Whatever it is that brought you to read that post, I hope maybe you’ll flick back through some of the older posts or keep reading. I try and do a post once a month, as the mood takes me. They are about running, but actually always about a little bit more than that and probably the best way I have of showing the world me. I’m not very good at talking face to face and can easily hide behind words, which flow off onto the page very easily for me. Lots of you said “wow that must have been hard to write” - well it never is hard, it’s only hard to hit the share button and accept that people are going to read what I’ve written. I’ve plenty of things I never hit send on or delete seconds after writing, especially on twitter.
That said I’ve upped my Instagram game lately, using images and a few words seems a pretty safe way of sharing how I’m doing.
So, how am I doing? Well I would love to say “woohoo, thank you, I’m amazing” - writing that blog brought it all together for me and with the therapy and medication things are really coming together. But, they aren’t. Not quite. Not yet. I’ve decided to taper off my medication. Mirtazapine just isn’t for me. It’s an old style anti-depressant. Not one of the SSRIs - I was on sertraline. But when I asked the Doctor to come off those she switched me “try these”. I’ve tried them. Since Feb. And alongside what can only be described as sleeping sickness (getting up any time before 10am is nearly impossible on this medication) I’ve had constant craving...(queue singing in your head). Food is a huge weakness for me. Comfort eating. Over eating. Eating. Being prescribed a medication on which 3 out of 5 people put on weight, that increases your cravings and inhibits the brain so you don’t know if you’re full. Well, that wouldn’t have been part of my plan at all. But no one told me this. I had to find it out on my own. Which is why, on my own I’ve made the decision to taper off the medication.
If i can come of the medication and begin to lose some weight I KNOW I’ll feel better in my body. I may even start to run again. I’d like that. Listening to some audio books on holiday like My Shit Therapist by Michelle Thomas and Running for My Life by Rachel Cullen has made me remember why I liked running. How good it made me feel. But I was nearly 2 stone lighter then. I’ve run twice on holiday and gone for a couple of long walks. They’ve been hard. I feel unfit. Out of shape. Yet I’ve enjoyed them. Actual joy. Taking time to look around me, feel the earth moving, the old sensation of time alone for me. Comfort. Without food. And right now I’m in need of comfort.
Every year we come to Lesvos, Greece for two weeks. Last week of June, first week of July. It’s a rest from our crazy busy lives. Two weeks of sun, good food, good friends. As we’ve been coming here for 5 years we know lots of people and it’s like a home away from home. But this year, for me, it’s been different. I’ve not been at work since Feb. In fact I’ve barely left the house since then for longer than a weekend. Which meant coming away for two weeks created all sorts of anxiety. Plus, I’ve changed. The lid is off the bottle and it is never going back in. I’m not sure what me will pop out the other side of this journey, but I’m in transition. Which makes relating to others hard. Relaxing has never been my strong point. It’s why we come here, my wife can laze around the pool and I can go off and explore. Or run. But this year I’m still wrapped in the lethargy of depression. Staying safely in my room all morning sleeping feels the most I’m up to. Yet, I’ve surprised and surpassed myself in week one. Taking myself off - but it’s hot. Really hot. Like high 30s hot. So I’m limited in what I can actually get up to.
As it is I’ve managed to find some routine. Sleeping late. Joining my wife at the pool for a little while. But also using my Positivity Planner and Diary - keeping a log of how I’m feeling, what I’m doing. And now also taking myself off to the Kantina to sit and be myself. By myself.
That said our friends here have been wonderful. Giving me space. But also letting me know they’re here, if I need them and that it’s okay. They understand. They read my last blog and it now all makes sense. See, these little ditties have a purpose. They help me connect when the thought of doing so in person is just too much.
It’s hard though, when you’re on holiday and people think “oh, how wonderful” - yet it doesn’t feel wonderful. Yes, some of it really does but actually I can’t wait to get home. Although that in itself will take me back to work....the time has come to leave the comfort and safety of home and see if I can function again in the real world. Still with the safety of therapy. And days at home. I’m still posting happy holiday pics and hiding behind the lens that sprinkles rainbows onto life. But I’ve learned some very wise words this trip from books and others.
When talking, if you’ve got something to say - stick to these three rules - is it kind? Is it necessary? And is it true?
And hold on. Even if it hurts. Even if you think those who love you would be better off without you. Please hold on. Please stay with us. We need you.
I can’t thank Michelle Thomas enough for these words. Even if I had the embarrassment of sobbing into my sunbed as I listened to them. But I wrote them down and I’m repeating them over and over. Every day since I’ve heard them. And if you hear them too and need to hear them. Then hold on. If we all hold on together then who knows what we could achieve?
