Sometimes it's about more than running

Recently Susie Chan blogged about how it's okay to be okay. Coming from someone who is so very exceptional at what she does it was a relief to know everyone struggles sometimes. And actually we all have doubts. When so much of running and the running community is about time, distance, pace and most of all being the very best albeit your own personal best it was refreshing to be reminded that doesn't always matter. So many of my blogs talk about this issue. So many times I face a crisis of confidence in my running, reminiscent of the crisis I face every day in life to believe in myself. To believe the words others say to me. To be kind to myself. It's very easy to give out praise to others. To support achievements big and small. To help others realise even their smallest goals are important. It's hard to do that for myself.

There are times I think this doesn't really matter, but I've learned that 26.2 miles is pretty unforgiving. My first marathon taught me the slightest chink in your mental armour can cause a complete implosion. Entering Berlin it was clear I wasn't in the best of places, but I managed to have the best of times. Everything they say about Berlin is true - it's fast, it's flat and the atmosphere is amazing. There was a time when I was running early on with Fran that I thought I could put all my bad training behind me and go for that PB.
Perhaps you'll think I failed by making a conscious decision at that point to stick with my plan - not to overdo it. To take my time. Enjoy each moment. Take my selfies and what time I achieved didn't matter. I'll never know if I could have sustained my early pace just because I didn't try. But I didn't fail. I achieved everything I set out to do.

It was hard. Really hard. I've never sent texts whilst running before but I was communicating with Keeley and Jules. I knew if I could get 10k to go I'd be fine. But it was hard work. Marathons are - anyone who tells you they aren't look at very suspiciously. Crossing the finish at Berlin was the most emotional finish I'd had. Relief. Joy. Pride. Such a special place and a special feeling. 

But I can't just rest there. It wasn't enough to achieve in Berlin as back in January I'd entered Beachy Head marathon. One of those "must do" races everyone talks about. Running with Jules, focusing on eating sausage rolls and maximising enjoyment. I wasn't worried at all - this was going to be fun. I never thought about how hard it would be. The weeks between Berlin and Beachy weren't ideal - stress, comfort eating, fears and tears. Putting on more weight i realised I'd be running at a weight I've never run at before, certainly not marathon distance. But that's okay I can do that. My head was starting to clear and mentally I was feeling good for Beachy. Big crowd of us. Keeley coming to support. Sausage rolls. Did I mention they have sausage rolls on route?  

Beachy Head Marathon is everything everyone says it is - brutal, beautiful, great atmosphere, wonderful people, hills that go on forever. Running toward the back, taking our time we had a blast. I met some of the most amazing people I've yet met on a race. Members of the 100 marathon club including Lorraine doing her 137th marathon and she has cancer. A man running his 5th marathon in 5 days for his sons charity. So many people doing BH as their first marathon - including our new friend Jules (another!) who ran with us. Jonathan, Tracey, Ana, Boshers, marshals, Traviss and Rachel - legends amongst us and all sharing the same experience - the steps, the fog, the hills, the wall to climb over - oh and the sausage rolls, hot cross buns and soup at checkpoint 4! 

Then you reach that last 10k - it stretches out in front of you in a way I've never seen 10k before. It didn't look possible, the infamous Seven Sisters, but a simply stunning vista with crystal calm sea. We were still laughing as we started the relentless up and downs of this final stretch. I had 4 hours until the cut off and pointed out I could crawl it in that time - but the chink was there. I may have been joking but as the downhills were becoming more painful than the uphills I knew there was some truth in it. My Jules was still at my side. Some brief exchange about leaving each other but I knew she'd never go. We started and would finish this one together. Thank God as i knew i couldn't do it without her. Each step got harder and harder. I thought I would cry. I've never cried mid run before - if you can call what I was doing running. Reaching Birling Gap felt an eternity - but they had cake. And we were still taking selfies and having fun. I just wasn't sure what kind of fun it was. Finally when a marshal told us the truth - two more uphills then it would be all downhill to the finish I dug in, panic in my heart as to how long this would take me.  But finally stretching out for the downhill and running for the finish. Yes I was actually running! 

Those 6 miles are like nothing I've ever felt before. It was like a microcosm of the challenges life throws at you. Trying to hang on. Using everyone around you for support. Uphill, downhill, laughing, crying, frustration and delirious joy at meeting a coastguard with a mars bar! But I kept going. I wonder if Beachy had been two weeks ago would I have done? We'll never know. But I do know that the way I felt at the end of Beachy swept all other finishes into history. Beachy Head is such an emotional place anyway. A place where people come face to face with demons, challenges, fighting battles that sometimes they win and sadly many times they don't. That day I won my own battle - and once again was reminded that yes it was just a race, but sometimes it's about more than running! 

