Saturday 30 September 2017

Time to be me....

It’s time to confess I’m a fraud - the person you all think you see, the things you think I do - they aren’t the reality of me, who I am, how I live. What I think and feel inside is very different to the person you see in hundreds and thousands of selfies. I’m not a big one for sharing the real me, the truth behind the facade, it’s taken years of practice to hide the real me, only letting out snippets and for a long time this has felt the best way to be. A safe place to hide. But lately i can’t hide it any more. Lately things haven’t gone so well. Lately I’ve felt a call to finally be me.

Since I was 12 years old I’ve experienced depression, not all the time and at varying degrees of severity. Sometimes it has taken me to the very edge of life itself and I’ve worked hard in many different ways to try and come through it. Find ways to cope with it. Find ways to live my life to the best it can be. Happiness is something we’re all taught to seek out at all costs. But recently I’ve begun to understand we can’t be happy all of the time. The phrase “it’s okay not be okay” has to be embraced. It doesn’t mean trying to force yourself out of that position. It means learning to live with all the emotions life throws at you.

(Illustration Sow Ay - see more https://www.boredpanda.com/anxiety-depression-illustrations-comics-sow-ay/)
I’m starting my journey again. Learning new skills. New ways of being. It’s not easy and I’m not comfortable with it. But I’m trying. On the most recent downward spiral the first thing that fell away was running. I completed my first every ultra - Race to the Stones - 100km over two days with my running family Danny and Jules. We smashed it. Went through the pain. The agony. The mental challenges - but finished running, smiling and with a few tears. We made new friends on route and shared experiences that will stay with us forever. Without doubt the highlight of my running journey so far.

But afterwards I was tired. Physically and mentally. We put so much in, it isn’t surprising it took so much out. Stupidly I’d entered a marathon just 4 weeks later and as the day approached I knew I couldn’t do it. The pressure of that feeling, the painful realisation that actually everything wasn’t okay - combined with the pressures of life outside of running started to cause my carefully constructed world to unravel. Downgrading from the marathon to the half seemed a simple step, not as simple as going to my GP to ask for help. Not as simple as confessing to my wife and my best friend that I wasn’t coping anymore. But the two things collided and following the weekend of Salisbury Half Marathon I didn’t run a step for a month.

When I returned to running - a short 3km around Mote Park, I found my legs were rested and felt strong. My lungs didn’t feel quite the same and my mind was still playing tricks on me. Since then I’ve tried some longer runs with friends and without. I’ve managed a 5k run around Mote Park without stopping and this weekend I’m going to return to Maidstone parkrun for the first time as a runner in 2 months. When I can’t cope with life around me the first thing I do is withdraw. If I can’t withdraw then I fix that smile to my face and become the best actor in the world. Talking about other people is far easier than talking about yourself. No one ever looks past the response of ‘I’m fine’ to the question of ‘how are you?’.
Why though am I suddenly sharing the truth? Tonight I went to an event organised by the Kent Sports Trust about how sport changes lives. So many inspirational speakers, sharing their journeys. Reminding us all we have a journey and chance to inspire others. People often tell me I’m an inspiration. I did go from over 18 stone to where I am now - I run marathons, I take selfies, I like to encourage others to run and enjoy themselves. Not for times or glory but for fun and friendship. But I do it all the time knowing I’m hiding the truth about myself. I don’t feel inspirational, I don’t feel like I’m deserving of any praise. By helping others I’m actually doing my best to try and hide anyone from looking deep enough to see me.
My absolute hero is Dame Kelly Holmes. When you hear her speak so openly about her demons, her past struggle with depression, with self-harm, the journey she took. It resonates so deeply inside of me. I’m no Olympian but that feeling of isolation, of despair, of self-loathing is one I recognise and relate to. The fact she can talk so openly about it is something I’ve aspired to and felt too afraid to do. What if alarm bells ring so loudly....will the risks be worth the results? I’m about to find out!

