. If I can’t withdraw then I fix that smile to my face and become the best actor in the world. Talking about other people is far easier than talking about yourself. No one ever looks past the response of ‘I’m fine’ to the question of ‘how are you?’.
Why though am I suddenly sharing the truth? Tonight I went to an event organised by the Kent Sports Trust about how sport changes lives. So many inspirational speakers, sharing their journeys. Reminding us all we have a journey and chance to inspire others. People often tell me I’m an inspiration. I did go from over 18 stone to where I am now - I run marathons, I take selfies, I like to encourage others to run and enjoy themselves. Not for times or glory but for fun and friendship. But I do it all the time knowing I’m hiding the truth about myself. I don’t feel inspirational, I don’t feel like I’m deserving of any praise. By helping others I’m actually doing my best to try and hide anyone from looking deep enough to see me.
My absolute hero is Dame Kelly Holmes. When you hear her speak so openly about her demons, her past struggle with depression, with self-harm, the journey she took. It resonates so deeply inside of me. I’m no Olympian but that feeling of isolation, of despair, of self-loathing is one I recognise and relate to. The fact she can talk so openly about it is something I’ve aspired to and felt too afraid to do. What if alarm bells ring so loudly....will the risks be worth the results? I’m about to find out!

I want to encourage others to run. To look after themselves. To find that space in life that running gives me. My mind disappears into nothingness. Only when I run do the voices in my head stop talking. The questions about work, about money, about when to tidy the house, who’s done the laundry, have we enough volunteers for parkrun, what’s happening on Facebook.....running is my solace. It took me from someone losing weight, to someone who’s lost weight. To someone who can achieve a 5k, a 10k, a half marathon, a marathon, an ultra. Someone who can find freedom in that space and who also found friendship. People I could start to open up with - as frankly if I can poo myself mid-run with you then I can tell you I cry myself to sleep at night.
At the moment I want to try and keep running, I’ve got Royal Parks Half shortly, then Beachy Head marathon - then who knows what around the corner. But I know it isn’t easy. People say the hardest step is that first step out the door. It can be. But actually they can all be hard. They can all feel impossible. Even when you finish it doesn’t have to be this great cathartic, spiritual experience. Running sometimes does suck! But that ability to keep trying. To keep going. To find friends who will go with you. Who will walk when you want to walk. Wait when you’re lagging behind. Realise you need to stop to take a selfie as otherwise you’ll die any moment. Those people who won’t ask you how fast you ran, or judge you because you can’t stick to a training plan.

But also to find those who are experienced runners. Who have that ability to crash through the self-imposed barriers. Who break their PBs, win those races, strive to be better, faster, fitter. But still - some days just turn up and run for fun, alongside you and your slightly podgy, sweaty, struggling body. That’s what makes it worthwhile. That’s what tells you - actually it could all be okay, because yes it IS okay not be okay, in running and in life.

Time to slow down....

I recently passed my 4 year runaversary. That's 4 years since I started running outside - a terrified 3k around Mote Park at 6.30am so no one would see me! Around 2 stone heavier than I am now but having lost 4 stone since I'd started dieting. What a running journey it's been. I've lost count of the half marathons I've run but I know I'm on 7 marathons and will reach 10 by the end of the year. No question I love to run! It keeps me sane. Keeps me thinner and has led me to people who are now some of my best friends and certainly my favourite people to run with!


Over the past 4 years I've also gathered some personal bests I'm quite proud of. You may not think I'm all that speedy but I've managed to hit some pretty good times. It's rare I've gone out to get a PB - but it has felt good when they've come - thing with trying to beat a time is you really have to start quick. You can't decide part way through (although once on a race Stefhan did manage this!!) as usually by then it's too late. Certainly my 5k parkrun PB I wanted. So too my half marathon - I was determined to come under 2 hours! And Brighton Marathon - well that was all about burying demons. Most of my PBs came when I was training for said marathon. Oh and nearly all are flat flat routes! So here they are - all my personal bests:

5k - 26:00 Maidstone parkrun
5 miles - 44:55 Kent Christmas Cracker
10k - 54:58 Abington
1/2 Marathon - 1:58:36 Headcorn
Marathon - 4:48:24 Brighton

Why am I sharing this now? Well it seems ages since I came close to a PB. All of those times are over a year old. Lately I just don't have it in me to bust a gut for a PB. But actually that's okay. I'm not exactly built for speed. Heck I'm not sure I'm built for running. They were fun to get but my focus and goal has changed. I've discovered that if i slow down I can keep going. For marathons my magic 7m/km keeps me comfortable with room to change if I need to. In London with Danny we ran at 8m/km due to injury and actually that was great too. At the end I felt I could have run on.

