Where next?

Suddenly its June? Where did that come from? This means I have Race to the King in just two weeks. Things haven't really gone to plan. Yes, I've run more this year already than last year but that wouldn’t be hard. I had hoped to get up to 30 miles but my longest run is just 20. Lots of people tell me I know I can do it. After all I’m not new to ultras or this kind of distance. But my last long distance race was in 2019. I’ve done a virtual marathon. I’ve done a couple of real and virtual halfs. I last ran 26.2 miles over 8 months ago. 

Worse still I’ve lost myself to anxiety and the wild noises in my mind that have crashed through after 3 lockdowns, a literal creation of my own bubble and the lack of desire to see anyone or do anything. The dark grey fog has settled around me and i can glimpse patches of light but I have no understanding of how to reach them. 

Picture credit: @sow_ay 

The races I’m doing this year were meant to be over - I deferred them in 2019 due to my breakdown but 2020 destroyed the opportunity to complete them when I was feeling more in control. Now I’m not the same as 2019 but will the impact of pushing myself beyond what I’m probably physically (and maybe mentally) capable of be worth it? 

I guess I’m going to find out. It’s made me question my future in terms of events. I don’t see me entering much else. I want to reach 10 Royal Parks and then perhaps I’ll just stick to my own steam. Currently I’m back on the trails alone. It’s too complicated to Jeff with others and my self induced bubble feels a safe place. The few times I venture out to run with others I’m crippled with anxiety. I probably need to break this but I don’t quite know how. Trusting in others is bottom of my list right now and my pace is that of a slightly fast walker. Although people say they don’t care about such things - many do. And that’s their right. But my running is not in the space I once held so alone is where I suspect I’ll find myself. 

That said I do wish everyone would stop justifying their times or if they run/walk. I love Jeff Galloway. He’s changed my ability to keep going even through all this. And it’s still running. It’s my running. It may not be your running but that’s okay. We are not all the same person. I’m one of the worst to try and “accept” where i now find myself but the constant comparison on social media or even worse running apps isn’t good for us. My fitness is judged by these apps on times I got in 2015 and 2017. 4 years ago! If only I had the courage to completely delete them but there’s the rub. I don’t. But I still run. My way. 

We’ll see what 2021 brings but I can’t risk fracturing my fragile state completely for the sake of a medal. I’m not afraid of a DNF anymore. I will start. I will try. But I won’t lose it all by betting on black. Just someone remind me of that at 3am on 20 June when I’m still struggling to finish...