I want to encourage others to run. To look after themselves. To find that space in life that running gives me. My mind disappears into nothingness. Only when I run do the voices in my head stop talking. The questions about work, about money, about when to tidy the house, who’s done the laundry, have we enough volunteers for parkrun, what’s happening on Facebook.....running is my solace. It took me from someone losing weight, to someone who’s lost weight. To someone who can achieve a 5k, a 10k, a half marathon, a marathon, an ultra. Someone who can find freedom in that space and who also found friendship. People I could start to open up with - as frankly if I can poo myself mid-run with you then I can tell you I cry myself to sleep at night.
At the moment I want to try and keep running, I’ve got Royal Parks Half shortly, then Beachy Head marathon - then who knows what around the corner. But I know it isn’t easy. People say the hardest step is that first step out the door. It can be. But actually they can all be hard. They can all feel impossible. Even when you finish it doesn’t have to be this great cathartic, spiritual experience. Running sometimes does suck! But that ability to keep trying. To keep going. To find friends who will go with you. Who will walk when you want to walk. Wait when you’re lagging behind. Realise you need to stop to take a selfie as otherwise you’ll die any moment. Those people who won’t ask you how fast you ran, or judge you because you can’t stick to a training plan.

But also to find those who are experienced runners. Who have that ability to crash through the self-imposed barriers. Who break their PBs, win those races, strive to be better, faster, fitter. But still - some days just turn up and run for fun, alongside you and your slightly podgy, sweaty, struggling body. That’s what makes it worthwhile. That’s what tells you - actually it could all be okay, because yes it IS okay not be okay, in running and in life.

Saturday 13 May 2017

Time to slow down....

I recently passed my 4 year runaversary. That's 4 years since I started running outside - a terrified 3k around Mote Park at 6.30am so no one would see me! Around 2 stone heavier than I am now but having lost 4 stone since I'd started dieting. What a running journey it's been. I've lost count of the half marathons I've run but I know I'm on 7 marathons and will reach 10 by the end of the year. No question I love to run! It keeps me sane. Keeps me thinner and has led me to people who are now some of my best friends and certainly my favourite people to run with!


Over the past 4 years I've also gathered some personal bests I'm quite proud of. You may not think I'm all that speedy but I've managed to hit some pretty good times. It's rare I've gone out to get a PB - but it has felt good when they've come - thing with trying to beat a time is you really have to start quick. You can't decide part way through (although once on a race Stefhan did manage this!!) as usually by then it's too late. Certainly my 5k parkrun PB I wanted. So too my half marathon - I was determined to come under 2 hours! And Brighton Marathon - well that was all about burying demons. Most of my PBs came when I was training for said marathon. Oh and nearly all are flat flat routes! So here they are - all my personal bests:

5k - 26:00 Maidstone parkrun
5 miles - 44:55 Kent Christmas Cracker
10k - 54:58 Abington
1/2 Marathon - 1:58:36 Headcorn
Marathon - 4:48:24 Brighton

Why am I sharing this now? Well it seems ages since I came close to a PB. All of those times are over a year old. Lately I just don't have it in me to bust a gut for a PB. But actually that's okay. I'm not exactly built for speed. Heck I'm not sure I'm built for running. They were fun to get but my focus and goal has changed. I've discovered that if i slow down I can keep going. For marathons my magic 7m/km keeps me comfortable with room to change if I need to. In London with Danny we ran at 8m/km due to injury and actually that was great too. At the end I felt I could have run on.

So I don't want to chase times any more. What I want is to chase distance. To see just what this body can do and have a new challenge. An ultra challenge. Why not - my favourite run of all time is still my birthday 28 miles last year. This means if I never beat those times again. It's okay. After all I haven't run under 30 minutes at parkrun since, well since I can't remember. Instead I'm going to continue to slow down, take it easy, carry on doing what I do best and see just how far it takes me....

Thursday 27 April 2017

Holding out for a Hero

It's over. Two marathons in two weeks. Fundraising. Training. Job done. End of blog. 
But it's never that simple is it - my blog isn't about race reviews, or trying to entice you into running. Instead I'm trying to give you an insight into how someone who was 18 stone, inactive and had no thoughts of running has reached 7 Marathons. But also what that means emotionally, how it fits into the context of life. And I like to make you laugh (now and then).
It seems fitting I've started writing this whilst Mind Over Marathon is on BBC1 - the inspirational stories of 10 people with mental health issues training for the London Marathon. I live my life knowing what you see in someone isn't always what's going on underneath. You can't tell where someone has been and what's got them there. My personal experience is just that - personal and there's a reason I make sure I smile around every race I do. One day that may too make it into a blog.
Running has changed my life, it gives me a renewed purpose. Freedom. Space to breath. Oh and to eat cake. I love connecting with people through running. Everyone with different goals but respecting those goals and knowing they're all as valid. It also helps you deal with the unexpected. Things never quite go to plan. Paris was super hot, beautiful - well organised, full of fun and one to enjoy. I felt strong and enjoyed every moment from the early stages running with Liz to the later parts dodging walkers and taking selfies.