So I don't want to chase times any more. What I want is to chase distance. To see just what this body can do and have a new challenge. An ultra challenge. Why not - my favourite run of all time is still my birthday 28 miles last year. This means if I never beat those times again. It's okay. After all I haven't run under 30 minutes at parkrun since, well since I can't remember. Instead I'm going to continue to slow down, take it easy, carry on doing what I do best and see just how far it takes me....

Holding out for a Hero

It's over. Two marathons in two weeks. Fundraising. Training. Job done. End of blog. 
But it's never that simple is it - my blog isn't about race reviews, or trying to entice you into running. Instead I'm trying to give you an insight into how someone who was 18 stone, inactive and had no thoughts of running has reached 7 Marathons. But also what that means emotionally, how it fits into the context of life. And I like to make you laugh (now and then).
It seems fitting I've started writing this whilst Mind Over Marathon is on BBC1 - the inspirational stories of 10 people with mental health issues training for the London Marathon. I live my life knowing what you see in someone isn't always what's going on underneath. You can't tell where someone has been and what's got them there. My personal experience is just that - personal and there's a reason I make sure I smile around every race I do. One day that may too make it into a blog.
Running has changed my life, it gives me a renewed purpose. Freedom. Space to breath. Oh and to eat cake. I love connecting with people through running. Everyone with different goals but respecting those goals and knowing they're all as valid. It also helps you deal with the unexpected. Things never quite go to plan. Paris was super hot, beautiful - well organised, full of fun and one to enjoy. I felt strong and enjoyed every moment from the early stages running with Liz to the later parts dodging walkers and taking selfies.

London though I had a goal. I wanted to help Danny achieve his PB. We would all run together and celebrate in the moment at the end. There was never a moment in my life I imagined standing at the start of the London marathon with a large group of friends. Taking selfies. Laughing. Feeling like it's a regular Sunday run. The sun was shining and it was already feeling like a special day. Somehow in running I've discovered I'm really good at pacing. So that was my role. Keep us at a steady pace. Not going off too fast and finish strong. Oh and have a bloody good laugh whilst we did it.


Well plans sometimes change. And perfect pacing is great until injury strikes and you need to re-evaluate. It would turn into one of those days. The why's and wherefores don't matter. But needless to say Danny is an ultimate hero as nothing would stop him reaching that finish and I just wanted to do it with him. My mind was cast back to Beachy when I struggled so much and Jules stuck with me. Today that's what I wanted to do for Danny! So we ran from physio to physio. Friends to friends supporting. Laughing. Cheering. Waving. A slightly unfortunate run-in with a portaloo in one tunnel (a few drinks may get you that story!) The occasional swear word and at the end a few tears. It was my favourite run ever. It was everything that running is for me. And it was everything that running has given me.

Everyone who runs a marathon is a hero. They aren't easy. Although I've run 7 I'm still amazed it's something I do, something I can do, something I enjoy to do. You have to dig into places that come from years of discovering what your resolve is built on. I've been lucky to date - I've got through fairly unscathed but I've learned to admire and respect those who have to dig just that little bit more as things don't go to plan. So congratulations to everyone that crossed the finish on Sunday - be it London or somewhere else. Let's see what we can do next!


Thank you to everyone that sponsored me for these two runs. I was running for New Family Social - a small charity for whom I'm their only runner. But many LGBT families who foster or adopt will all benefit from your generosity.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

This time it's personal!

Just over three weeks until Paris marathon - under French law you need a medical certificate to run in races. So off I toddled to my GP having paid my £20 I needed a brief exam and his signature and stamp. I was far from worried as this would be my 6th marathon and look I'm not 18 stone any more but the fittest I've ever been in my life! My doctor agreed as my blood pressure was normal, my resting heart rate was low (he said a sign I'm fit). One last check of my lungs and listening to my heart - ended with him saying "oh you have a slight murmur?", "yes that's right, since I was a baby, it's on my records". 

I was born with a heart condition, I remember being tested and treated. Trips to doctors and hospitals, tiredness, being able to sit out of games at school. Ultrasounds when I was a teenager and endless ECGs, blood tests and generally being told it was as regular a murmur you can get and there was little to worry about. Well until 30 years later and I needed a medical certificate signing! As it was my GP signed my certificate but insisted I have some tests just to check nothing had changed. Personally I felt a little that this wasn't necessary but anything to ensure I could not only run Paris but not have to worry about running at all! 

