Deflated or defeated?

That's it I've entered the wilderness. Lost in a no mans land where I know deep down the crucial part of my marathon training doesn't have to start until the new year - and the weather is cold, my motivation is low, my extra weight isn't shifting.....blah blah blah. 

Blimey why would you read this blog? I'm not sure I want to write it. It was all I could do tonight not to dive in Tesco pick up a doesn't Krispy Kremes and bring them home to eat the lot. I'm an all or nothing dieter! No wonder I was once 18 stone. My mood dictates my food. 

I feel a fraud. I've tricked you all in to believing I'm a runner. Hell apparently some of you have been inspired to take it up. STOP now before it goes too far! Before one day you wake up and don't want to run. Before even then easy runs become hard. Before you start to doubt your doubts. It was so much easier when all I had going on was my inability to open a SIS gel packet! 

Right now I could give it all up. Seriously I could. But am I just deflated or am I defeated? I suspect the fact I've just purchased two "spare" pair of my running shoes means my woeful mood is temporary and I'm not giving up running. But I'm hating each step. I'm hating that I hate it. I'm avoiding Twitter. I haven't been on UKRunChat or Run Mummy Run for ages. These should be places you get support. But they sometimes feel like only places happy runners go. 

This could still be a post race slump. I had two good runs last week a sub 28 5k and a sub 60 10k. They felt hard. And I don't feel like I do that enough. Like I'm improving. Does it really matter? I didn't used to care or compete over times. But maybe the running community sucks you in to caring too much. Perhaps that's one of its flaws. We're all at heart wanting to feel like we're winners. And when we can't. When we don't. We then just feel like failures. 

Life is busy at the moment. Lots of change. And I'm prone to times when I can be too hard on myself. But running was meant to be my release and it's starting to feel like my albatross. There will be a way out and a sunny side. I'm still working through the plan and I have a half marathon in just over a week. The addition of a new medal may help. And who knows perhaps Father Christmas will bring me a shiny new mo-jo all wrapped up in pretty paper and a ribbon?