London though I had a goal. I wanted to help Danny achieve his PB. We would all run together and celebrate in the moment at the end. There was never a moment in my life I imagined standing at the start of the London marathon with a large group of friends. Taking selfies. Laughing. Feeling like it's a regular Sunday run. The sun was shining and it was already feeling like a special day. Somehow in running I've discovered I'm really good at pacing. So that was my role. Keep us at a steady pace. Not going off too fast and finish strong. Oh and have a bloody good laugh whilst we did it.


Well plans sometimes change. And perfect pacing is great until injury strikes and you need to re-evaluate. It would turn into one of those days. The why's and wherefores don't matter. But needless to say Danny is an ultimate hero as nothing would stop him reaching that finish and I just wanted to do it with him. My mind was cast back to Beachy when I struggled so much and Jules stuck with me. Today that's what I wanted to do for Danny! So we ran from physio to physio. Friends to friends supporting. Laughing. Cheering. Waving. A slightly unfortunate run-in with a portaloo in one tunnel (a few drinks may get you that story!) The occasional swear word and at the end a few tears. It was my favourite run ever. It was everything that running is for me. And it was everything that running has given me.

Everyone who runs a marathon is a hero. They aren't easy. Although I've run 7 I'm still amazed it's something I do, something I can do, something I enjoy to do. You have to dig into places that come from years of discovering what your resolve is built on. I've been lucky to date - I've got through fairly unscathed but I've learned to admire and respect those who have to dig just that little bit more as things don't go to plan. So congratulations to everyone that crossed the finish on Sunday - be it London or somewhere else. Let's see what we can do next!


Thank you to everyone that sponsored me for these two runs. I was running for New Family Social - a small charity for whom I'm their only runner. But many LGBT families who foster or adopt will all benefit from your generosity.
http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise

Thursday 16 March 2017

This time it's personal!

Just over three weeks until Paris marathon - under French law you need a medical certificate to run in races. So off I toddled to my GP having paid my £20 I needed a brief exam and his signature and stamp. I was far from worried as this would be my 6th marathon and look I'm not 18 stone any more but the fittest I've ever been in my life! My doctor agreed as my blood pressure was normal, my resting heart rate was low (he said a sign I'm fit). One last check of my lungs and listening to my heart - ended with him saying "oh you have a slight murmur?", "yes that's right, since I was a baby, it's on my records". 

I was born with a heart condition, I remember being tested and treated. Trips to doctors and hospitals, tiredness, being able to sit out of games at school. Ultrasounds when I was a teenager and endless ECGs, blood tests and generally being told it was as regular a murmur you can get and there was little to worry about. Well until 30 years later and I needed a medical certificate signing! As it was my GP signed my certificate but insisted I have some tests just to check nothing had changed. Personally I felt a little that this wasn't necessary but anything to ensure I could not only run Paris but not have to worry about running at all! 

It's funny to be confronted with the real possibility someone may tell you that you shouldn't be running. Of course no one can tell you that you can't run - it could only ever be advisory - but still it would be strong advice and hard to ignore. That said I was pretty clear I would ignore it. Absolutely. What would I do with out running? Get fat again? Take up something else - god I hate swimming! It just doesn't bear thinking about. Besides I've got 21 miles to run before I even think about these tests! 

What a great run it was - a typical Sunday Selfie Runner speed of chat, goat stops, tea stops and cake. I don't mind how long it take me I just enjoy the journey. So over 5 hours of leisurely stop start running. Oh and 36 photos uploaded to Strava - whoops i got over excited !