When everything goes wrong

Sometimes life really doesn't go to plan and right now my life is full of high stress, difficult times and just holding it together is a job in itself. In amongst all this the pounds have crept back on and comfort food is never far away. Continuing to run has been hard - priorities change. Busy schedules and feelings that something had to give mean this isn't about losing mojo it's more about fitting everything in. Potentially this would be okay but what does it mean when you've got a marathon coming up and what do you do to try and get things under control? 

Start by taking the marathon plan off the fridge, say that you're focussing on running for enjoyment? Try to keep running with friends at weekends but don't worry if you miss mid-week sessions or intensity changes? Buy new clothes that fit slightly better and tell yourself it's okay - you're still far ahead of where you've been in the past? Watch others achieve great success and try not to feel sad that it reminds you of how different things are for you? Spend 4 hours running a half marathon because it has wine at all the drinks stops? 

Which of these works? Well I've tried them all and I'm still not sure yet! Some of them have made me feel great (Bacchus for example) and others not so much (like buying new clothes). All the time I keep entering races - I've got 3 marathons already next year. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter. The speed I run at, whether I ever manage a PB again, the weight creeping back on. People ask how you are and you say fine. People see me walking on runs and helpfully call out "come on put the effort in". I smile and wave back. People ask what my plan is for Berlin and I say "oh to have fun" - all the time thinking it's just to survive! 

Running has always been a part of my mental health plan and now my mental health is suffering none of it's going to plan. Maybe that's ironic or maybe it's just Alanis Morissette's definition of ironic. But it's still not helpful. Instead I'm going to once again dig deep into my reserves. Find the strength not just to get around in Berlin but get around in life. I'm going to try and find new goals which are more about staying focused on what's important and what's not. My realistic target for Berlin is 5 - 5.30hrs and I need to try and own that without the twinge of disappointment I currently feel. 

I saw a quote the other day about "stop comparing yourself to strangers on the Internet". It made me smile but also its true. Strava is a great thing but it's also my worst enemy at times. I need to be me. Which is frankly, something I've never been good at. I'm great at being things for other people and not so good at being them for myself. Berlin or Beachy a few weeks later, or even running as Chester the Squirrels bodyguard, are not things I should fall apart over. Especially when my life is currently full of things that really are. 

Seems I'm learning running is all about perspective and right now, at this point, I need to find some! 

 

Rising to the challenge!

Whoops - seems I've let a bit of time go past since my last post. But funnily enough I'm still hanging out with Dames! Last weekend I completed my 100th parkrun and was lucky enough for Kelly Holmes to join the 400 runners at Maidstone. Taking selfies, high fiving runners and generally being the inspiration she is to everyone. It was amazing. Thank you to Kelly for helping make my 100th run even more special. The parkrun movement has given me so much. Not least a growing group of friends and the opportunity to give something back to the Maidstone community I live in. Whether it's running or volunteering I couldn't imagine Saturday mornings without parkrun - what's wonderful is to see my family and non-running friends get involved too. At Maidstone we are fortunate to have the full support of all Councils in holding our event, they've recognised the amazing breadth of community involvement in parkrun - young and old, helping people achieve goals small and large and, like for me, providing an opportunity to give back.

Of course we could run without the trappings of parkrun. We could turn up and run as a group of friends. But by running under the parkrun banner we join a global collective. A movement that says "you're welcome here" - no judgement, no pressure but look if you run with us we'll time you AND give you incentive to turn up each week. Including a free t shirt if you hit a milestone. Reaching 100 runs meant so much to me - as Adam said on Twitter one hundred times of not forgetting my barcode! 

My 100th parkrun came just 6 weeks after completing Brighton marathon. Sadly I think I've missed the inspiration to go into much detail about what happened in Brighton. Suffice to say I achieved all my goals but was nearly scuppered by a hideous cold. The weekend was once again wonderful and those demons from last year buried. I ran with a smile and a song - using the Nolans to help me get through the dead zone by the power station. (Don't even ask - but seems I know all the words to I'm in the Mood for Dancing).  Stopping for a selfie (to the bemusement of St Johns Ambulance) and knowing I was NEVER coming back there! At least not for a long long time. Seems singing really works for me as my last 10k I felt strong and began to overtake people. Picking them off and picking up pace. With a cry of Um Bongo at mile 23 I dug in for home and smashed my PB finishing in 4:48:24. Even better Megan was there to hand me my medal and I was able to enjoy the beach and a post run champagne without the same pain and fear of another marathon due in two weeks! 

