My time

Here we are then, in two weeks I’ll be in Fuerteventura. In fact at this time I should have completed the first leg of the Half Marathon Des Sables, probably about 20 miles. (They don’t tell you exact distances until you get out there). I’ll be cooking my dinner on the little stove I’ve carried with me, a fine dehydrated mac n’ cheese and preparing to settle into my bivouac in my ultra light sleeping bag. Ready to get up and face the longest stage - roughly 40 miles over the volcanos and sand. 

I won’t go back and remind everyone what’s led me to this point. Or will I? You may not know I entered the race a year ago now. It was going to be the end highlight of a year of great achievements for me. My dream race The Wall, 69 miles in the summer. Another crack at the London Marathon, with the hope that maybe I could even get a PB (first time I’ve admitted that!). A few more ultras thrown in and then the Half MDS followed by my favourite Royal Parks. All raising money for Breast Cancer Now - who I’ve fundraised for now for nearly 2 years, raising nearly £5000! 

(https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise)

But most of that hasn’t happened. There have been 7 DNS (Did not Start) and 1 DNF (Did not Finish) so far this year. I ran in London. I certainly didn’t get a Personal Best. The Wall was one of the DNS. But I have 3 races left this year - Half MDS, Royal Parks Half and the Pilgrims Challenge in November a 3 day ultra back to back 30 milers. 

Throughout all of this I’ve been off sick from work for 5 months with depression and PTSD. Returned to work. Been on anti-depressants, taken myself off anti-depressants. Put on over 2 stone in weight (cause of said anti-depressants I’m now not on!). Some days I’ve been able to run. Some days I’ve not been able to get out of bed. All the time watching my dreams for the year come and go. Part of the pain. But knowing the Half MDS was still on the horizon. Achievable if I could just get myself there. 

(Sow Ay https://sow-ay.tumblr.com/)

And here I am. Two weeks out. Ready to go. It can no longer be the way I imagined it. My weight, although going down, is still probably a lot more than the average competitor. My fitness is returning but not fast enough to make a huge difference. I am strong in my legs because they know they’ve done far more than this (Race to the Tower a case in point). But am I strong enough in my mind? Can I really do this? 

Yes I bloody can! I’m on a long road to recovery but the Half MDS has become part of that. It is achievable. It’s achievable for anyone. Not just me. I confess I have moments of crisis, mainly as I really wanted to do well. But define well. Is well completing it in a time that is respectable? Or is well just completing it? Knowing that only 2 months ago you couldn’t imagine getting through the day and now you’re going to run 120km with everything you need in a 6kg bag on your back? Everyone says it’s enough to just complete it. I know in my heart of hearts I don’t believe that. But right now, right here - that’s all I have. I know myself. I know I will always feel that disappointment that this year fell away from me. But only in my running. In my life this year should be the year that makes me. The year I finally confront the demons inside my soul and say “enough”. Perhaps the year I am able to complete the Half MDS and realise this was enough. That looking at others race times, achievements and feeling I’m not good enough is just that nasty parrot on my shoulder. It’s not the truth. It’s not my truth. Nor is it your truth. We are good enough. 

Which led me out to the beautiful Kentish Greensand Way on Sunday for a 21 mile kit test. Technically it was a run but my pace is probably the average persons walk, I was basing it on trying to get each 5k under the hour. Which I achieved. I stopped and took photos. I stopped for chats. I texted Jules playing i-spy as we both went out on our runs with photos....I went 21 miles in pretty much the time it took me to run the London marathon this year 6 hrs 30 minutes. And that’s good enough. It has to be. It will be. It can be. 

Which means off I go. I now declare I am officially tapering. I’ll do some parkruns and a few more kit checks but with less than 13 days to go I declare myself ready. This is my time to achieve something. Not the something I planned. But something for me. Something I can hold on to and say - you know in a year of proper shit I did that. I crawled out of the darkness and went up a volcano! Deep down I may not believe it’s a great achievement, but one day I will and I know you’ll all tell me it is anyway so I’ll believe you. I promise. With that I want to thank my amazing cheer squad, those I know in person and those that virtually slap me most days through Twitter. You know who you are. You know that i probably wouldn’t even be here without you. And you know that I’ll think of you when I’m re-hydrating my chicken tikka masala and then the next day trying to find somewhere for a shit as I run!! 

Things will never be the same again...

This blog post isn’t really about running, well i guess it sort of is. But I haven’t done any running really since London. Other than getting half way around Bewl Marathon and deciding that I’d had enough, which in turn led me to realise that I wouldn’t be doing the run the wall this year. So since mid May I’ve stopped running. I tried to do parkrun a couple of weeks ago, but my own physical self, mental self and an off-hand comment by one of the volunteers meant I stopped my Garmin and slunk myself back to the car to head home. 

But actually since then things have started to take a turn for the better. I used to say (to anyone who would listen) that I was proud of the fact that I knew myself inside and out. No secrets in my life due to years and years of counselling, therapy and self-introspection. Except turns out I was wrong. Despite having had depression on and off all my life, thinking that I understood what it meant for me and priding myself on still working and not really letting it get in the way of my life. The last two years that hasn’t been the case. I began to struggle at work. I began to struggle to see people. And finally in February of this year I totally stopped being able to function. My GP told me I wasn’t safe to work and turns out I wasn’t really safe for much, not even keeping my self safe. I’ve not been back to work since. But I’ve used this time wisely. Finding myself a therapist I trust completely and who gets me (don’t underestimate this!) - being failed by NHS Mental Health services, drugged up to the eye-balls and in the end paying for the diagnosis and treatment I need myself and being helped by work. I’m one of the lucky ones. Several people aren’t so lucky. If I wasn’t one of the lucky ones I think I wouldn’t be writing this blog. I think I would be dead. As believe me I came close even with all of this. 