The good news is I've had my ECG and nope it wasn't normal. But it was normal for me and showed no sign of any major problems so my GP is happy with it. One more scan just to check me out but all seems fine. No one is going to stop me gradually getting slower and slower! Well okay not quite - but no one is going to stop me running. Even better I'm in good condition - as I said as fit as I've ever been. From being a "sickly" child I'm a fit, marathon running adult. I may not ever get any faster. Maybe I'll remember to be careful (it's why I always run with a chest based HRM) and also fill my race bib out on the back! 

It's been an unexpected chance to reflect on where I've come from, where I'm going and how amazing it is I run marathons for fun! Paris and London in two weeks is a challenge I'm excited about - but one I know I can make (after all not my first double marathon challenge) and one I know I'll enjoy. What's not to love about London? Even better I'm running for a charity I care about and am their only runner! Yes that brings pressure as I want to raise as much money as I can but also I know they're happy with whatever I make them and the publicity. 

So just three weeks and I'll have completed marathon number six. It is likely to be my one and only French race as who knows what a future Doctor will decide over my murmur. Which means I'll make the most of it. Soak in every moment. Perhaps take a few selfies? It's the only way I know how to run nowadays but perhaps more than ever this marathon now represents what running has become for me. How much it's changed my life. How much it brings to my life. This time it's very much personal!




Thank you :
A huge thank you to everyone who bought tickets in my raffle and most of all to those who donated prizes. They were all very personal to me - things I love on my runs like Buttercups Goat Sanctuary, Little Fant Farm and things I love running with like Flipbelts, egloves, Energy Snacks and Scimitar shirts. The running community which has meant so much to me Run Mummy Run and UKRunChat and all those wonderful things to do post run - foam roller, drink wine, eat Freddos or Krispy Kremes! And of course peanut butter..... 




Thursday 26 January 2017

Your Pace or Mine?

Get a grip Jo! Seriously what are you doing - it's just a run round the block. Stop having a breakdown. I mean what could it be - shoes, end of day tiredness, fact haven't eaten since lunch, the giant hill you just tried to run up? Or are you genuinely now no longer able to run? 

I mean come on you've got two marathons in 10 weeks time and this time last year you were bashing out times. Clearly you've let yourself go....and look that bloody running group you created is FULL of people who are doing amazing things. Running fast, far and having loads more fun than you. They're confident and happy in their running world when all you want to do is sit in the corner and rock, cry or worse. 

But you have been here before. You've written loads of blogs on the subject and know you can do this. Right? I mean just because you can't run further than 5k without walking doesn't matter. Right? After all who is judging you? Who is here right now telling you this is a disaster? Is anyone waiting to study your Strava time and see if you're trending faster? Nobody. Not one person you know. Oh wait - yes that's you! You are judging yourself. Against everyone and anyone and most especially against yourself....stop it. 

I mean this isn't why you started running is it? This isn't what got you down to SRC, becoming an avid parkrunner and seeking out all those online communities - UKrunchat, Run Mummy Run, BOSH? You wanted to get fit and have fun. You didn't even know what a race was - but you've done loads. And this year is about the longer goal - Paris, London, Dorchester, Beachy with a smile on your face. Every weekend you put a shirt on that says "running at the speed of chat" - it was a badge of pride once. Not something to feel guilty about. 



It's brilliant that we're all different and if your goals are different - if seeking PBs isn't as important as just surviving a run then that's okay. It doesn't make you worse than anyone. It shouldn't make you feel bad. Stop feeling bad! I mean Yoda has a lot to answer for. "Do or do not. There is no try." Well come on that was said to Luke as he didn't believe in himself. But you do. You know what's important. It's okay to try and keep trying. Sometimes you won't make it. But sometimes you will. After all what message do you want beginners to get - what message are we giving to all those new parkrunners or community members - get out and run. No matter what. No matter how fast. How "slow". How far or how short. Enjoy it and if you want to shoot further then do it. But it doesn't have to be everything. All of the time. Only if you want it to be. And never, ever ever feel bad if that's not for you! 


Okay. It's all downhill from here so you can get home. You can do this. You can't post a pithy Strava title that hides the pain that you've been through on this run. You can take a selfie. Smile and think that 10k you've got in a week will be okay. If you walk. So what? Smile. Laugh. Get round. Then get round the next. And the next. And the next. Apparently this will still get you to the finish in Paris and London. Cause in the end you're a happy little jogger - not a professional runner so the smile at the beginning, middle and end is all that really matters! 

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/JoFrazerWise