My Berlin plan appeared on the fridge as soon as I could draft it. Trying to head off that post marathon slump. But it still came. For what felt like forever I ran only 5ks and they felt like miles and miles. Our first long runs even with the joy of our new found hamper stop were tough and painful. Why can you run a marathon but then feel like you're starting again from scratch? Perhaps the challenge of Berlin wasn't enough? Perhaps I needed to think about why I run and what it gives me? 

So I hatched a secret plan for my birthday. How to enjoy it even though I was going to be on my own. How to take my mind off lots of life's stresses that are constantly swirling around. After a gentle 14 mile run by myself I knew I could design a birthday route which would take in all I wanted. A route from home - up to the North Downs Way, a stop for lunch and then the Greensand Way before turning for home. Perfect. When I woke up on my birthday to find the weather forecasters were right and we had torrential rain, high winds and generally the worst running weather I'd ever seen - I was truly distraught. My plans were ruined. It was hard to do anything other than sit crying, feeling very sorry for myself. Not even wanting to open cards or presents. On my own and now with nothing to do. Possibly worst birthday ever coming up. But the forecasters weren't totally right. As at 10am the rain broke, the mist lifted and I took the decision to run. By 10.30 I was on my way and by 11am I'd reached Ed's Hill and it was time to climb up to the Downs. I had a new running pack on and I had lots of supplies, including pork pies and mini-scotch eggs for my half way lunch. Halfway wouldn't come until 14 miles. Yep my secret route was a planned 28 miles. Only Keeley and a last minute confession to Jules knew my plan and they both tracked my progress and sent messages of support throughout. 

It was wonderful! Simply beautiful trails, with mud and puddles and fallen trees. I fuelled well. Stopped for a picnic. Got lost a couple of times. But kept going. Mile after mile. Step after step. Over styles. Up stairs. Along overgrown paths. Eventually some rain fell but only as I passed the magic 26.2 miles. I had run marathon distance. So every step from now was something new and took me into ultra territory. I ended on 45.5km - over 28 miles. What a birthday - and I could still walk. Plenty of lessons too (for next time!) and the added bonus of a massive confidence boost. Yes I have a plan for Berlin but now I also know I can run and run. 

Oh and I can also run with a squirrel tale! Did I forget to mention at my 100th run I used my bushy Royal Parks tale - as yep I'm doing the Royal Parks Half in October again but this time as the bodyguard for Chester the Team Squirrel mascot. The good news is that Chester is James and my other bodyguard buddy is Ben. If you're going look out for us both or if you're in Team Squirrel maybe we'll see you at a practice run? Plenty more blogs to share on this I'm sure! 

http://m.virginmoneygiving.com/mt/uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=ChesterTheSquirrel&un_jtt_redirect

You can't run forever

Less than four weeks to go until Brighton and training hasn't been going brilliantly. I've missed a couple of long runs and I just hope they don't turn out to be crucial. Think I've kept the intensity high enough that I should be okay. And that missing fear factor makes such a difference. I'll line up for Brighton knowing I'll have a great time even if I don't need to run a great time!

Although I haven't been doing all my runs I have been getting my mental approach right by mixing with Olympians! First on international women's day some time spent with Amy Williams and Mhairi Spence who shared their stories of heroics and hard work. Then with my best running buddy Jules we went along to Dame Kelly Holmes Running Hub breakfast. If you don't know Kelly is training hard for the London Marathon and is raising money for 5 charities (http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/team/KellysHeros) Now I've no doubt that she will smash London but to hear this legend share stories of long runs and training that we can all relate to and to find myself discussing nutrition and long run fuel with Kelly was surreal and wonderful. Plus I got to catch up with some UKrunchat pals - it was a perfect morning! 

But I was left with a lasting legacy as Dame Kelly talked about her experience of depression and self-harm and how this affected her and makes her determined to speak out and raise money now. During the drive home I found myself opening up to Jules about my own experiences and how some of that has shaped my running and my desire to ensure I enjoy Brighton. I'm always aware you never truly know someones background unless they share it with you. I take this with me to never judge or second guess someones motives but I'm not so good at sharing my story. But as Jules and I have run side by side for many hundreds of miles now it felt totally right. Plus that drive which Dame Kelly is showing for her charities can help me drive my way around Brighton without falling apart as I did last time. It can then drive me on to Berlin to a possible PB and further to Beachy and beyond for new challenges.  Thanks to Jules for listening and whoever you are don't be afraid to open up. Someone will always listen and you don't have to run 26.2 miles with them to make it okay xx

My life has been a rollercoaster at times but I'm lucky and I'm alive. And now I'm fit and healthy and

able to run and it seems inspire others to run too. On Sunday the Selfie Sunday Runners of Maidstone hit the streets of Maidstone for the Heart of Kent Hospice Run Day - 5k, 10k or a half marathon but all together in our love of running. Our love of selfies and our love of cheering the very last person over that finish line -  especially when they battled hard for it (Megan!).  Running at the speed of chat became a joke between Jules and I but now we wear it with pride as a badge, actually a shirt, of honour.  