What I’ve learned is that actually I had hidden demons that have been so influencing my life that I had no idea. Trauma comes in many forms and it’s impact and effects can be hard to recognise, but piecing the puzzle together is all part of recovery. Simple steps turn out to have great power. It’s a slow process, but only once I’ve been through this will I be able to then start working on the depression. As the latter relies on a degree of self-compassion I’m incapable of believing or accepting currently. 

I will never be the same person again. Which is a good thing. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin. Eating disorder and all. I need to start being able to see that emotions and feelings are not dirty words (which is why the safety of talking about it in a blog post is all part of my recovery). I need to accept that everything is not, actually, my fault. And I’ve started to understand that for me, running is actually a part of the problem. This for some will be heresy, but actually I want to name it. Say it loud and clear. Many many people post about the positive benefits of running, for them that’s amazing and wonderful. That running helps them keep their mental health balanced and well. I thought the same. Until I realised it didn’t. 

Running started for me as a hobby, something fun, that I looked forward to and did with friends, helping me to feel really good. It continued this way until a couple of years ago. When suddenly as my other coping mechanisms began to fail. So too did running. In fact it made things worse. The pressure I felt. The fear of failure. The mental exhaustion from taking part in ultras, that didn’t make me feel better. They just made me feel worse and like a failure. Even the social side became unbearable as I pretended that all was okay and kept going out with others, all the while eating myself up inside and then comfort eating for real afterwards. Medication helped contribute to an ever growing weight as did this comfort eating and an inability to say no to food. The spiral downwards was quicker and faster than I imagined and running felt at the heart of lots of it. 

We hear all the time “It’s okay not to be okay” or “the power of positive thinking”, “No excuses”, kick out the negativity in your life...I hate all these expressions. For some of us, none of these things are true. For me this isn’t about mental health. We ALL have mental health. It’s inescapable, what most of us do is manage to keep this well. We may have dips or drops but actually 4 out of 5 are okay with their mental health. The rest of us, well we aren’t. And actually that makes us ill. Mental illness is NOT a dirty word. We all get ill. Colds. Upset stomachs. Flu. Broken legs. These things are not okay. We take tablets or see a Dr to help us and they take time to heal. Mental illness is no different. I don’t want it to be okay not be okay. I want it to be okay to say “help me!” I want it to be okay to say “I’m struggling” and actually i want this hideous, dark swirling mess of pain to go away. Even for a few hours. I want to feel okay! 

And no power of positive thinking will help that. At least not for me. Treatment. Exploring why some of these feelings are here, that will help me. Drugs - not so much. And believe me I’ve got plenty of excuses and even more reasons why I’m not well. At times hearing the world say they only want positive people in their lives helps drive you to believe there is no place for you in this world. So you’re better off out of it. 

It felt so hard to say that running was a part of the problem. Until London. How I got round that marathon I will never know. Driven by something I guess that I can’t explain and don’t understand. But it was hell at times. When you’ve been feeling like you just want to die, 26.2 miles isn’t the best thing to try. After I told close friends and my counsellor that I wasn’t doing the wall anymore every single one of them said “thank god”. No one wanted to be the person who stopped me doing it. But as my counsellor said “you’d have run out all your mental reserves and then what...”  the pressure came off and I the fact I didn’t feel like going for a run didn’t matter. Don’t get me wrong, I still think I’ll run. I’ve still got a few races this year and I believe I want to do them. Running is actually good for me. But stepping away has made such a difference. I’m strava free. No desire to check on everyone else’s runs and although my Garmin does still auto-upload to my account I have no notifications so only look if I want to look. I’m starting to believe that those achievements like Race to the Tower were achievements. And I’m convinced that Jeffing will help me keep the ability to run races and parkruns even if I can’t win my battle with my weight. 

Whether I ever go back to running in a group or with friends, that I’m not sure. Other than perhaps a parkrun now and then and the races I’ve managed hardly any of my runs this year have been group runs. Those that were all happened in the ‘let’s pretend’ phase of the year. Hard to believe that I don’t take selfies either. And I don’t know if I will. I have changed. I can’t go back to who I was before. And I don’t want to. Battle scars make us, apparently. They don’t define us and our lives can change like the weather. “Always in motion is the future”, which means I can’t say anything for sure. But it’s no bad thing that things will never be the same again....

Thanks as always to the AMAZING @sow_ay for his illustrations - see more at https://sow-ay.tumblr.com/

Over the Line

After a year of DNS I finally started a race and finished it - thankfully it was the race that mattered London. I’d love to say great things about the build up and the race. It was London and whatever others say I believe it is one of the greatest races in the calendar and the world (more on that later) - this made it a special day even if not the best day. 

Thanks to Jeff Galloway I was able to start and finish and I learned some valuable lessons linked to Jeffing - 

1.  Start your run/walk cycle from the moment you step across the start line. It may feel weird walking so soon in a race but it matters and makes all the difference to later on. 

2. It’s easy to run too fast in the running parts. At points I was at my regular marathon pace. I realised too late this was too fast for me even with walk breaks. 

3. There are lots of us Jeffing - it was great to be at the back of the pack with a group of mostly women all doing a run/walk. Shame we didin’t all start at the same time so we were in synch! 

4. Stopping to talk to friends watching really messes with the cycle! 

5. Don’t shift to a shorter or longer run until at least 20 miles. In a marathon this is when the race really starts and it’s no difference Jeffing. 

6. Even with limited training by Jeffing you can start, finish and make the most of race day. I’m never going back to just running! 

The miles ticked by and i was enjoying Jeffing a lot - using the walk breaks to soak in the atmosphere, chat to people around me (including running in to Sarah who I went to primary school with!) and thinking how great it was to be in London once again. Yes, the London marathon is a busy race - there are over 40000 runners and that can make navigating tricky. I made sure no one was behind me when I moved into a walk break and that I was always to the side. For me it’s the crowds of runners and spectators that make this race, plus I love the route - through parts of where I used to live, around Tower Hill and a spectacular finish. 