It's funny to be confronted with the real possibility someone may tell you that you shouldn't be running. Of course no one can tell you that you can't run - it could only ever be advisory - but still it would be strong advice and hard to ignore. That said I was pretty clear I would ignore it. Absolutely. What would I do with out running? Get fat again? Take up something else - god I hate swimming! It just doesn't bear thinking about. Besides I've got 21 miles to run before I even think about these tests! 

What a great run it was - a typical Sunday Selfie Runner speed of chat, goat stops, tea stops and cake. I don't mind how long it take me I just enjoy the journey. So over 5 hours of leisurely stop start running. Oh and 36 photos uploaded to Strava - whoops i got over excited !

The good news is I've had my ECG and nope it wasn't normal. But it was normal for me and showed no sign of any major problems so my GP is happy with it. One more scan just to check me out but all seems fine. No one is going to stop me gradually getting slower and slower! Well okay not quite - but no one is going to stop me running. Even better I'm in good condition - as I said as fit as I've ever been. From being a "sickly" child I'm a fit, marathon running adult. I may not ever get any faster. Maybe I'll remember to be careful (it's why I always run with a chest based HRM) and also fill my race bib out on the back! 

It's been an unexpected chance to reflect on where I've come from, where I'm going and how amazing it is I run marathons for fun! Paris and London in two weeks is a challenge I'm excited about - but one I know I can make (after all not my first double marathon challenge) and one I know I'll enjoy. What's not to love about London? Even better I'm running for a charity I care about and am their only runner! Yes that brings pressure as I want to raise as much money as I can but also I know they're happy with whatever I make them and the publicity. 

So just three weeks and I'll have completed marathon number six. It is likely to be my one and only French race as who knows what a future Doctor will decide over my murmur. Which means I'll make the most of it. Soak in every moment. Perhaps take a few selfies? It's the only way I know how to run nowadays but perhaps more than ever this marathon now represents what running has become for me. How much it's changed my life. How much it brings to my life. This time it's very much personal!

Thank you :
A huge thank you to everyone who bought tickets in my raffle and most of all to those who donated prizes. They were all very personal to me - things I love on my runs like Buttercups Goat Sanctuary, Little Fant Farm and things I love running with like Flipbelts, egloves, Energy Snacks and Scimitar shirts. The running community which has meant so much to me Run Mummy Run and UKRunChat and all those wonderful things to do post run - foam roller, drink wine, eat Freddos or Krispy Kremes! And of course peanut butter..... 

Rising to the challenge!

Whoops - seems I've let a bit of time go past since my last post. But funnily enough I'm still hanging out with Dames! Last weekend I completed my 100th parkrun and was lucky enough for Kelly Holmes to join the 400 runners at Maidstone. Taking selfies, high fiving runners and generally being the inspiration she is to everyone. It was amazing. Thank you to Kelly for helping make my 100th run even more special. The parkrun movement has given me so much. Not least a growing group of friends and the opportunity to give something back to the Maidstone community I live in. Whether it's running or volunteering I couldn't imagine Saturday mornings without parkrun - what's wonderful is to see my family and non-running friends get involved too. At Maidstone we are fortunate to have the full support of all Councils in holding our event, they've recognised the amazing breadth of community involvement in parkrun - young and old, helping people achieve goals small and large and, like for me, providing an opportunity to give back.

Of course we could run without the trappings of parkrun. We could turn up and run as a group of friends. But by running under the parkrun banner we join a global collective. A movement that says "you're welcome here" - no judgement, no pressure but look if you run with us we'll time you AND give you incentive to turn up each week. Including a free t shirt if you hit a milestone. Reaching 100 runs meant so much to me - as Adam said on Twitter one hundred times of not forgetting my barcode! 

My 100th parkrun came just 6 weeks after completing Brighton marathon. Sadly I think I've missed the inspiration to go into much detail about what happened in Brighton. Suffice to say I achieved all my goals but was nearly scuppered by a hideous cold. The weekend was once again wonderful and those demons from last year buried. I ran with a smile and a song - using the Nolans to help me get through the dead zone by the power station. (Don't even ask - but seems I know all the words to I'm in the Mood for Dancing).  Stopping for a selfie (to the bemusement of St Johns Ambulance) and knowing I was NEVER coming back there! At least not for a long long time. Seems singing really works for me as my last 10k I felt strong and began to overtake people. Picking them off and picking up pace. With a cry of Um Bongo at mile 23 I dug in for home and smashed my PB finishing in 4:48:24. Even better Megan was there to hand me my medal and I was able to enjoy the beach and a post run champagne without the same pain and fear of another marathon due in two weeks! 