The next four weeks will tick by and soon Brighton will be here. I will run that sea front with the biggest smile this year - no matter what happens. Whatever challenge you've faced to get to that start line make sure you enjoy your moment. A friend said to me before Brighton last year "remember that moment in Brighton years ago - now look at you. You're amazing - marathon or no marathon" - this year that's going to drive me round. We're all amazing. We're all special. We can all beat the demons and when we can't? We can run - surrounded by friends and snapping selfies. After all - what other kind of running is there? 

So good luck Dame Kelly Holmes - you'll be amazing at London and I'll think of you when I'm at mile 26 in Brighton as you've helped me already know I'll get to that finish line with a smile! 

I do it my way!

Sometimes it's easy to forget I haven't really been running very long - it will be 3 years this summer. In that time I'm on to what is only my 4th formal training plan (stuck to the fridge) but what makes this one so different is I've been determined to learn from past mistakes. So far, so good it seems with Brighton marathon looming just 2 months away. I've been clear all along what my goal is for Brighton this year - get round enjoying every step. No time pressure. No going to beat last years time. No seeing how I feel on the day. This will be the last time I run Brighton marathon and I want to bury the demons I found in myself last year. I want to finish running and smiling.

Which means back to those lessons from last year:

1. Don't over train

2. Rest is important 

3. Run for fun 

The impact of these lessons has made a huge difference to my training and running since this plan started in earnest this year. Lesson one - it's all about thinking carefully how far I need to run to be marathon ready and the pace I'm running at. With back to back marathons last year I thought it important to run two 20 mile races. Plus I had no idea what running 26.2 would be like. This year I'm lucky. I know what it's like and I know I've managed it twice. So now it's about making the training count. Building up to one 20 mile long run and giving myself a decent taper so I'm fit but not tired. The Selfie Sundays are a fabulous motivator and last year training and running together is what got me to the start line at Brighton. But it's also what made me struggle to the finish. Pace is everything in marathon running and training. It doesn't matter what you read they all say the same thing - do your long runs 10% (or more) off planned race pace. If you analyse most of my LSRs last year they were all on or faster than my actual race pace on the day. Significantly so - which means none of them were slower!

Add to that lesson two and I look back and think I was tired at Brighton. Yes there were other things I should and could have done differently. But I didn't give myself a good start. So now I'm taking the time to cut back on long runs. Rest during the week. Use a recovery run as a recovery run. Maximise other training sessions such as hills. Oh and book in regular sports massages. I've pretty much given up on my foam roller (she is like a woman scorned) and don't tell anyone but I've never really been one for stretching. I've tried to stick to it and used apps recommended but ultimately. I run. I stretch a little. But I read if in the end stretching doesn't work for you don't worry, as there is equal evidence that says it does you harm or good!
 

Then there are the Seflies - the most amazing, wonderful group of runners and friends I could wish for. I've been so lucky that with them I can combine all my lessons. But this year I've had to make some changes and become more selfish. Particularly on the pace issue - I want slow steady Sunday runs. To help this we've all been able to find our niche and gravitate towards those who want the same things. Which means the Selfies have split into different time slots and groups - which is what has made the group work so well over all this time. It's not a running club. It's simply a place folk can find friends to run with - oh and ideally take a few selfies and have a few laughs along the way. 

Which is of course lesson three - running is my hobby. It keeps me fit. Makes me feel good. Gets me out of the house so the wife can watch Netflix. Even races are part of this - we line up at the start and take selfies. Sometimes we take selfies on route. But I always run with a smile and a jazz hand not far away. Enjoying it is paramount for me. Of course I get enjoyment from a great run - this year the lessons from last year have paid dividends. During a two week cut back period I ran a pleasing 56 minute 10k chatting with Jules all the way round and then last week, knowing I was feeling good, I went for my half marathon personal best. I got it - by nearly 5 minutes and finally broke 2 hours finishing in 1:58:36. 

I even seem to have got my eating under control - shedding a stone since Christmas and hopefully lining up for Brighton trim, rested and happy. Which doesn't mean I'll forget my goal and go for it. I won't. But that doesn't mean I won't have a different goal for Berlin in September. After all if I've learnt all the lessons from last year there should be a few more to stand me in good stead!