But at mile 19 i began to wonder if I’d made a terrible mistake trying to complete a marathon. Not because I felt out of shape physically (which I am) but mentally i was tired, sad and faced with the reality of my depression. I’ve never felt so vulnerable on a run before. I’m not great at sharing my emotions, opening up to others but I knew at mile 19 if I saw someone I knew it was all going to fall apart. I just kept run/walking knowing I was ticking off the miles and that i could survive, like I keep surviving. I just wondered who would be the poor soul who encountered me first. It was James. At Tower Hill with all the Harriers - a welcome hug, a few tears and then some more hugs without tears and it was on to finish. Thank you to James and to all those that helped me get through the full 26.2. 

Crossing the finish i was proud of what I’d achieved. It didn’t feel like other races and London 2019 won’t be my favourite race to remember. But I’ve raised over £3000 for Breast Cancer Now (My Fundraising Page) when it was hard to imagine I would ever start and finish a race again. And I knew it was a step towards my goal of The Wall. 

Running gives me many things, it provides space from the world, endorphins to help me feel better, escape and friendship. I’m still running alone but I know there are people out there who are there when I need them. It’s hard. Running London was one of the hardest races I’ve ever completed. I haven’t shared many photos, well any photos as looking at them I see someone out of shape, struggling with the weight of things they can’t comprehend - but maybe one day I’ll see what others tell me they see! 

Here Comes Jeff....

London is now 24 days away. The Wall is 71 days away. Training plans have been and gone. Planned times. Expectations all out of the window. But I’m still here, thinking about running in the future. Planning on getting through. Which is what matters. The only thing that matters, is getting through each day. 

Which is where Jeff has come into his own. Run Mummy Run is full of Jeffers. The selfies have a few too. I understood the concept, a run/walk strategy. But hadn’t really thought that much about it. Visiting the website I found some nuggets and decided to download the Kindle version of Jeff Galloway’s marathon book. It’s changed everything. 

I’ve read it twice already and I was particularly buoyed by him saying if you pick the book up 3 weeks before a marathon having only run up to 18 miles you’ll be fine. Mainly cause it’s 4 weeks and I’ve not even run 18 miles yet. But today I ran 15. 1 minute run, 1 minute walk. Fuelling as I went on a trail bar, a bag of nuts and one shot blok. It turned out to be the best run I’ve had in ages. Who cares about the time? Why do we all care about time. “I’m slow. I’m fast. Urgh that was awful.” If that’s your bag then fine. But I don’t need to hear about it, as what am I meant to say? Your fast is my slow. My slow is your fast. None of us (well other than maybe Charlotte) are going to win anything. 

I’m getting older by the second. I’m overweight, unhappy and desperate to keep myself running as it’s the only time I feel free from all that weighs me down. And Jeff gets that. Running is about fun. About finishing. But actually if you want to go for a time, well you can do that too. But just don’t forget the core of why we run. So watching Sheila complete Barcelona marathon in a PB and knowing she had Jeffed it swung me to find out more. 

Don’t tell me I’m not really running, or that I shouldn’t be out there if I’m taking 7 hours. As actually 7 hours for 26.2 miles is perfect pace for my 69 miles. Never mind the 120km I’ve got in September. And I just want to feel alive. Free. So that when I stop running I can feel alive. Free. Maybe enough so I can get up in the morning. Go to work. Feel like everything will be okay. And if Jeff helps with that, woohoo. 

We all need a bit of Jeff in our lives, to remember why we do things and what’s important. When I created the Selfies Facebook Group I deliberately used the photo with the phrase “we race together not to beat each other, but to be together” - our shirts say ‘running at the speed of chat’ because we run together and that’s what matters. 

At the moment I run alone. There is no chat. I can’t face being with people, watching them run into the distance. Wait for me. Run off again. Or for me to have to fill the silence when I’m terrified of how I can do that. In normal circumstances I wouldn’t mind any of that. But my circumstances are not normal. So i run alone, to keep myself safe and away from things that may become too much. 

But I’ll finish London, in 6 hours, 7 hours, even if they take all the stands away and I don’t get a medal. I will cross the line in the Mall and finish. And then I’ll dust myself off and get ready for the Wall. Because I’ve spent my life building walls around me, to keep myself safe from judgement and pain. So now I want to run along one and be proud of what I’ve achieved. But most of all have up to 26 hours of silencing the demons in my head. 

Running for Breast Cancer Now

Could this be the end...?

I started the year with optimism and hope, now it’s nearly spring and I can’t say there’s a spring in my step....

2019 is so far the year of the DNS - all the races I’ve entered so far I’ve deferred or not been able to run. No Pilgrims, no Lenham Marathon, not even an Ashford 10k and now no Dartford Half. I’m still entered in to Folkestone 10 and obviously the biggies. But I’m not entering any more races and next year I’m not entering any at all. 

Fact is I’m not running. Barely a step. My year to date is 54 miles. That should almost be my weekly by now. But I’m holding on that i can still do this. All the races I’m in allow for walkers and with a run/walk pace I think I can get round within the cut offs. Plus I hope that I’ll find it in me somewhere to start again, get fit. Stop eating and piling on the pounds. 

But it’s hard. Life is really really hard. I’m at the lowest ebb I’ve been for many many years. But not ever, so there is some light. And I’m stuck in the broken mental health system of this country. Bounced from place to place and apparently relying on tablets to fix it all, when actually they can’t. 

I’ve found some solace in joining the local Mind running group - they were doing couch to 5k, which felt a suitable place to start. Until the last session when they sent me off with some very skinny looking runners as they thought I was above the walk/run. Of course this wasn’t what I needed or wanted and I had to swallow the anxiety at running with folk who clearly can run faster than my 38 min 5k! But I made it through alive and perhaps learnt something along the way too. 