My Berlin plan appeared on the fridge as soon as I could draft it. Trying to head off that post marathon slump. But it still came. For what felt like forever I ran only 5ks and they felt like miles and miles. Our first long runs even with the joy of our new found hamper stop were tough and painful. Why can you run a marathon but then feel like you're starting again from scratch? Perhaps the challenge of Berlin wasn't enough? Perhaps I needed to think about why I run and what it gives me? 

So I hatched a secret plan for my birthday. How to enjoy it even though I was going to be on my own. How to take my mind off lots of life's stresses that are constantly swirling around. After a gentle 14 mile run by myself I knew I could design a birthday route which would take in all I wanted. A route from home - up to the North Downs Way, a stop for lunch and then the Greensand Way before turning for home. Perfect. When I woke up on my birthday to find the weather forecasters were right and we had torrential rain, high winds and generally the worst running weather I'd ever seen - I was truly distraught. My plans were ruined. It was hard to do anything other than sit crying, feeling very sorry for myself. Not even wanting to open cards or presents. On my own and now with nothing to do. Possibly worst birthday ever coming up. But the forecasters weren't totally right. As at 10am the rain broke, the mist lifted and I took the decision to run. By 10.30 I was on my way and by 11am I'd reached Ed's Hill and it was time to climb up to the Downs. I had a new running pack on and I had lots of supplies, including pork pies and mini-scotch eggs for my half way lunch. Halfway wouldn't come until 14 miles. Yep my secret route was a planned 28 miles. Only Keeley and a last minute confession to Jules knew my plan and they both tracked my progress and sent messages of support throughout. 

It was wonderful! Simply beautiful trails, with mud and puddles and fallen trees. I fuelled well. Stopped for a picnic. Got lost a couple of times. But kept going. Mile after mile. Step after step. Over styles. Up stairs. Along overgrown paths. Eventually some rain fell but only as I passed the magic 26.2 miles. I had run marathon distance. So every step from now was something new and took me into ultra territory. I ended on 45.5km - over 28 miles. What a birthday - and I could still walk. Plenty of lessons too (for next time!) and the added bonus of a massive confidence boost. Yes I have a plan for Berlin but now I also know I can run and run. 

Oh and I can also run with a squirrel tale! Did I forget to mention at my 100th run I used my bushy Royal Parks tale - as yep I'm doing the Royal Parks Half in October again but this time as the bodyguard for Chester the Team Squirrel mascot. The good news is that Chester is James and my other bodyguard buddy is Ben. If you're going look out for us both or if you're in Team Squirrel maybe we'll see you at a practice run? Plenty more blogs to share on this I'm sure! 

http://m.virginmoneygiving.com/mt/uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=ChesterTheSquirrel&un_jtt_redirect

I do it my way!

Sometimes it's easy to forget I haven't really been running very long - it will be 3 years this summer. In that time I'm on to what is only my 4th formal training plan (stuck to the fridge) but what makes this one so different is I've been determined to learn from past mistakes. So far, so good it seems with Brighton marathon looming just 2 months away. I've been clear all along what my goal is for Brighton this year - get round enjoying every step. No time pressure. No going to beat last years time. No seeing how I feel on the day. This will be the last time I run Brighton marathon and I want to bury the demons I found in myself last year. I want to finish running and smiling.

Which means back to those lessons from last year:

1. Don't over train

2. Rest is important 

3. Run for fun 

The impact of these lessons has made a huge difference to my training and running since this plan started in earnest this year. Lesson one - it's all about thinking carefully how far I need to run to be marathon ready and the pace I'm running at. With back to back marathons last year I thought it important to run two 20 mile races. Plus I had no idea what running 26.2 would be like. This year I'm lucky. I know what it's like and I know I've managed it twice. So now it's about making the training count. Building up to one 20 mile long run and giving myself a decent taper so I'm fit but not tired. The Selfie Sundays are a fabulous motivator and last year training and running together is what got me to the start line at Brighton. But it's also what made me struggle to the finish. Pace is everything in marathon running and training. It doesn't matter what you read they all say the same thing - do your long runs 10% (or more) off planned race pace. If you analyse most of my LSRs last year they were all on or faster than my actual race pace on the day. Significantly so - which means none of them were slower!

Add to that lesson two and I look back and think I was tired at Brighton. Yes there were other things I should and could have done differently. But I didn't give myself a good start. So now I'm taking the time to cut back on long runs. Rest during the week. Use a recovery run as a recovery run. Maximise other training sessions such as hills. Oh and book in regular sports massages. I've pretty much given up on my foam roller (she is like a woman scorned) and don't tell anyone but I've never really been one for stretching. I've tried to stick to it and used apps recommended but ultimately. I run. I stretch a little. But I read if in the end stretching doesn't work for you don't worry, as there is equal evidence that says it does you harm or good!
 