I’ve got London in 8 weeks. I trained for Loch Ness in 4 but was a stone lighter. A good deal brighter and wasn’t feeling the intense pressure that London, with the funds I’ve raised and long gone dream of doing a London sub-5 (my best there is 5:04:03 so at least aesthetically pleasing). I know I can make the start line. I know I can make the finish line. At least I think I do...see there it is. Who knows?

At the moment all I’m doing is locking myself away, hiding from the world, social media. Anything I put out there is probably a false front to make it all seem okay. But i wonder if as I fall out of love with life, I’ve truly fallen out of love with running. It used to be my solace, my place of enjoyment. Being outside, with friends, laughing, taking selfies, sharing selfies, stories, medals, races, meeting people. Keeping me in those 36 jeans....none of it seems to matter any more or push me out the door. Yes, I know, it’s just the dreaded “D” word making me feel like this. It will all be okay, I’ll find my “that hideous expression I refuse to use” again...perhaps. I’d say I hope so, but I’m not sure I do. Running has become part of my problem, not a solution to it. 

So, I’ll do my races. The ones I’ve dreamt of. I’ll give them all I can. Which may not be all I’ve got. And then I may just stop. At least for a year. Perhaps take up walking. No more medals. No more races. No more selfies. But first I just want to keep taking one day at a time. And to let all of you know, we aren’t all perfect. We don’t have perfect lives. We have flaws and cracks and fears. I’m sorry this isn’t a motivational, whoop whoop blog post. But it is me and at the moment, that’s all I’ve got. 

Thank you to Sow Ay for the amazing illustrations - as always, see more at http://sow-ay.tumblr.com/ 

Cracked....not broken

Wow, only 3 blog posts last year and clearly my race to the tower not only impacted my running but my ability to share my inane words with you as nothing since June?!

As any of you will know from social media, I’m still alive and I didn’t stop running totally after RTTT.  I had Salisbury Marathon in August (which nearly did kill me) and then Loch Ness in September.  I gave myself 4 weeks after the disaster of Salisbury to get fit for Loch Ness. It totally worked, don’t believe anyone who says you can’t marathon train in 4 weeks! Went from a 7hr 17 marathon to 5 hr 41....and then followed that up with a glorious Royal Parks Half in 2hr 40. 

Since then, meh - the odd parkrun, the occasional selfie run - nothing further than 10 miles and a DNS for the end of year 10 miler race. Also a change in plans - with so little running the thought of doing the Pilgrims Challenge at the start of Feb was too much pressure. Back to back 32 miles is not the kind of 4 week training plan I think would work. Instead I’m now in the Druids Challenge for November. 

All my races this year are to raise money for Breast Cancer Now, back in July last year I applied to them for a London Marathon Place as I knew - even if I got in the ballot I wanted to raise funds for them. My eldest sister has completed her fight against breast cancer and won, it’s been a really hard fought few years for her and the family. If I can do something, anything to make that easier for others then why not.  People have been so generous in their donations and I can’t thank you all enough. 

 

Jo’s Fundraising

What does 2019 hold then....I’m not normally one for posting about races but why not hey?

Lenham Cross Marathon is in Feb, apparently more than a marathon and along some of our favourite North Downs routes, lots of steps and great practice for what’s to come! 

My usual Ashford 10k in Feb too, just because and a new one for me Dartford Half with my friend Akua. 

Then come the biggies, after a few smallies - Kent Spring Half, because it’s a wonderful race (you can win a place in my raffle still!). Folkestone 10 is looking likely, again an old favourite which I missed last year due to drunken behaviour with Nat and Emma.

The London Marathon - obviously as I’m running for BCN! But it’s still very much a training run for me as is Bewl Ultra in May - 3 times around Bewl Water, which I hope i beat the cut off for. 

This should all set me up very nicely for my dream race, finally I’m running The Wall. 69 miles with 27 hours to do it. Whilst Keeley drives around in the car with an inflatable mattress....Carlisle to Newcastle along the rough route of Hadrian’s Wall. As a child I always said I’d walk the Great Wall of China and practice by doing Hadrian’s Wall, so this is a first step on that goal. 

But you see, that didn’t feel enough for me this year. So I was a little rash and signed up for Salisbury 54321 Ultra. After all I’ve now done all their other distances. But again this is still a training/recovery run. As in September I’ll be flying off to Fuerteventura with my sister (she deserves to celebrate too) to take part in the Half MDS. 120km over 4 days. Carrying all the kit you need. I’m sure it will be fine....

Oh but wait, no I’m not resting there. Royal Parks Half (again as part of Team Now) and then for me and the wife, well we’re going to walk Beachy Head Marathon. Her first go at that distance. My 3rd Beachy. Then of course I’ve got my newly rescheduled Druids Challenge 84 miles over 3 days. Then I think a lie down as it will be nearly Christmas again!!

 

I always knew this year would be my big year of running, I’m starting it overweight (heavier than I’ve been in 6 years and I’ve never been this heavy and running). I’m still a little on the fragile side mentally. But with so much to keep me busy this year and all this support around me I know I’m not broken. Just cracked a little and ready to take on these challenges, raise as much money as I can for Breast Cancer Now. And hopefully keep you all up to date with my adventures....that’s if you want me to! 

Jo’s Fundraising 

Holding out for a Hero

It's over. Two marathons in two weeks. Fundraising. Training. Job done. End of blog. 
But it's never that simple is it - my blog isn't about race reviews, or trying to entice you into running. Instead I'm trying to give you an insight into how someone who was 18 stone, inactive and had no thoughts of running has reached 7 Marathons. But also what that means emotionally, how it fits into the context of life. And I like to make you laugh (now and then).
It seems fitting I've started writing this whilst Mind Over Marathon is on BBC1 - the inspirational stories of 10 people with mental health issues training for the London Marathon. I live my life knowing what you see in someone isn't always what's going on underneath. You can't tell where someone has been and what's got them there. My personal experience is just that - personal and there's a reason I make sure I smile around every race I do. One day that may too make it into a blog.
Running has changed my life, it gives me a renewed purpose. Freedom. Space to breath. Oh and to eat cake. I love connecting with people through running. Everyone with different goals but respecting those goals and knowing they're all as valid. It also helps you deal with the unexpected. Things never quite go to plan. Paris was super hot, beautiful - well organised, full of fun and one to enjoy. I felt strong and enjoyed every moment from the early stages running with Liz to the later parts dodging walkers and taking selfies.

London though I had a goal. I wanted to help Danny achieve his PB. We would all run together and celebrate in the moment at the end. There was never a moment in my life I imagined standing at the start of the London marathon with a large group of friends. Taking selfies. Laughing. Feeling like it's a regular Sunday run. The sun was shining and it was already feeling like a special day. Somehow in running I've discovered I'm really good at pacing. So that was my role. Keep us at a steady pace. Not going off too fast and finish strong. Oh and have a bloody good laugh whilst we did it.


Well plans sometimes change. And perfect pacing is great until injury strikes and you need to re-evaluate. It would turn into one of those days. The why's and wherefores don't matter. But needless to say Danny is an ultimate hero as nothing would stop him reaching that finish and I just wanted to do it with him. My mind was cast back to Beachy when I struggled so much and Jules stuck with me. Today that's what I wanted to do for Danny! So we ran from physio to physio. Friends to friends supporting. Laughing. Cheering. Waving. A slightly unfortunate run-in with a portaloo in one tunnel (a few drinks may get you that story!) The occasional swear word and at the end a few tears. It was my favourite run ever. It was everything that running is for me. And it was everything that running has given me.

Everyone who runs a marathon is a hero. They aren't easy. Although I've run 7 I'm still amazed it's something I do, something I can do, something I enjoy to do. You have to dig into places that come from years of discovering what your resolve is built on. I've been lucky to date - I've got through fairly unscathed but I've learned to admire and respect those who have to dig just that little bit more as things don't go to plan. So congratulations to everyone that crossed the finish on Sunday - be it London or somewhere else. Let's see what we can do next!


Thank you to everyone that sponsored me for these two runs. I was running for New Family Social - a small charity for whom I'm their only runner. But many LGBT families who foster or adopt will all benefit from your generosity.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

This time it's personal!

Just over three weeks until Paris marathon - under French law you need a medical certificate to run in races. So off I toddled to my GP having paid my £20 I needed a brief exam and his signature and stamp. I was far from worried as this would be my 6th marathon and look I'm not 18 stone any more but the fittest I've ever been in my life! My doctor agreed as my blood pressure was normal, my resting heart rate was low (he said a sign I'm fit). One last check of my lungs and listening to my heart - ended with him saying "oh you have a slight murmur?", "yes that's right, since I was a baby, it's on my records". 

I was born with a heart condition, I remember being tested and treated. Trips to doctors and hospitals, tiredness, being able to sit out of games at school. Ultrasounds when I was a teenager and endless ECGs, blood tests and generally being told it was as regular a murmur you can get and there was little to worry about. Well until 30 years later and I needed a medical certificate signing! As it was my GP signed my certificate but insisted I have some tests just to check nothing had changed. Personally I felt a little that this wasn't necessary but anything to ensure I could not only run Paris but not have to worry about running at all! 

It's funny to be confronted with the real possibility someone may tell you that you shouldn't be running. Of course no one can tell you that you can't run - it could only ever be advisory - but still it would be strong advice and hard to ignore. That said I was pretty clear I would ignore it. Absolutely. What would I do with out running? Get fat again? Take up something else - god I hate swimming! It just doesn't bear thinking about. Besides I've got 21 miles to run before I even think about these tests! 

What a great run it was - a typical Sunday Selfie Runner speed of chat, goat stops, tea stops and cake. I don't mind how long it take me I just enjoy the journey. So over 5 hours of leisurely stop start running. Oh and 36 photos uploaded to Strava - whoops i got over excited !

The good news is I've had my ECG and nope it wasn't normal. But it was normal for me and showed no sign of any major problems so my GP is happy with it. One more scan just to check me out but all seems fine. No one is going to stop me gradually getting slower and slower! Well okay not quite - but no one is going to stop me running. Even better I'm in good condition - as I said as fit as I've ever been. From being a "sickly" child I'm a fit, marathon running adult. I may not ever get any faster. Maybe I'll remember to be careful (it's why I always run with a chest based HRM) and also fill my race bib out on the back! 

It's been an unexpected chance to reflect on where I've come from, where I'm going and how amazing it is I run marathons for fun! Paris and London in two weeks is a challenge I'm excited about - but one I know I can make (after all not my first double marathon challenge) and one I know I'll enjoy. What's not to love about London? Even better I'm running for a charity I care about and am their only runner! Yes that brings pressure as I want to raise as much money as I can but also I know they're happy with whatever I make them and the publicity. 

So just three weeks and I'll have completed marathon number six. It is likely to be my one and only French race as who knows what a future Doctor will decide over my murmur. Which means I'll make the most of it. Soak in every moment. Perhaps take a few selfies? It's the only way I know how to run nowadays but perhaps more than ever this marathon now represents what running has become for me. How much it's changed my life. How much it brings to my life. This time it's very much personal!

Thank you :
A huge thank you to everyone who bought tickets in my raffle and most of all to those who donated prizes. They were all very personal to me - things I love on my runs like Buttercups Goat Sanctuary, Little Fant Farm and things I love running with like Flipbelts, egloves, Energy Snacks and Scimitar shirts. The running community which has meant so much to me Run Mummy Run and UKRunChat and all those wonderful things to do post run - foam roller, drink wine, eat Freddos or Krispy Kremes! And of course peanut butter..... 