Then there are the Seflies - the most amazing, wonderful group of runners and friends I could wish for. I've been so lucky that with them I can combine all my lessons. But this year I've had to make some changes and become more selfish. Particularly on the pace issue - I want slow steady Sunday runs. To help this we've all been able to find our niche and gravitate towards those who want the same things. Which means the Selfies have split into different time slots and groups - which is what has made the group work so well over all this time. It's not a running club. It's simply a place folk can find friends to run with - oh and ideally take a few selfies and have a few laughs along the way. 

Which is of course lesson three - running is my hobby. It keeps me fit. Makes me feel good. Gets me out of the house so the wife can watch Netflix. Even races are part of this - we line up at the start and take selfies. Sometimes we take selfies on route. But I always run with a smile and a jazz hand not far away. Enjoying it is paramount for me. Of course I get enjoyment from a great run - this year the lessons from last year have paid dividends. During a two week cut back period I ran a pleasing 56 minute 10k chatting with Jules all the way round and then last week, knowing I was feeling good, I went for my half marathon personal best. I got it - by nearly 5 minutes and finally broke 2 hours finishing in 1:58:36. 

I even seem to have got my eating under control - shedding a stone since Christmas and hopefully lining up for Brighton trim, rested and happy. Which doesn't mean I'll forget my goal and go for it. I won't. But that doesn't mean I won't have a different goal for Berlin in September. After all if I've learnt all the lessons from last year there should be a few more to stand me in good stead! 

Finding my goal

There are three things about me 1. I'm insanely competitive 2. I'm sometimes arrogant and 3. I lack self-confidence. Now at least one of those things may surprise you. Indeed maybe all of them will surprise you and just perhaps you may disagree with my self-assessment. But hey it's my blog! So what have all these things got to do with running? I will of course explain....

It's hard to believe that it's only been just over one year since I ran my first half marathon at Royal Parks and of course after that I entered a bit of a wasteland. Apparently very common when you train for a race. It was the first time I'd had a plan. That I'd set myself a goal and that I'd worked my socks off to achieve the best I could. The same happened after Brighton and London (aided by some intense tiredness) and I've sort of been floating around races and relaxing since then. 

But you'll all be glad to know that a plan is back on the fridge and I'm week 3 in to training for Brighton next year. It's going well and I'm just trying to keep a consistent 13 miles up to Christmas. I want to learn all the lessons from the marathons this year. (I nearly said last year as there is clearly this weird time warp in running that relates to pre and post VLM which changes the year you're in!) So I don't want to over train. To get tired and turn up at Brighton and implode again. But is that enough? Is my goal to turn up and run where I should be aiming? After all I've run Brighton before and have a PB of 4:53:32. And this is where those 3 things about me come in. 

1. I'm insanely competitive. Well at least I used to be. But as I've got older I've learnt actually it doesn't matter. Or does it? And that's the problem. Once a competitor always a competitor and it bubbles around the surface but I squish it like the hideous pus filled spot it is! I don't want to chase times and to be obsessed with beating my PBs. It's hard enough at parkrun knowing I'm nowhere near my PB let alone all races being about that. I'm getting older and it doesn't seem to get any easier. But but but.....

2. I'm sometimes arrogant - yes I know hard to believe but it's true. So of course I believe that actually I should and could beat all my PBs and I should be able to keep up with those younger and fitter than me. And I get insanely jealous and depressed when I can't - so number 1 just gets fed again and again and again. 

3. I lack self-confidence - look I used to be 18 stone, that's not the sign of someone brimming with self-confidence or self-esteem! So when I can't keep up or I find myself at the back or I worry if our Sunday runs are full of the speed demons and no one else then inside I implode. All those memories of being put in left field, or not making the first team or losing at monopoly or scrabble or any other game come back. And it stops being fun. It becomes a mental nightmare. Then I just want to stop and not do it anymore. Which of course is because of number 1 as much as lacking confidence! 

So what do 1, 2 and 3 add up to - well I think there could be a number 4. I know my limits. Which means I should continue doing what I do best - running for fun, running for me and running for selfies. The PBs will still come - my recent 10k PB proves that. I may find the magic formula to stop eating Krispy Kremes and Reeses by Brighton and be super slim, super fit and spurred on by the power of Um Bongo beat last years time. But that's not going to be my goal - and no, that doesn't mean it will secretly be my goal either - my life needs balance and running is my hobby. Or is taking selfies my hobby? I forget which....