Your Pace or Mine?

Get a grip Jo! Seriously what are you doing - it's just a run round the block. Stop having a breakdown. I mean what could it be - shoes, end of day tiredness, fact haven't eaten since lunch, the giant hill you just tried to run up? Or are you genuinely now no longer able to run? 

I mean come on you've got two marathons in 10 weeks time and this time last year you were bashing out times. Clearly you've let yourself go....and look that bloody running group you created is FULL of people who are doing amazing things. Running fast, far and having loads more fun than you. They're confident and happy in their running world when all you want to do is sit in the corner and rock, cry or worse. 

But you have been here before. You've written loads of blogs on the subject and know you can do this. Right? I mean just because you can't run further than 5k without walking doesn't matter. Right? After all who is judging you? Who is here right now telling you this is a disaster? Is anyone waiting to study your Strava time and see if you're trending faster? Nobody. Not one person you know. Oh wait - yes that's you! You are judging yourself. Against everyone and anyone and most especially against yourself....stop it. 

I mean this isn't why you started running is it? This isn't what got you down to SRC, becoming an avid parkrunner and seeking out all those online communities - UKrunchat, Run Mummy Run, BOSH? You wanted to get fit and have fun. You didn't even know what a race was - but you've done loads. And this year is about the longer goal - Paris, London, Dorchester, Beachy with a smile on your face. Every weekend you put a shirt on that says "running at the speed of chat" - it was a badge of pride once. Not something to feel guilty about. 

It's brilliant that we're all different and if your goals are different - if seeking PBs isn't as important as just surviving a run then that's okay. It doesn't make you worse than anyone. It shouldn't make you feel bad. Stop feeling bad! I mean Yoda has a lot to answer for. "Do or do not. There is no try." Well come on that was said to Luke as he didn't believe in himself. But you do. You know what's important. It's okay to try and keep trying. Sometimes you won't make it. But sometimes you will. After all what message do you want beginners to get - what message are we giving to all those new parkrunners or community members - get out and run. No matter what. No matter how fast. How "slow". How far or how short. Enjoy it and if you want to shoot further then do it. But it doesn't have to be everything. All of the time. Only if you want it to be. And never, ever ever feel bad if that's not for you! 

Okay. It's all downhill from here so you can get home. You can do this. You can't post a pithy Strava title that hides the pain that you've been through on this run. You can take a selfie. Smile and think that 10k you've got in a week will be okay. If you walk. So what? Smile. Laugh. Get round. Then get round the next. And the next. And the next. Apparently this will still get you to the finish in Paris and London. Cause in the end you're a happy little jogger - not a professional runner so the smile at the beginning, middle and end is all that really matters! 

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

You can't run forever

Less than four weeks to go until Brighton and training hasn't been going brilliantly. I've missed a couple of long runs and I just hope they don't turn out to be crucial. Think I've kept the intensity high enough that I should be okay. And that missing fear factor makes such a difference. I'll line up for Brighton knowing I'll have a great time even if I don't need to run a great time!

Although I haven't been doing all my runs I have been getting my mental approach right by mixing with Olympians! First on international women's day some time spent with Amy Williams and Mhairi Spence who shared their stories of heroics and hard work. Then with my best running buddy Jules we went along to Dame Kelly Holmes Running Hub breakfast. If you don't know Kelly is training hard for the London Marathon and is raising money for 5 charities (http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/KellysHeros) Now I've no doubt that she will smash London but to hear this legend share stories of long runs and training that we can all relate to and to find myself discussing nutrition and long run fuel with Kelly was surreal and wonderful. Plus I got to catch up with some UKrunchat pals - it was a perfect morning! 

But I was left with a lasting legacy as Dame Kelly talked about her experience of depression and self-harm and how this affected her and makes her determined to speak out and raise money now. During the drive home I found myself opening up to Jules about my own experiences and how some of that has shaped my running and my desire to ensure I enjoy Brighton. I'm always aware you never truly know someones background unless they share it with you. I take this with me to never judge or second guess someones motives but I'm not so good at sharing my story. But as Jules and I have run side by side for many hundreds of miles now it felt totally right. Plus that drive which Dame Kelly is showing for her charities can help me drive my way around Brighton without falling apart as I did last time. It can then drive me on to Berlin to a possible PB and further to Beachy and beyond for new challenges.  Thanks to Jules for listening and whoever you are don't be afraid to open up. Someone will always listen and you don't have to run 26.2 miles with them to make it okay xx

My life has been a rollercoaster at times but I'm lucky and I'm alive. And now I'm fit and healthy and

able to run and it seems inspire others to run too. On Sunday the Selfie Sunday Runners of Maidstone hit the streets of Maidstone for the Heart of Kent Hospice Run Day - 5k, 10k or a half marathon but all together in our love of running. Our love of selfies and our love of cheering the very last person over that finish line -  especially when they battled hard for it (Megan!).  Running at the speed of chat became a joke between Jules and I but now we wear it with pride as a badge, actually a shirt, of honour.  

The next four weeks will tick by and soon Brighton will be here. I will run that sea front with the biggest smile this year - no matter what happens. Whatever challenge you've faced to get to that start line make sure you enjoy your moment. A friend said to me before Brighton last year "remember that moment in Brighton years ago - now look at you. You're amazing - marathon or no marathon" - this year that's going to drive me round. We're all amazing. We're all special. We can all beat the demons and when we can't? We can run - surrounded by friends and snapping selfies. After all - what other kind of running is there? 

So good luck Dame Kelly Holmes - you'll be amazing at London and I'll think of you when I'm at mile 26 in Brighton as you've helped me already know I'll get to that finish line with a smile! 

p.s what happened next...

So that was London, 3 weeks ago. And since then? It's not been easy. I knew it wouldn't be and I knew I'd be tired. But wow I had no idea just how tired.

So I've been resting. Recovering. I've run a little. I've stopped runs because my heart wasn't it. Hell, I ran a race - got a medal just last weekend. But I did begin to wonder - would I really get it back? I declared "no more marathons after Brighton and New York", which I meant. Sincerely. They're hard. Really hard. And it takes so much out of your life to train and run.

I haven't lost my mojo - my passion for running is as strong as ever. I just knew I needed rest. Lots of rest. Plenty of races entered for this year so lots to shoot for. But who knew 5k could feel so hard? Who knew legs could be so tired? And the mental battle you've been through - and for me twice, in two weeks.

And then this morning - with just a small group of my selfie running friends I thought I'd go back to one of my oldest running routes. The place I first did a long run, along the river - I went for run. Speed of chat pace, selfies and sunshine. We ran 10 miles and it felt great. I loved it. I loved it so much more than a 5k, or a 10k and I felt I could have run on. I felt like I was a distance runner. I feel like I've found my place in the running universe.

I don't care how fast I run. I don't care if I never run a marathon under 5 hours again. I don't care if I never run a 5k in 25 minutes. It doesn't upset or bother me if my 10k PB stays at 55 minutes until I can't run any more. What I love is the feeling of running with friends, of stopping for a selfie, of covering ground you've not covered before. Oh and I love a medal, the crowds cheering you on, the sense of accomplishment, of achievement, of knowing you had to reach places you didn't know you had. I realised today I want to run for the love of running. I've had enough things in my life that I have had to fight for and I don't want running to be another.

If I'm going to run it has to be for me and it has to be for fun.  So it will be.

The London Experience

Yes I know it was ages ago and why haven't I written about it before - well things have been busy. London was euphoric (I'll get to that in a minute) but since then, well once I could start walking again, life has kind of taken over. Turns out there is a lot to do when you aren't running, thinking about running, marking off runs on the training plan, talking about running, oh and did I mention running…..

So I'm sure you've all been dying to know "how was London"?  Nope you haven't, or actually you already know as I didn't stop talking about it on Twitter, or Facebook or at parkrun or SRC? Well then best stop the blog here. But how was it really? I mean after the euphoria has died down and I've had a chance to reflect? It was bloody amazing! 

Everything about the London marathon is amazing. Yes, I know it isn't the only marathon and there are plenty of amazing marathons. And yes for some people it won't be for them. But for me, it certainly felt like a once in a lifetime experience. We arrived in London on the Saturday and as our hotel was in St James we were able to pop down and see the finish area being set up, the tingles started then. Sunday morning getting up and walking through the empty streets of London to Charing Cross, dressed in a  borrowed CSI suit, it started to hit home what was happening. Blimey I haven't seen London at that time since my 20s and heading home from clubbing.

I reached Blackheath and there were so many people. We walked through the damp, dreary weather up to the famous start. I had my first catastrophe of the day - desperate for the toilet I entered the start area and rushed to the loo (no queues yet), but I'd missed running into DigDeepDolly. It was gutting. We texted and felt bad omens falling. "Dammit" I decided "this can't be", so against the oncoming traffic I snuck out of the entrance and looked around to find her, I needed that pre-race hug! The good news is we totally found each other and I wasn't hopping up and down doing a wee-wee dance. Our catch up did have to be paused to allow Dolly to do her important volunteer job, which meant painting ladders on the face and legs of a man running with a giant ladder….

Saying goodbye I headed back into the start. I had about an hour to kill before the off. This allowed for multiple toilet trips (the queues though long went fast, no sign of the infamous women's urinals though) and bumping in to a few other people I knew. Soon I was gathering at the very back of the blue start, pen 9 and expecting to wait a good 20 - 30 minutes after the official start time to cross the start. We never heard the 10am start, but after 10 minutes we started to move and to be honest we didn't stop - I was over the start in about 15 minutes and who was at the start screaming at me as I officially started the London Marathon - Dolly! Yep all was going very well so far.

This was it I was running the London Marathon. I'm not going to give you a blow by blow account of the race. You don't need that. I had changed my mindset for London. This one I was going to enjoy. I had a new nutrition routine. SIS gels every 45 minutes and then Cliff Shot Bloks in between. I was going to take everything offered to me (I did - jelly babies, oranges, jelly beans). On my wrist I had written motivational messages - REMEMBER LYDD (how to dig deep), Run Strong, Um Bongo! The aim was to run with head up, looking around, smiling, a steady pace of 7minute / KM at least for the first 13 miles, then see how I felt. It started just as I planned. Well for 2 miles, as then I suddenly thought "I need a wee!". This never happens to me and I'd joined the toilet queue FOUR TIMES at the start! But I decided what the hell, if you gotta go….so I stopped at toilets that didn't seem to have much of a queue. It didn't take long but I knew now that timing was not what this marathon was going to be about.

So I ran, I smiled and I ran. It was great as the early part of the marathon is through parts of London I used to live in - it was wonderful to know where I was. As we approached the heart of Greenwich I heard the first person shouting "Jo, Jo, JO!" in a way that is unmistakably someone you know (don't forget I run with my name on my shirt so lots of people shout "Jo"). It was Nick - our fabulous ultra running North Downs guide! This was to be the first of many people I saw on route. In fact I saw nearly everyone that I knew would be out watching. It was unbelievable, but oh so welcome. Just round the corner from Nick was the Cutty Sark - and yep I decided I would stop for a selfie. It was going to be this kind of day. The crowd loved it and cheered, so you know what? I turned round and took a selfie with them too! And then I started to run….

There were points along the route that I knew would be important - the Cutty Sark, Tower Bridge where all my Maidstone Harrier friends were marshaling and the fact it's Tower Bridge, 14 miles where some of my family were going to be, 19 miles where Run Mummy Run would be, entering the Embankment and seeing Big Ben in front of you and the top of the Mall - the finish line and where Keeley and our friend Serena were going to be in the grandstands.

Oh didn't I mention? Keeley was to have a blast on marathon day too as we were so lucky to get two VIP tickets which gave her a grandstand seat at the finish.

Approaching Tower Bridge was a special moment, I wasn't alone in whipping out my camera but I was alone in the zig-zag route I took across the bridge running from friend to friend for hellos and high fives, oh and a selfie stop with Denise Lewis!

Kicking on I knew it wouldn't be long until my next boost - this marathon thing was going great. Oh and pace - I was spot on. Those 7minute Ks were knocking themselves out a scary regularity. But I wasn't fooled. I knew how great I felt at 13 miles in Brighton and how it all went wrong. Keep going, run strong and take all those jelly babies offered. I was also feeling good as I'd past 3 rhinos and at mile 10 the man running dressed as testicles, so there was no shame to come from today! I was even more surprised when I caught up with Ivonne, my friend running as a Pink Lady apple - i genuinely thought the apple would beat me! But it was hotter than it seemed for us runners and I've no idea how she survived in that apple outfit! (I discovered you can't beat using the showers along the race route to cool down, even on a seemingly cool day)

As I ran along 13 miles I was frantically looking for my sister and nephew and there it was again "Jo, JO, JOOOOOO!!!" This time from across the opposite side of the road, where runners were returning! Yep they'd managed (with the help of a crowd of strangers) to get my attention - it was fabulous, banners and waves and off I ran….now to get to mile 19 and RMR.   Its hard to remember exactly but I think it was on the way to mile 19 that the blue 5 hour pacers caught me. I had been pacing perfectly and I had thought at 13/14 miles I would think about upping my pace if i felt okay. Well I was feeling great and I knew I was still on for 5 hours. When the pacers went by I decided to try and stick with them, after all 5 hours. But blimey they were going a fair pace. Looking at my watch they were at 6:45 pace. It just felt fast. Faster than I wanted to go. So, I let them go. I settled back and thought you know what, you're enjoying this run. You can keep 7m/k going for sure so don't change it. Let them go. This isn't about the time. This is about the experience. So I waved them off in my mind and fixed that smile back on my face.

Now parts of London are hard, the route isn't always glamorous but the crowds never disappear. Other than for the odd under-pass and even then they try and give you music and support. Entering Canary Wharf must feel like such a different experience for those who ran the marathon in the early days, no dank Isle of Dogs now but massive crowds and shiny buildings. But my eyes were peeled for one thing only. I was not going to miss my friends Shelley and Shona and all the RMR gang - especially as for me it was at 19 miles and beyond where it really fell apart at Brighton. These guys were going to see me through! And OH YES - they did. I won't say anything about what it felt like to spot them, see them, hug them. I think the photos just say it all. xxxx

So now, into the dreaded post 20 mile phase, but wait what is this - a quiet residential area and who is standing on the street corner, unexpectedly calling my name - my sister and nephew! Fabulous.
Another photo stop and some big hugs and yep on I ran.  I was still seeing people I knew, Gerry, Ange and the girls; Ed, Glyn and Shona - but I used all the support around me. Running past a gay pub I waved and blew kisses - pointing to the New Family Social rainbow colours on my shirt. Deeply proud I was running for such an amazing LGBT charity and making so much money for them. It made all the difference.

Soon I was heading back down towards Tower Hill and once again I saw my Harrier friends - James, Teresa and Robyn and I stopped for some selfies (well why not). At this point I was still all smiles and
Teresa turned to me and politely said "if you don't mind me saying so, you seem much better than you did at this point in Brighton"  -  oh yes, this was no Brighton and when I passed the 23 mile marker, that moment in Brighton when my wheels fell right off and Jules forged ahead. Well, goodness knows what they thought around me but with a positive fist pump and this time joy in my heart I cried out "Um Bongo!"

Its around Tower Hill that London really comes into it's own as you start to move into the Embankment the crowds grow, the views of the Thames are amazing and Big Ben looms ahead of you. It was amazing. But it was still a marathon. It was still hard, the body is still crying "STOP!" but your mind is saying, "run and smile, run and smile". I learnt at this point something I didn't realise in Brighton. Although my name was still being called it was a lot less than in Brighton at this point. Why? Well the crowd can see who is struggling, in Brighton I needed every cheer, "come on" and "Go Jo". In London it was those around me at this point that needed it more. A clever stats thing has told me that over the last 7.2km in London I passed 744 runners, only 88 passed me. This marathon was not going to break me.

And then I was turning toward Birdcage Walk and the finish was approaching. I started to count down the time till I would see Keeley. We had thought long and hard about the fact I wouldn't see her until the end. But this way I knew I was going to see her. She would be part of my finish. And I was going to finish and finish strong. As you pass under the 385 yards to go sign it is hard not to be overwhelmed. But I was fixed on the first grandstand on the left as I entered the Mall and then there they were!! Oh what a different sight would have beheld her than at Brighton, no hugs this time but smiles and cheers and waves and then on I ran…..to the finish.

35 years ago the first London Marathon men's race was won by Dick Beardsley and Inge Simonsen and as they approached the line they held hands - so for this anniversary year we had been asked to finish hand in hand - if we wanted. As the line approached, I turned to the runner next to me and asked him "do you want to finish hand in hand?" - so we did, triumphantly crossing the line together and he kindly stopped for a selfie just as we finished too! And that was it. I had run the London marathon in 5 hours 4 minutes and 3 seconds.

And do you know what? It was perfect and I'll never run the London Marathon again so thank you to everyone who made it a day I'll never forget.

(If you fancy you can watch more on You Tube of The London Experience)